It's Been A While

So I know that it's been awhile since I've posted, but I'm going to try to do a lot better. So things have actually been going pretty well for us. Mr. P just started active duty and is working full time out of the house for the first time in almost 9 months! The pregnancy is going good so far and work for me has been as good as it can be.
I think the biggest adjustment for us lately has been Mr. P starting active duty. He sorta had a transition period in September because although he was still in the National Guard at that point, he did 21 days of annual training during that period. Then he came home for two weeks, and then he started AD. I couldn't be more thrilled that he finally started and I know he feels the same way however I'm sure that our reasons are different.
I love the fact that he is up every morning before I am. For the past year and a half I have gotten up to get ready for work at o' dark thirty while and he was all nice and comfy in bed

*we just had our first trick-or-treaters for the night! They were so cute!! However I never thought of peanut allergies as one little girl told her brother he couldn't have any because they all had peanuts! UGH!!

Now, Mr. P is up at least a half hour before I am. I love it!! I don't mind getting up early, unless someone  else is still sleeping! Mr. P is just finally glad to be putting his degree to work!

The pregnancy has been going a lot better. I had a lot of bleeding between weeks 6-10. In fact it started at 6 weeks, I bleed for two days, then it went away for two weeks. At 8 weeks same thing. At 10 weeks same thing. 10 weeks was the first time that it was actually bright red blood, but that didn't ease my mind any. Then, the day the bleeding stopped, my morning sickness kicked in. I was sick for 3 weeks straight. I felt like shit all day, and would finally puke at night. This also happened to be the 3 weeks that Mr. P was at annual training 4 hours away. It was not fun to feel so crappy all by myself. Oh well, I survived.

Work for me has been what it can be. It has been very busy lately and I'm doing the best that I can. Well I know this was a pretty boring post, but it's been a while so forgive me!

I'm baaack!

I think it's about time I returned to my blog. I realized yesterday that it had been two months since I wrote anything and that there was so much going on. Honestly though, with now being such a busy time at work and me being so lazy/tired, I really haven't had the energy to blog. Because it takes so much energy and all.
So the biggest thing that has been going on with us is that we are now 13 weeks along. I can't believe we are actually in our 2nd trimester. It is crazy! Mr. P has been outta town the past two weeks at Annual Training. He finally comes back tomorrow which I'm pumped about.
We had our NT scan today and got super good results so I'm pretty excited about that also. Unfortunately this pregnancy has not been without incident so far. I have had at least four bouts of spotting that have freaked me out. The latest incident was earlier today. Only once has it been bright red that was about two weeks ago. My doctor said that I could just be a person who bleeds while pregnant, but that doesn't make things any easier everytime I go to the bathroom and I'm freaked out that I will see blood, red or brown.
Well enough for tonight. Morning comes early and I have to be up at 4:30 in the morning tomorrow. Seriously, I think that is what is killing me lately. I've been getting to work between 6 & 6:30 so it's no wonder I'm tired!

We're Expecting!

Mr. P and I found out today that we are expecting. I am still in complete shock. I have no idea how things are going to turn out, but today I am pregnant!

Signed up for my first 10K

In just over 12 weeks I am going to be running my first 10K. I am pretty excited about it, but a bit nervous at the same time. So nervous in fact that I signed Mr. P up to run it also. My oldest sister had asked me to run one with her in April of next year, but since she is a bit of a flake, I expect that she will find some reason to not end up running it.
This race is October 8th, and it comes almost exactly one year after my Achilles tendon surgery and I don't know why, but that means a lot to me. I guess because two days after my surgery when the nerve block had worn off and I got my first sensation of pain, I never thought I was going to be normal again. I honestly felt like I would never get to the point where I was able to run again. So, running in a 10K almost a year later, is huge to me!!
My gym has a training team that starts in August that I plan on signing up for. I hope that will keep me motivated to train harder and maybe I'll meet a few people also. Mr. P and I have been here for just over a year and the only people we have met have been through infertility sources. It's nice to know people who have the same struggles as we do, but it's kinda draining also because it always seems to come up in conversation.
So here's to happy training!

Nothing is finer than family in Carolina!

This past weekend Mr. P and I drove 6 hours each way to Charleston, SC for my family reunion. It was really nice to see and meet so many of my family members. As a kid I didn't grow up near any of my family so I always feel like I have missed out on so much. Being in SC was great I got the chance to meet up with one of my old HS friends who I hadn't seen in a while. She has been re-married since I had last seen her and she has a little boy. He is absolutely gorgeous! Mr. P fell in love with him and is now even more excited about having a child. We are technically on a break cycle right now, but we are still TTC naturally and keeping our fingers crossed.

As far as my weight loss, I'm not doing something right! I haven't lost any weight and appear to have actually gained weight. I really think I'm going to have to crack down on watching what I'm eating and upping my workouts to at least an hour. I think I've been using my Achilles Tendon recovery as an excuse for holding back, but in reality it's been doing and feeling really well. So, I will try to amp things up this week and see where I get.

"You're the Worst Wife EVER!!!"

This is what Mr. P told me today. Mr. P grew up in a house where his mother didn't work, she cooked every meal that they ate, she always cleaned up after everyone, and dinner was on the table when his dad walked into the house after work. I grew up in house where my mom and dad worked outside of the home but my mom always cooked dinner, the kids cleaned up after themselves and had chores. My mom cooked all of our main meals, but we made our own lunches and everyone helped out.

I currently live in a house where this wife works outside of the home, the husband works (from home currently) and when this wife comes home the last she wants to do is cook dinner.

I just don't get it. Mr. P works from home every day. I work from home two days a week, but on days that I don't, I get home after he gets off of work. Why can't he start dinner. Why do I need to walk into a house where he is sitting wait, laying on the couch eating chips and the first thing he says is "what's for dinner?" Why can't I walk into the house and have him in the kitchen having just started dinner and say something more on the lines of "I started dinner for you."

Last month when Mr. P went to his monthly drill for the National Guard he stayed over at one of his Soldiers house instead of staying at the Armory. When he came home he kept telling me that SGT S's wife cooked a home cooked meal for dinner for them. He then carried on about how every morning  she will  iron and laid out SGT S's uniform she packs his lunch, and she even baked some kind of coconut cookies while Mr. P was there. Basically, she is an amazing wife and does all these domestic things that wives are supposed to do.

So today, I come home from work Mr. P is in his usual after work spot on the couch. He looks up and as usual, asks me what's for dinner. So, I answer - I don't know, how about you tell me. Mr. P then proceeds to remind me - as if I had forgotten - how SGT's S wife makes dinner every night. I finally had to let Mr. P know that I was happy that SGT's S wife was able to do all of that, but all that he was really telling me, is that she is good at her job. My job, isn't in our house. I shouldn't have to come home every night and work after I work 9 hours all day. That's when Mr. P told me I was the worst wife ever!!! I laughed. Then I told him that I would become this domestic wife he had always dreamed of, I would just need to quit my job first. Then he laughed.

Happy Birthday America!

So far this has been a great 4th of July weekend for us! Friday night we went out to dinner at a steakhouse in town that I have been dying to go to. It was pretty expensive, but since I have heard nothing but raves about it, I really wanted to try it out. I had scallops and Mr. P had a steak. We then shared a side of chipotle mac and cheese. I was pretty impressed! Mr. P said that it was just like any other steak. Since today is the day that I am starting to eat only organic for my next IVF I don't think I'll be back anytime soon, but I'm glad we decided to go before I quit eating non-organic.
Saturday we left to go camping. I have never camped out without Mr. P and every time we have done it, it was just kinda a go pitch your tent in the woods type of thing. Well Saturday we decided to go to a KoA campground. I have to say that I was okay with it because there were flushing toilets and running water. Mr. P was pissed because it wasn't "rustic" enough. I was okay with that. We were a bit close to our neighbors but again, that didn't really bother me. We spent Saturday night drinking and cooking out. This is supposed to be our last weekend drinking before we do our IVF in the fall also. I think I will be okay with that, but I don't think Mr. P will hold up to his end of that deal.
Sunday we went to a state park and hiked, biked, and Mr. P fished. Then we drove down to the Natural Bridge in VA. Before Mr. P mentioned it, I had never even heard of this bridge so I don't really know what I was expecting to see, but I have to say that it was surreal! I was completely stricken by that natural wonder.
By the time we finished at the natural bridge, it had started storming. I was pretty sure that our little tent wasn't going to make it through the storm, so we quickly tore down our campsite and headed back home. Kinda works out perfect since I have a few things to do for work today. Also, I need to run to the grocery store since I purged our house of many things that weren't organic in light of my new mission so we don't have much to eat here.

Hope everyone has a great 4th of July!

Never Say Never

At the Resolve panel that we went to on Saturday while sharing their journeys several ladies said something that I think many women who struggle with IF have said before. “I said that I would never do that…” I know for me there are lots of things IF related that I said I would never do. When we first started TTC, I said that if I couldn’t get pregnant on my own, that I would never do IF treatments. Then we couldn’t get pregnant and I said I would do Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI’s) but that I would never do IVF. Then the IUI’s didn’t work, and we decided to move on to IVF. Once we started IVF, I decided that I may do IVF, but that I would never do acupuncture.

Well, what do you know; I am deeply considering doing acupuncture to help out with our next IVF cycle. I think at this point, I just need to stop saying that I will never do something because honestly I guess I will do whatever it takes to become a mother.

Resolve Fertitliy Panel

This morning Mr. P and I went to a Resolve Fertility Panel that was held at a library right near our house. Our Resolve group leader had been talking about it for a while and I thought it would be interesting to go. I have to say that I was very impressed with it. I didn't really know how much I would get out of it since we already going through IVF treatments, but it was nice.
There were about 8 ladies there who were on the panel. Each one spoke about different aspects of IF and where IF had taken them. The journey's ranged from IUI, IVF, IVF with donor eggs, IVF with donor sperm, and living child free. Some of the ladies had been successful, some had not and were living child free, some were not and had moved on to adoption, some were dealing with secondary IF, and some were still undergoing treatment. The group leader also discussed ways to cope with IF, and the stresses that IF can put on your relationship emotionally and financially. There were even handout regarding local resources like acupuncturist and counselors who deal with IF.
I think most beneficial for me was the portion on dealing with IF. Right now I think that Mr. P and I would agree that IF seems to be taking over my life. I am spending so much time focusing on what I don't have, that I am losing sight of all that I do have. Two things that were discussed today really resonated with me. The first is that it is not my fault that I suffer from IF and that these cycles have not worked. IF treatments are kind of like the lottery and if I played the lottery and lost I wouldn't be blaming myself, so I can't blame myself for the treatments not working. I am doing ALL THAT I CAN DO!!!
Second, was that I have to see myself for who I am, not just who I want to be. In other words, I might not ever become a parent, but there is still more that I can offer the world. I dont' think that I'm paraphrasing that very well, but hopefully the point is clear. The group leader challenged us to make two five year plans. One if we are successful with treatments, and one if we are not. I think that will be very hard to do.
Another good thing (for me) that came out of the panel, was that another lady attending the session had decided to stop treatment and is moving on to adoption. Since she will not be cycling again and she had leftover meds from her last cycle, she was willing to give them away. She had Menopur and Ganirelix that she didn't need anymore. I told her that we wouldn't be cycling again until September/October so if there was someone cycling before that then they could have it, but she said since no one else asked, I could have it! I was super excited. I don't really know how much Menopur or Ganirelix cost, but since she gave me 5 250 vials of Ganirelix, I am sure that I won't need to order any of that. She only had two vials of the Menopur, and I don't know if they can split up the box of 5, but I hope they can and that saves me some money as well. She also had a trigger shot that she wants to donate, but it was in her fridge and she didn't want to bring it.
I found out that she lives right around the corner from me (literally - we both could have walked to the library today. In fact she did but Mr. P and I are lazy) so we are hoping that we can meet up and get together sometime to talk about things. So, all in all it was a great morning!

Phone Consultation with Dr. T

I had a phone consultation with Dr. T yesterday. K the nurse at my RE's clinic called me on Sunday to let me know that my beta was negative. She told me that Dr. T and or V would be calling me on Monday. At about 4 pm on Monday I got sick of waiting for their call and decided that I was going to call them. I talked to V first. Basically she just told me that Dr. T had planned on calling me and she would see if he was free and could talk now.
As soon as Dr. T got on the phone, I forgot all of the questions that I had wanted to ask him. I asked him if I was doing something wrong, he said no. I asked if it was because I was fat he said no, but that losing weight wouldn't hurt me.He said there are studies regarding overweight women losing weight and ovulating, but since we are doing IVF he didn't really see it making a big difference at this point. However, losing weight could only help. I asked him if Mr. P's tobacco use was having an effect and he said no. That the sperm was such a small part of the embryo that he didn't feel that it would lead to the demise of the embryo.
What he did say was that I had bad eggs. He said that we seem to have a problem getting good eggs from me. I make a good number, but there are too  many that are not mature or are over mature, leaving us with only a few that are just right. This then only gives us a few to try to make babies out of . Dr. T also feels that the reason why we haven't been able to get pregnant on our own is because I'm not making good eggs. Dr. T would like to see me make better eggs so that we have more to choose from. For out next cycle we are going to use Ganirelix instead of Lupron but we will still use the follistim. Dr. T feels like the Lupron might be supressing me too much. I guess we will see.

I don't know if I completely agree with all of this. I wish that Mr. P and I would have talked to Dr. T together and that I wouldn't have been on my own for the conversation. I just don't believe that that we could make the embryos we made for IVF #1 if I had such bad eggs. Mr. P thinks this also. I also wonder if my body is attacking my embryos. I have heard of natural killer cells and I wonder if there is something my doctor can test for.
I think that I am going to call the clinic and schedule another appointment for Mr. P and I to go in together before we start our next cycle. That will make me feel better because we will hopefully have all of our questions answered before we start the next cycle. Honestly, I want a second opinion. I wish that we would have gotten a second opinion before we signed up with our clinics Shared Risk program. We were just so afraid that we would be denied to do Shared Risk because we had already had a failed cycle. I am just so scared that this isn't going to work. I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard after another cycle failed.

They finally called

My beta is negative. Kinda what I expected since I started my period on Friday. I guess Dr. T and or V will call tomorrow with what happens next. I hope that we are able to have a consultation so that we can discuss what our possible problems could be. I guess I am just shocked that we could have almost all of our embies from IVF # 1 make it to day 5 and of the 6 that remained after transfer 5 made it to freeze. IVF #2, we didn't even have good quality ones to transfer. I can't even believe I am going to type this, but I guess we are on to IVF #3.

Still Waiting....

J - the weekend nurse at the RE's office, called me yesterday while we were at the Mazda dealer to let me know that my results we still not in yet. She told me she would call me today to let me know if they came in or not. Ugh!

On another note, I am starting my new "workout" routine today in hopes of losing weight/lowering my BMI before we cycle again. I WILL NOT be doing anything harmful or that could lead to quick weight loss. So I will just be eating less junk food, eating more protein, fruits and veggies, and working out at least 6 days a week.

Sometimes I hate my RE's Office

So I started spotting on Thursday. I called the clinic and asked V if I could move up my beta one day and have it drawn on Thursday instead of Friday. Today is Saturday. Guess who is still waiting for their results? THIS GIRL!! I am pissed. For IVF #1 I didn't even start spotting until after I had got a negative beta and quit taking my meds. This cycle, I obviously started spotting before my beta was drawn and I appear to have started my period as well. So, I'm pretty sure that my beta is going to be negative, but that's not the point. The point is, that I should have gotten my damn results! Because, until I hear that my beta is negative, I, still have hope. That could be the dumbest thing ever, but I do. You never know. So, today I have left a message with the weekend staff and hopefully I will hear something.

Since I am pretty sure that this cycle didn't work (but still holding hopeful), we have decided that we are going to take an additional month off so that I can lose weight. Also, since I work in a finance dept and our fiscal year ends on September 30th, it wouldn't work out to have have to take off for ER/ET in September. October will be a much better time. I think this is good because it will hopefully give me the time I need to lose the weight and get healthier.

Cycle Update and Sister in Law RANT!!

Unfortunately I am losing faith in this cycle. I am trying to stay hopeful, but I started spotting yesterday. So, sadly it looks like we will be taking an additional month off before starting IVF #3 so that I can lose at least 20 lbs.
Now, on to my sister in law.
I really don't understand this girl at all. I really don't. Since Mr. P and I have been married M has been to our house two times. We have been married 5 1/2 years. How many times have we been to M's house? Probably 30. I know that the main reason is that the first two years we were married I lived 14 hours away from Mr. P, and M. Mr. P only came home on school breaks so I usually traveled up there when I could. So, if I was up there, Mr. P and I would go see M. Well the last two years Mr. P and I have lived only a few hours away from M. In that that time, we have gone to see her at least 5 times together. Mr. P has gone at least 5 more times on his own. How many times has M come to see us? One!

Well about a month ago M asked us to come up for a weekend because her hubs wanted to go out four wheeling with his buddies and she didn't want to be home alone. She was 9 months pregnant at the time and was afraid to be alone. Well, we decided not to go up to her house so that her husband could shirk his responsibility to his family. Not really because we didn't want to see her, but more because we are starting to feel as though she only wants us to come visit her when it's convenient for them, and she never wants to come down to see us.
Well I guess Mr. P told his sister that we were going to go down to see her this weekend. Which, I'm pretty sure he forgot to tell me. Well Tuesday she calls and tells us that she has another commitment so they are going to be out of town (four hours away). Yesterday we asked her to come down for 4th of July. Today she calls to tell us her other commitment fell through and we can come. We've already made other plans so we can't go. She says that she can't travel the four hours to come see us in July. Mr. P asks why she can travel the four hours to her other commitment and her response "she will get to see more people". So, it benefits her more. Then she gets mad at us because we won't see the baby till he's almost two months old. Really!!!
 She is on maternity leave right now and her husband is a teacher so he's off for the summer. Mr. P and I both work. She is off the WHOLE month of July also, why can't they come this way? I understand that is is hard to travel with kids, but it's really only a few hours and they could easily break up the trip by stopping places along the way. They aren't in a hurry they don't have to get back for work. I just wish that she would realize that we won't be this close to them for very long and when we move, we won't have the chance to see them very often. It makes me sad, and it makes me mad. I know that her thinking is that we don't have a life so we should just drop everything and come up there. We see it as we would like to see you also, but we shouldn't always be the ones who have to travel. Also, she it pisses us off that she is willing to travel four hours to see her hub's family, but not to see her brother. Whatever!

Happy Birthday (Part II)

One afternoon on the way home from work I was listening to the radio and one of the show's guest that afternoon said that every year she made a list of things she wanted to accomplish and each year at the end of the year, she is always surprised with how much she has actually gotten done. Last year when I turned 30 I felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong. I felt like 30 was one of the worst years of my life, and I am determined to make 31 better. I have decided that I am going to make a list. I am going to start my list today, and have it completed by the end of the week. I am determined to get things done this year that I have put off over and over again. I am also determined to find myself and get back to being the happier me that I used to be. So here is my list:
1. I will get pregnant this year - in reality I know there isn't much I can do about this, but I am going to believe with every bone in my body that it will happen this year, and I am not going to lose faith
2. I will get in shape- since I am taking an extra month to lose weight before we do IVF #3, this should be attainable
3. I will lose the extra pounds that I have been carrying around - this better be done since it will be the whole reason we are delaying the start of IVF #3
4. I will finally do the Trash the Dress session that I have wanted to do since 2007 -
5. Sign up for a cooking class
6. I will take a dance lesson
7. I will take pictures - I have been afraid of the camera since I gained the extra weight
8. I will get back in contact with the friends that I truely care about - I have lost contact with so many people that I actually care about since joining the military and I miss my friends
9. I will find my way back into my faith - I need to not lose focus right now. Life hasn't been easy, but I need to remain faithful.


Okay, here is the start to my list. I know that seems like this is like a new years resolution, but it's actually a bunch of things that I have just wanted to do, that I have put off and I'm not going to anymore.

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me... (part I)

So I had the bright idea of taking a HPT today, on my 31st birthday. Like an idiot. I got the idea because about two years ago there was a girl on the GP board on the bump who tested on her birthday and got her BFP and I always thought it would be an awesome day to find out. In the four plus years that we have been TTC I have never had the chance to test on my birthday so I decided to take advantage of the oppoutunity this time. Today I am 8dp5dt which is pretty accurate timeframe to be able to test and get an accurate result. Well, the test was glaring white. GLARING!!!

 I actually didn't cry as bad as I thought I would. In fact, I haven't really had a major breakdown yet today at all. I'm sure that is mostly because this morning I was at my parents house with 3 of my sisters, 2 nieces, by BIL, and of course my parents and husband. So I had to hold it together then. Since we are flying back today and I'm still in the air, I don't really want to have a meltdown on the plane either, so I'm forcing myself to be strong.
I think I'm just fucking fed up with this all. Sometimes, all I can do is ask myself "how the fuck did I get here"? How did I get from charting and anxiously TTC every month to injecting myself daily with hormones, going under anesthesia (sp) and having to do IVF? We are at such a loss of what we should do next. We don't know what to ask our doctor about what happened, we don't even understand ourselves how the exact same protocol and approach can yeild such different results.
I have to be honest and say that since we got the news of our blastocyst quality on transfer day I lost hope in this cycle. How would this cycle work with only "fair" blastocysts when last cycle didn't work with excellent ones? Then when I found out none made it to freeze, any hope I had left, basically went to the wayside.

I have been all over the net trying to figure out if this is an egg quality issue, sperm related, or if it is just bad luck. I have read that up to day three can be attributed to egg quality but after that it could be either an egg quality issue or sperm issue. This of course then led me to search for ways to try to increase my egg quality. One way that seems to help women who are larger than average is to lose at least 10% of their body weight.

Women with BMI of over 30 tend to have a slightly harder time being successful with IVF. Many clinics won't even take on patients if their BMI is 30 or above. One website I found http://www.advancedfertility.com/weight.htm
gives a great explanation of why IVF can have safety risk in larger patients. While I am not obese, I am overweight. In fact I currently have a BMI of 28. I don't know if this is what is effecting my egg quality, but I do know that if losing 20 lbs will help increase my chances of being successful with our next round of IVF, then I am going to do it. In fact, we are actually going to take an additional month off so that I can lose at least 20lbs before we start our next cycle. Again, I don't know if this will help, but it can't hurt.

We are of course going to discuss this with Dr. T and see what his thoughts on the subject are, but I can't see him being adverse to it. Another thing that we are going to mention is that Mr. P chews tobacco. We would like to know if Dr. T things that this could be having an effect on his sperm quality, and if him quitting could help. I would be shocked if he said that he sees no problem with it and tells Mr. P that he can keep doing it. I just don't know what do anymore!

No Frosties

Around 2:25 this afternoon I decided to call the clinic to see if we had any that made it to freeze. I can't remember from last cycle if they called us or we called them, but I was really curious so I called. V said she hadn't heard from the IVF center yet so she asked me to hold while she called them. Before she even got back on the phone I knew it was bad news. I was sure that if the clinic had good news they would have called the clinic.
So, it was obviously no surprise when V got back on the phone and told me that none of them made them to freeze. I was heartbroken. I just can't believe how we went from making such great blasts last cycle to making such "fair" not "poor" blasts this cycle. I asked V to tell me what the ones we transferred back really were and she said they were "fair" not "poor". I asked her if people had ever gotten pregnant with "fair" blasts and she said yes.
I then asked why things turned out so different, we did the exact same thing!!! She said sometimes its just happens. She said Dr. T would likely be changing my protocol for next cycle. She said we might be able to use our frozen blasts, but I still don't think we want to. They are the best things we have right now and we are saving them in case we end up getting our money back. Plus, they aren't really part of the Shared Risk program and if they are the ones that work I would still want my money back.  She then told me not to even worry because we still had a good chance for this cycle. I don't know if I believe it.
Honestly, the last year has been pretty rough. Really, I am so happy for my birthday to come because I think things have to start turning around after that. I can't continue to have this kind of bad luck forever. I am just really going to focus on staying positive, relaxing, and praying that the two we put back are fighting to stick around for the long haul.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise ~ PUPO

That's excactly what I am right now. We had our embryo transfer to day and while everything went smoothly, I can't help but be dissapointed in this cycle. We got more eggs this time than last time 18 versus 17, but only 7 were mature this time versus 10 last time. This time we did get all seven to fertilize, but we had 8 last time. Last cycle all of our blastocysts were 4AB's at least. We were able to transfer 2, and freeze 5. This time our best were two 4AC's and while they are all still being watched, Dr. T thinks that 3 of the remaining 5 from this cycle won't make it to freeze. I am dissapointed to say the least.

The transfer went really well. We got the same dumb tech we got last time but luckily the wand was taken from her early on in the procedure. Just like last time I didn't have a full enough bladder when I got there, and they forced me to drink more. Also just like last time I had to use the bed pan as soon as they were done. The really neat thing about this time though, was that we were able to see the blastocysts shoot out of the catheter (sp) and be released into my uterus. I don't recall seeing that last time.

I have been home all afternoon resting and laying on my back. I am actually starting to get pretty sore. I really hope this works this time because I don't know how much more of this I can take. We have decided that we are going to test on my birthday (7dp5dt). That will either be my best birthday ever, or my worst birthday ever. I guess time will only tell. My beta isn't till the 17th, but if my HPT comes back positive I'm just going to go in and get it done early. I am scared shitless, but I'm really going to try not to think about it. I just pray that these are our sticky take home babies.

Day 3 Fert Report

Dr. T called me about 8:45 this morning to let me know that all of our Lucky 7 embies are still growing and doing well. He told me that we would not be coming in for  a 3DT but instead would be doing a 5DT on Monday. He didn't tell me what our cell division was and I didn't ask. Honestly, I didn't even think about asking until I saw a post on an online forum about her cell division on day 3. Dr. T makes me feel so weird I don't think I would have asked him anyway. I feel like he always leave the conversation hanging like he is waiting for you to ask another question, but you don't always have a question to ask. I am so made at myself for feeling this way!
Well the good news for me, is that Dr. R called me back later this morning to tell me what time my transfer would be on Monday. When he called, I got my chance to ask about cell division. Only problem, Dr. R didn't have the report. All he could tell me was that there must have been two that were at least 8 cells or more or the lab wouldn't let us push out to a 5DT. I guess that will have to do till Monday.
My goal for this weekend is to stay busy so that I am not constantly thinking about the transfer on Monday. Last night Mr. P and I went to a Flying Squirles (sp) game. ~Who names their team that~
Today we went to a Strawberry Faire. It was like a street festival in Ashland. It was massive!! There were so many vendors there and so many food stands. I am 100% positive that I did not stay within my calorie range for the day.
Once we left there, we headed to the 35th Annual Greek Festival. It wasn't as nice as the Strawberry Faire, but the food was way better!! Mr. P and I just quickly walked around their festival which was a quarter of the size. Then we got to-go plates. Mr. P had his finished before we got back to the car. All in all it has been a good day, but I am dog tired from being out in the sun all day! Tomorrow we are planning on going to see Darius Rucker in a concert on the beach, but I don't know if we will make it. Mr. P will be the one driving so it will be up to him.

Lucky #7

Dr. T called today and told us that out of our 18 eggs retrieved, only 7 were mature. 7!! Thankfully, all 7 were ICSI'd and fertilized. We should get a call tomorrow letting us know how they are doing, and again on Saturday to let us know if we will be doing a three day or a 5 day transfer. I'm still feeling pretty uncomfortable. I am actually quite a bit more uncomfortable than I remember being last time. I actually feel pretty sick to boot. I really hope this is our lucky cycle because I don't know how much more of this my body can take.
On another note, Mr. P's sister had her baby today. He looks just like his older brother.

18 Eggs!!!

I had my ER this morning and everything went really well. We got up around 6:00 to get everything (me)  ready to go. My clinic asks us to douche the morning of ER so I stepped into the shower to take care of that. I was pretty uncomfortable this morning, but I actually felt better than I remember feeling for IVF #1. For IVF #1 I was so bloated that I basically waddled into the office. Not to mention every bump in the road on the way to clinc was killer. 

 

 I felt more pain this time in my ovaries, but definitely didn't feel as bloated this time. We left the house at about 6:30 and got lost on the way. Not really lost lost, but we took the wrong exit and ended up driving through a mall parking and a few plaza's before finding our way back on track and to the clinic. 

 

Once we got to the center I was quickly shuffled back to the pre-op/recovery room. Nurse Kathi went over all of my medical history and then I got dressed into my gown.She went over everthing about the procedure and even explained how they would retrieve the eggs. Until today I had no idea the needle went through the vaginal wall. I guess it makes sense, but I never really thought about it.  Our clinic has wifi so I got on facebook while I waited for the "happy meds" guy to come in. The whole pre-op process went pretty quick. I go to the clinic at about 7:00 and I was wheeled to the procedure room at about 7:50. 

 

 I don't remember much after being rolled into the procedure room. I just know that when I woke up they told me we had 18 eggs retrieved, which is almost the exact same number we got last time. I'm pretty happy with that. Once I was able to relieve myself I was released to go home, which was about an hour later. I probably could have gone sooner, but I could not stay awake after I initially work up. I was so much more tired this time than I remember being last time. Lucky for me I was the only patient they had this morning so I got all the attention from the staff. 

 

 Once I got home I was able to eat a bit so I could take my pain pill, then I slept for a couple of hours. I feel a lot better now, but I cannot stop peeing! So I am just going to rest up tonight and keep my fingers crossed for a great fert report tomorrow.

Last Follie Check and Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!! I just want to say Thank You to all the Military Service Men and Women for the dangerous job you do! I can't believe it has been a year since I got out!

Next, I had my last follie check for IVF #2 this morning. When we were driving to the appointment we passed Dr. R on the road. I guess he lives right down the street from us. He has a sweet little BMW convertible. He was driving with the top down today enjoying the gorgeous weekend we are having!

So, once we got into the ultrasound room he told me that my E2 hadn't really changed much since yesterday so that was an indication to him that I was ready to trigger. He measured my follies and said that my largest yesterday was 19 and it had grown to 23 today. He said that I had a few large ones and a few smaller ones that we may be able to get mature eggs out of. I am hoping that we get at least 10 so that I will have options for a FET if this doesn't work.

He gave us the go ahead to trigger tonight at 7:45 and my ER will be on Wednesday morning at 7:45. That is awesome because that means that I get to rest all day and it means that I don't have to go very long without eating. I am really excited to get this show on the road. I am still freaking out about the enema though.

After the appointment Mr. P and I decided to go take a walk along the Canal. I really have to start remembering to bring my camera when we go places so I can truely remember the experience. We didn't walk the entire thing, we actually only made it about half way before we turned around. It was nice today, but pretty humid and I was sweating! Downtown Richmond has some pretty neat stores and restaurants and we will definitely be back to enjoy the nightlife scene!

Before we left we decided to have lunch in a local diner called River City Diner. It was so good!! I have read reviews about the place in a few Richmond magazines, and I can honestly say they didn't do the place justice. I think I have found a new place to go for Sunday brunch's as this place was amazing! I had a crab cake, eggs, grits, and a pancake, while Mr. P had some country plate. It was soo good! I didn't eat it all, but I ordered with the intention of trying a few bites of everything and I am so glad I did! Everything was delicious!

2nd Follie Check for IVF #2

I had my second follie check for IVF #2 today. Mr. P was able to go with me today since it's a Sunday. He did however have football practice (rec league) before my appointment so he was sweaty and gross. If I had been thinking, I would have at least brought him a clean shirt to change into. Oh well!  I got to see Dr. R today because it is his weekend to be on call. I always forget how different the two of them are and I sometimes wonder how they can be in a practice together. Dr. R just has so much more personality and offers you (the patient) so much more information without you having to ask for it.

I wasn't surprised to hear that everything grew from Wednesday because I have been having serious pains on my right side where my ovary is. I didn't ask how many follies I had, but Dr. R said I had a good number. He felt that I could trigger today or tomorrow but just like last time if we wait till tomorrow we will likely get more mature eggs.   My lining is up to 12 now and I have the triple thing (whatever that is).  My e2 is 2900 which Dr. R doesn't think will cause me a problem if I stim for one more night. Next check is tomorrow morning!

I haven't really been that nervous this cycle, but for some reason as soon as we walked into the clinic today my stomach turned over. I don't know why, I guess because we are now closer to the end of this cycle it's becomming more of a reality. Or I'm still just fearing that damn enema! I hate doing that.

Earlier this week Mr. P's sister had text us that if the baby doesn't come on his own she was going to be induced on Thursday the 2nd of June. Yesterday morning Mr. P was on the phone with his mom and I overheard him say "she said he was coming and she had to go, so I'm calling to find out what's going on". Turns out his sisters dog jumped off of her bed and hurt himself. She was saying that the vet was coming so she had to go. Do you know that hearing him say that to his mom almost put me into cardiac arrest!

We found out that Mr. P's sister was pregnant with her second child in October. Considering that we started trying for a baby of our own after her first son was born in 2007, I really wanted to be pregnant before her second son arrived. Since that obviously isn't going to happen, I at least wanted to be past my ER before her son arrived. I almost died when I thought she had already had the baby and I wasn't really any step further to being a mom. I know that's stupid, but at times I really feel like everyone else is moving on and I'm standing still. ::SIGH::

Date Night!

I love when Mr. P and I get to have date nights. I think it's very important to our relationship that we continue to do go out and do things as a couple that we would do if we were just dating. Obviously we do a lot of things just the two of us, but I think it's special to just take time to go out on an actual date, and not out to run errands.
So tonight we went out for Sushi and then we went to go see the Hangover 2. The Sushi was good, but I can honestly tell you that I don't think I will go back to that place. My reasoning has nothing to do with the food, but more with their selection. I guess I have been spoiled when it comes to sushi and I expect to go into a sushi restaurant and see a vast variety of items on the menu. This place was had an extremely limited menu and it seemed to be more a type of place for a novice sushi eater. I did enjoy it, but I won't be back.
The Hangover 2 was awesome!! The theater was packed and somehow I eneded up picking out the last two seats in a row full of high school boys. I felt kinda weird watching some of the penis shots next to a 16/17 year old boy who had to have a parent get them in. All in all, date night tonight was great!
Tomorrow we have our next follie check and I guess I will find out how our IVF cycle is progressing this far. Wish me luck!

Holy CM Batman!

There are quite a few things I remember from IVF #1 that prepared me for IVF#2. I remember the enema, I remember being uncomfortable the morning of the ER. I remembered how much the Menopur burned, I remembered how much I spotted while on BCP's, and I remembered how my face broke out so bad that I looked like I belonged in a high school freshman English class. What I don't remember is having this much CM!
I honestly have so much CM that I feel like I am peeing on myself ALL DAY LONG! I do NOT remember this from last time. I remember having CM for like a day or two, but it wasn't this bad. It was more prominent than a natural cycle but nothing like this. I finally had to start wearing a liner. This doesn't help the feeling of me peeing on myself, but at least my clothing is staying dry this way. 

First Follie Check was today

I had my first follie check this morning for IVF#2. Dr. T only measured my largest 6 which range from 10-12mm each. I was a bit dissapointed that I'm not stimming as well this cycle as last time, but I'm trying to stay positive.  I didn't ask what my E2 was but my Dr. T said everything looked great. He thinks that we will only get about 8 eggs this time but he keeps reminding me its quality that matters.

My new instructions are are drop the Follistim down to 125 and add in the Menopur starting tonight. They don't want me back till Sunday which makes me a bit uneasy. I really wish they would check me on Friday also, but I guess they know what they are doing. If I start to feel really uncomfortble I will ask to go in on Friday just to be checked. As of today we are still on track for an ER on May 31st.I am really curious if it will happen or if they are going to have me go an extra day like last time. I guess I will find out on Sunday.

 For some reason this cycle seems to be going so much faster than last time and I'm starting to get excited! Another good thing that came out of our appointment today, was that  we found out that the IVF center will bill our insurance for the Anasthes (sp) fees! That is super exciting since our insurance will pay over half of it. Well, I'm about to go take my injections for tonight then head off to the Resolve meeting. I will see how that goes tonight and determine if this will be my last meeting.

What a Wonderful Weekend

Mr. P and I had such a wonderful weekend. Friday night we went to see The new Pirates of the Caribbean (sp) movie, Saturday we went golfing, and then today I had a spa day. It was so relaxing and nice to just spend the weekend doing stuff we enjoy and spending time together. I guess it was more relaxing for me since Mr. P didn't go to the spa, but I had a great weekend!

 I am on day three of stims right now and I'm feeling good. For some reason I have a really good feeling about this cycle. Much better than I did for IVF #1. I don't know if it's because of the shared risk and know that we will have tries left after this, or if its just because I'm in a better place now then I was for IVF #1. Whatever the reason, I am feeling really good about things right now and for that I am thankful!

My first follie check is on Wednesday. That is also the day that we have our next resolve meeting. Mr. P thinks that this should be our last meeting. I don't know. I think it will depend on how this cycle goes. If it is a BFN, I might want the support of the meetings again. I really like having a place to talk about things, but our group leader seems a bitter. It's nice to talk to her because she has been helpful in finding ways to express my feelings to Mr. P (she is a licenses social worker with her MSW), but at the same time she always compares her IVF cycle to mine. Its really weird. Mr. P doesn't think she is ready to lead a support group, but who knows. I guess we'll see how Wednesday goes and decide from there.

1st Trip to the Driving Range

A week ago today Mr. P informed me that he had scheduled us for a Tee time on Saturday. Because Mr. P doesn't have many friends here, I have occassionaly been asked to participate in activities with him that he would rather do with a male buddy. However since that option is not available, I get the pleasure of accompanying him. Well, since I am not a golfer, this of course meant that I needed golf outfits and my own set of clubs. So, last week, I got a two new golf outfits (a girl needs options) and a new set of clubs.
Unfortunately for Mr P, we had horrible storms this past weekend and we had to reschedule our Tee time. We did however make it to the driving range. Boy do I suck!! Mr. P told me that I was uncoachable, and I determined that I am going to secretly take golf lessons so I can kick his ass! There are weekly clinics on Thrusday nights all summer and that is exactly where I am going to be. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I open that first can of whip ass on him out on the greens!

Lovin Lupron

So after Mr. P revealed that the Lupron was making me crazy during our last cycle, I am trying to do everything I can to ensure that this time I don't let it get to me. I think in general I was extremely stressed out about our entire IVF cycle in February. Not to say that I'm not stressed out this time, but last cycle I was so concerned with how much money we were spending. This time we are spending way more - $17.000 more, but we know it will work, or we will get our money back. That is what has taken the stress -some of it anyway, away.
So I am now on Day 7 of the Lupron and I am loving it! HA!! I hate the night sweats I get while on Lupron and they always start for me on day 2. I literally wake up soaked to the point where I look like I have just finished an extreme workout. It is disgusting! I haven't really had headaches yet this cycle, and I really hope that they stay away.
So, in order to keep our minds off of the IVF we are tying to stay super busy this cycle so we aren't sitting at home thinking about it. Last night we were going to go out and watch a movie. I was super excited because Bridesmaids was released yesterday. Well, Mr. P took FOREVER to get ready. We had planned to leave the house at 6:50, get to the theater by 7:00, and the show started at 7:15. Well, we didn't leave till 7:00 and when we got to the theater the line was crazy long. So, we wait in line and what do you know, the couple in front of us gets the last two tickets! SOLD OUT! I was convinced (sp) that Mr. P took his sweet time getting ready in order to miss this movie. So, what are we doing tonight?? We will be leaving the house at 6:45 to ensure that we are seated with snacks and all by 7:00 cuz we are going to see this movie!
The only thing that did come out of last night was that I got a new set of golf clubs! They are super cheap - from Wally World, but Mr. P said that if I play at least five times this year then he will agree to let me get a better set. I am excited mostly because they are pink!

IVF #2 is a Go!

So I finally started my Lupron yesterday and I am officially on my way with IVF #2. I am pretty nervous as we will be participating in our clinics Shared Risk Program so this is going to cost us $22,000 + Meds. I am freaking out because this is the most we have ever paid for anything in our lives. I am freaking out, but I am excited because I know that we will either get the money back, or finally get our baby. I am nervous and also excited all at the same time.

Shared Risk or FET

If I said that part of me wasn't expecting our first IVF to fail, I would be lying. For some reason I always had a feeling that we would be successfull on #2 or #3. I don't know why. So, why then was I so shocked/upset when our first IVF failed? Probably because my believing that IVF #1 would fail was my defense mechanism because I was so scared.
Well now that IVF #1 is behind us, and our break cycle is almost over, we are trying to decide what to do next. When we initially started the IVF's, we had decided that we were going to do three IVF's and if they didn't work we would move on. Three was the magic number because that was the number our insurance covered at 50%. We didn't even really look into the Shared Risk program our clinic offers, and I'm not quite sure why. So, when this first IVF cycle failed and the nurse called to tell us what to do next to get ready for the FET, I started to wonder if the FET was going to be the best option for us.
With our clinics Shared Risk program you get 4 fresh IVF cycles and as many FET's as you have frozen embryos' to transfer. Of course there is a bunch of criteria that you have to meet to get into the program and one of those criteria is that you can't have a failed IVF cycle. Well, I do and I was super scared that they wouldn't let us into the program.
I met with my RE last week and he said that if we wanted to enroll into the program we could, but that he was awestruck that I didn't want to first try to transfer any of my 5 frozen blasts. I think what Mr. P and I are most concerned about is how much money we are spending. We originally thought we were only going to be paying 6K for our portion of the first IVF because we had some insurance coverage. Well, after all is said and done we will be paying about 8K.
Another thing I didn't think about when I was calculating the costs for the three IVF's we were willing to do, was the cost of a FET if we needed to do one since our insurance doesn't cover it. Finally, if I were to have a miscarriage, without shared risk we would have to start all over.
The toll of IVF is so much already I don't want to spend another cycle stressing over how much it's costing us. We have the money saved up, and I really think that best decision would be to do the Shared Risk. I just feel as though everyone at my RE's office is convinced that we should do the FET with two of our 5. Mr. P feels like they just want us to do that to make more money in case the FET doesn't work and then we can do the Shared Risk. I'm afraid that if we do the FET's and they don't work that we are out another 6K (they are 3K each) and that we won't be eligible to do the Shared Risk program.
We haven't completely decided yet, but we are 80%/20% in favor of doing the Shared Risk. My period is due this Friday and the money is due by CD 10 that gives us about five days to decided which way we are going, and if we are doing the Shared Risk, 2 weeks to get our finances together.

30 Days

Wow, I can't believe it's been thirty days since I've posted on here. I gave up being on the computer for more than an hour after work for Lent and I guess that really killed my time to blog about my boring life! So not much has really happened in the last month. We found out that Mr. P isn't going to be able to start on Active Duty as quickly as we had thought if he is even able to start at all. He was originally slated to start in July, but when he had his physical he revealed that he had some back problems. Well, he now has to undergo a medical review board to determine if he can go Active Duty and it looks like the process is going to take a while. If he allowed in, he will have to start with the next class which is in October! That is crazy!

 The only silver lining in this cloud is that he was offered a full time position with the law firm he was doing temp work for! It was actually pretty insane how it all worked out. He found out about the review board last Monday morning, then he got the call about the full time position Monday afternoon. I know he is upset about having to wait to go AD, but I think getting the full time offer helped soften the blow. Not to mention it buys him time if he finds out he is unable to go AD at all.

The thought of him not being able to go AD is met with mixed emotions around here. I am personally sick of moving around. For the last 6 years I was AD and didn't live in any one place for longer than 9 months straight. When I got off of AD last March, I had no idea that Mr. P would want to go AD. However, this is really what he wants. He has already passed the bar in one state and if he isn't able to join the military he would have to take the bar again in the state we currently live in before he could practice here. I don't want him to have to do that.

So that is what's going on with us right now. As far as TTC goes, we are currently trying to decide what do next. We don't know if we want to enroll in our clinics Shared Risk program or if we will do a FET. I will have do another post about that since this one is long enough!

8dp5dt

I tested this morning with at EPT digital. I was way to scared to read the results so I made Mr. P go in and read them. Actually, that is what I've done the past three months that I have even taken a HPT. Well, what do you know, it was negative. I can't believe this. I really can't believe that this cycle failed. We are just shocked and confused. I don't know what we could do any different next time to have a better outcome.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but while I am crushed, I had a feeling that this would be our outcome. I don't know why, but I always thought that this would take 2-3 times to work for us. I don't know why. I prayed that it would work on the first time, but I have always had a feeling that it would take us at least two trys.

We have no idea when we will try again. or how we will try again. By how, I am referring to another  fresh IVF cycle complete with the follicle stimulating drugs, enema, and douching, or a frozen cycle where they thaw one or two of our five frozen blastocysts. I guess that will depend mostly on what the doctor suggests, but I personally am leaning towards a fresh cycle. I hate taking the drugs, I hate the eneman, and I have having to inject myself, but I am somewhat convinced that we have better odds with a fresch transfer. I don't know why.

By when we we will try again I am referring to me not knowing my RE's protocol for a second IVF cycle. I remember him saying before that he wanted us to wait a cycle after a failed IVF cycle so I am assuming that once I get my period in March we would wait for my normal cycle to start again in April, and then in April I could start IVF number 2. I could be wrong though because for some reason I am thinking that I have to wait till May. I don't know. I prefer that we can cycle again with BCP's starting on CD3 of the period I get in April.

 I guess when we try again will depend a lot on our tax return too! IVF is so expensive. We have about 50% coverage and we still ended up paying almost $7000 out of pocket for this cycle. At our clinic Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) run about $3000 (supposedly) so it would definitely be a lot cheaper to do the FET than another fresh cycle. Not to mention that the FET would be a lot less taxing on my body. I am curious what the real cost of the frozen cycle is. I swear everytime I think I know what the cost of my IVF cycle is going to be, I get a bill for something else!

I guess we will wait to see what the doctor says though before we really make up our minds.

4dp5dt

So today I am 4dp5dt and I am trying to be hopeful, but I am so scared. I can say that this progesterone is killing me and that if this cycle fails, I will not look forward to taking it again.

 I don't really have any "symptoms". I have been cramping on and off, but I have really been doing that since my ER. The only difference right now between this cycle and any other cycle where I am 9DPO, is that my face has broken out like a pubescent teenager. That I am not excited about. Unfortunately, I can't even blame that on the progesterone as my face has been like this since I started stims. I just noticed yesterday that it has started to get worse.

Really, the only thing that bothers me about the progesterone is what it leaves behind. This stuff is disgusting! I would still rather do the Crino.ne instead of the injections, but it is gross!

Even though it is early, I really wanted to test today. Mr. P asked me not to, so I won't. We agreed on the day of the transfer that we would test on Wednesday, so that is what we will stick to. It is killing me though. I want so bad for this to be the cycle that I finally get pregnant. It is just so hard to continue to try when you have had nothing but failure. Really, No matter what we have done it has not been successful and it feels like this will never be real for us.

Had Egg Transfer Today

So I had my egg transfer today and I while I was so nervous before it, everthing went really well. I'm afraid to type that because if things don't work out I don't know how they could possibly be any better the next time around. I guess there is always room for improvement, but I was pretty pleased.
The day started out way too early for me. I went in at 6 am so that I would only mss 3 hours of work and not 5. Once I was at work I tried everything I could do to keep my mind off of the transfer but that was really hard to do with the current "freeze" that is going on in our office that has stalled our work.

So Mr. P showed up around 11:30 and we were off to the IVF center. As soon as I got in the car he reminded me to take my valium which actually reminded me that I wasn't drinking enough water. I was supposed to void my bladder at 10:30 and then start drinking water. Well I voided at 10:15 and 10:45 and forgot to start drinking water. As soon as we got to the center I told the ladies that I needed to start drinking more water.

The nurse came and got us immediately and took us back to the same room we were in prior to and after my egg retrieval. Immediately they did an ultrasound to see how full my bladder was. Well, big surprise, it wasn't that full. I was given another 20 oz's of water and drank it while I waited for Dr. T. to come in. For some reason about 5 min after I guzzled that water, I had to pee so bad!

 Dr. T was supposed to be in at 12:30 to start the procedure. I finished drinking the water at about 12:20. Dr. T didn't get there till about 12:50. He came in and confirmed that we wanted to transfer two blastocysts. I asked him what they were graded and he answered that they were both 4AB. He then also informed us that we had 2 more the lab was going to freeze today, and 4 that were still growing that might be frozen tomorrow. We were thrilled! All 8 of our embryo's were still doing well on day 5.

The transfer went pretty quick and painless.Dr. T appeared to be getting annoyed with the ultrasound tech though. Mr. P said that twice he grabbed the wand from her to position it where he wanted it. I heard him tell the embrologist (sp) to hold something, but I couldn't see what was going on. Mr. P said he was handing the cathether to the embriologist so that he could snatch the wand. I think the hardest part was having to hold my bladder that long. I really had to pee. I asked the nurses if anyone had ever peed on the doctor before and she said that some had been pretty close. I thnk I was in that category. The only gross thing about the transfer was the Crinone build-up that I didn't know I had till this morning. Dr. T had to clean it out before the transfer and that grossed me out!

Once the transfer was done we just had to wait for 30 min. before we could leave. Unfortunately, I did have to use the bed pan. Honestly, I didn't want to, but I had to go so bad that it wasn't an option to not use it. So, for the most part things went really well. I have my blood pregnancy test on the 14th and I feel like that is an eternity away.

Transfer Tomorrow

I have my egg tansfer tomorrow and to say that I am scared would be an understatement. I am scared shitless. This cycle seemed to be taking forever when I was going through it, but now that it is almost over it feels as though it has flown by. I can't believe that it is almost over.
Obviously I finally got a call about our fertilization. After Mr. P and I both left messages with the clinic answering machine on Saturday, I finally got a call around 10 pm that said that of my 17 eggs only 8 had fertilized. Dr. T felt that was pretty good, but I was a bit skeptical of a 50% fert rate. He told me that I would hear from them on Monday to determine whether or not a 3 day transfer would be done.
Monday morning I got to work at 6 am so that if I had to do the transfer in the afternoon I could at least get a few hours of work in.
Around 9 they called and let me know that all 8 were doing well and that they were going to push out my transfer to a 5 day transfer. You would think that I would have been relieved by this since all weekend I prayed for a 5 day transfer, but it has actually stressed me out even more. I am so scared that tomorrow morning I am going to get a call saying that all of my embies didn't make it and that I have nothing left to transfer. I am so scared. This whole process is so scary and nerve wrecking and I honestly don't know if I could do this again. I am just praying that everything works. I really hope that God answers our prayers and allows us to start our family.

Waiting...

It is 3:22pm and I am still waiting on our Fert Report. I honestly think I am about to lose my shit! I do not understand what the fuck is taking so long. Of course my mind goes straight to negativeville and I'm sure that there is something wrong and that is why we haven't been called. That the clinic has the wrong number so they can't get a hold of us. Something! There must be something wrong because there is no way that it would take this long to call us and give us our report. Seriously!! Why haven't they called yet? Seriously, what if they have the wrong number and I don't hear from them tomorrow and then I find out on Monday that we have to do a 3 day transfer? I won't have any time to get things taken care of for being off work, I wouldn't even know till around 9 am because that's when there office opens and that would be the first time I could call them. Seriously, I am freaking out here. If this was a week day, we are instructed to call by 10 am if we haven't heard. So, why is it because it's Saturday that I have to wait till the end of the day to hear something. UGH!! I am so frustrated.

We had our Egg Retrieval Today

We had our egg retrieval! It was a lot different than I expeted it would be, in fact, the last two days were a lot different than I expected them to be. Wednesday night Mr. P gave me my HCG injection. To say that I was nervous about him injecting me would be an understatement. First, I am afraid of needles and the HCG injection needle is a big one. Second, the one time that Mr. P did an injection on me, it appeared that he was trying to jab the needle in. It scared me! So, after my US on Wednesday, I had the nurse mark the injection site, at 8:30 we watched the injection video three times, and aroud 9:10pm I sat on an ice pack. at 9:15 Mr. P did the injection, and I couldn't feel a thing. When I could see him pushing in the plunger I asked him if the needle was all the way in and he said yes. That was shock number one.

Last night came shock number 2. Honestly, I can't really say that it came last night, but I think I was in denial about it prior to last night. When we first got our instructions about the retrieval it clearly stated that the night before the retrieval that I needed to have an enema, and that I had to douche. As long as I have read post on online message boards about IVF I had never heard of that part. Nobody once mentioned doing an enema or douching. In fact, I didn't even know they still made douches. I finally came to the determination that one of the RE's at the R.I.V.F.& A.C must have been shit on during a procedure and this was their solution to that problem.
So, last night we went to CVS to pick up the Fleet Enema and then to Target to get the douche. When we got home I had to brace myself for what was to come. Mr. P had me get ready and then he gave me the enema. Then, you have to stay in the position that it is injected in till you get the urge to go. As if getting the enema wasn't embarrassing enough, he decided to hang around and wait for it to work. REALLY!!
So, last night I spent about an hour in the "water room".
So the surprise today? That the egg retrieval was not near as bad as I thought it would be. This morning I was so uncomfortable and in quite a bit of pain. In fact, I've been really uncomfortable for the past three days. I started feeling ovary pain pretty bad Monday night that would come and go, but this morning there was no relief. I was in pain. We got to the center and everything went pretty smoothly. One embarrassing thing though is that I guess when I woke up from the procedure I asked if I could take Frankie home with me.  Fra.nk S is our anathes. (i can't spell) and is like 60 years old. When I found out I said that, I was slightly embarrassed.
Overall all though the procedure went really well. They were able to get out 17 eggs and tomorrow we will find out how many were mature and how many fertilized. I am so nervous and scared all at the same time. This IVF has been crazy and I really don't want to do this again. Obviously we would, but I really don't want to. This has just been a crazy rollercoaster that I feel is just reaching the point where you go through all the thrills. We still have to wait for our fert report, find out what day our transfer is, find out what we are transferring, and do our two week wait. I am scared! Honestly, this year has been a whirlwind and I don't really know how much I can handle.

First Monitoring Appt

I had my first monitoring appointment today. I was quite pleased with how the appointment went althought I'm not quite sure what is going on. Dr. T measured about 6 follies. 4 on the right and about 2 on the left. He changed my dosage of follistim from 250 down to 125 and then we are to add in the menopur and continue the lupron. I asked him about the amount of CM that I have because that was beginning to worry me. He told me that was normal due to the amount of estrogen that I was producing and not to worry. Our next appointment is on Tuesday. We will find out then if we are ready to trigger, or if I will need to stim longer. I hope I don't have to stim longer because I only have enough Menopur for five days, and Tuesday would be the last day.
My nurse then went over all the stuff we need to know about this cycle. I swear everytime I walk out of that office I end up with like 50 pages of information. First, I didn't know I had to take an enema! I am not exactly looking forward to that. Although, I would rather take the enema than the HCG injection. Then I have to douche twice. I didn't even know they still sold douches. I am "lucky" enough to not have to do the PIO injections. I don't think I could have given myself an injection in the ass everynight and since Mr. P will be leaving to go to AT in March, if this works then that's what I would have been left to do.
Speaking of Mr. P, I just found out today that he will be gone for so long next month. I knew he had AT coming up, but I didn't realize that he would be leaving so soon. That sucks! That means if this cycle is a bust, I will have to deal with this all on my own. This is a very emotional process for me. I am excited, yet I am scared shitless. Not just the IVF not working scares me, but also of the HCG injection, and then also losing hope. I am trying to stay positive, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but it's hard. I am excited though, because this could finally be it! In one week, we will know how many eggs we have and when we are going to transfer them.

I'm beginning to Freak Out!

I am really beginning to freak out about this cycle. I know that I shouldn’t be, but I am. I have spent all morning researching the 2008 SART stats and that has not been good for me. In fact nothing I’ve been doing has been good for me. I am obsessed with this IVF cycle, but it has got to be to a point that is unhealthily. All day I am reviewing what my RE is doing versus what other people I read about on the internet are doing with their RE. I am freaking out that I am going to have a lead follie like I did for my last IUI and that is going to ruin the whole cycle. I am worried that I’m not on enough medication. I am freaking out about everything, but in reality, I don’t know enough to be freaking out so much.

I have felt some sort of “pain” in my left ovary which makes me feel like I have the lead follie.  Because of what happened with my last IUI, I feel that is the concern that I have that is valid. I can’t wait for Friday to get here so that my fears can be calmed by the ultrasound. Although, I am not really sure that my fears will be calmed, so I’m freaking out even more. This is so stupid.

I know why I’m freaking out so much. I’m freaking out because I finally feel like I have a chance to become pregnant with our first child. This cycle will give us the best odds that we have ever had at becoming parents, but it’s not guaranteed. If this doesn’t work, then a part of me is going to wonder if anything will ever work, and I will start to feel as if all hope is lost. Honestly, I almost lose my breath thinking of that option. It scares me that much.  Right now I feel like I still have hope and that there is still a chance, but I feel that if this doesn’t work, then what. I am afraid that I will lose all hope.

WOW, I'm a bad blogger!

But I have what I consider to be a good excuse.

Friday the 21^st I got a call from my RE’s nurse that some of my blood work had come back unusual. They wanted me to repeat my blood work and schedule a follow-up with a GI doctor. I was told that they weren’t worried about anything and that I could still go on with our cycle, or I could postpone it. I choose to post pone. For, one week until my follow up blood work came back, I was freaking myself out that there was something wrong with me. Well, my results came back and everything was fine. I was worried for nothing.

So, we decided to go back on our schedule for the IVF, only I had stopped taking the Lupron. I was still taking the birth control pills however. So I restarted my Lupron and got the new schedule for my IVF. So where do you think my mind went? That’s right, crazy! I have now convinced myself that I have messed up this cycle because of starting and stopping the Lupron and because my dates have had to change. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow and I hope that the ultrasound will calm my fears.

I think another reason that I’m worried, is because I can’t remember what my calendar for this cycle even looks like. I have no idea when I’m going to start my stims, or what I’ll be stimming on when. I’m also irrationally worried because I don’t seem to be on as many meds as so many other women who go through IVF.

Finally worry, Mr. P seems a little too excited to be giving me shots.

So, how has my IVF cycle been so far? So far so good. I started my BCP’s on the 15^th of January and stopped them on February 4^th. I spotted the entire time.
I started Lupron for the 2^nd time on February 1^st, and haven’t had any side effects so far. I’ve heard many women say that they have had hot flashes and I could only wish. I have been freezing! I can’t really contribute that to the Lupron however, because well, it’s the middle of winter.

Okay, reading this, I really didn’t have a good excuse; I’m just a bad blogger.

Mock Transfer

I had my trial transfer today, and it was not at all what I was expecting. I had read several post on an Infertility Board that I frequent about how it was painful for some women and others didn't feel much at all. Since I hate getting a pap smear done I was sure that I was going to pass out when I had my trial transfer done. Mr. P had decided not to go with me to the trial transfer and I told him it was okay. Once I pulled up in the parking lot however I was cussing him and wondering why he wasn't there. That's how afraid I was of this appointment.
When I got into Dr. T's office I was told ushered right back to the room. We stopped on the way so that I could empty my bladder which immediately let me know that they don't do full bladder transfers at my clinic. I didn't think to ask if that meant that my transfer wouldn't be ultrasound guided. Now I wish I would have asked. I don't remember him using the ultrasound today, but, I was trying hard to concentrate on the magazine in my hand.
The trial really wasn't that bad. It hurt a lot less than any of the IUI's or Pap's I've ever had. Once he was done measuring my uterus, he looked at my ovaries. The appointment really only took about 20 min and then we were done.
After Dr. T was done I went to see the IVF nurse to go over my schedule. That was when I found out that my dates were being pushed up. I will only be on the BCP for 2 weeks and I will start the lupron on Tuesday. My ER is now tentatively scheduled for the 15th. The only good thing is that is a Saturday so it's one less day I'll have to miss work.
We did find out that we got our insurance approval. Now I'm just waiting to see how much they will cover of our meds. I have to call tomorrow if I don't hear from them so I'm sure that will be a fun conversation. I'll be sure to update tomorrow.

And now we wait....

My period finally started on Thursday. Usually I get a day of spotting beforehand, but not this time. I woke up around 3 am to pee and had a lovely little surprise waiting for me when I wiped. I wasn't too upset. I expected it. Why would this month be any different? So I called the Dr.'s office when I got to work to let them know. Val went over our tentative timeline and told me what appointments to go ahead and schedule.
Tentatively this is our schedule:
January 15th: Start BCP
January 20th: Mock Transfer
January 31st: Start Lupron
February 10th: Start Stims
February 22nd: ER
February 25th-27th: ET

I think I might be missing a few things.

After she gave me the schedule, she transferred me up front to the insurance coordinator. Herein lies the problem. Mr. P didn't want to get his SA done last month. For some reason he wanted to wait till January to do it. I guess we misunderstood when he needed to have it done by and thought that he just needed it done prior to the ER. Well, we were both wrong. I found out on Thursday when I called that prior to approving our cycle, we have to have the SA results and my CD3 BW results. It takes a week to get the SA results! I was pissed. I did not want to start the BCP's if our insurance is going to deny our IVF and make us do another IUI. But, I didn't really have a choice. So, here we are waiting to see what our insurance company is going to decide.

Money Matters

It kills me when Mr. P and I argue about money. I hate it. Mostly becauase so money matters lead to the demise of so many marriages and because we have such different views on money, we NEVER get anywhere. So here's what happened today. Back story - last August my cell phone stopped working. After I had my car accident in December Mr. P and I decided that I needed to get a new phone.
Last night Mr. P and I were going over our finances. We have recently had an increase in our monthly bills that we really weren't expecting. Mr. P's grace period on his student loans ran out so his payment went up from $28 a month, to $412! I NEVER thought it would go up that much, but I guess this is one that we should have been expecting. My co-pays for physical therapy are running us $280 a month, my co-pays for my RE and my ortho dr. is running us around $150 a month. Because we hadn't really planned for these expenses I determined that we needed to cut some areas on our budget like eating out and our month "free spend" money for a while. This didn't go over so well with Mr. P since he acts like eating out is his life!!
Fast forward to tonight. I was online when I noticed that verizon is about to release the new iphone 4. So in my excitement I scream for Mr. P to come in the room. I simply asked him to guess who was getting a new phone, and he replied "i'm not going to ruin your excitement by saying anything". I already knew what he was referring to, but I asked him to explain anyway. Of course, he doesn't see how me needing a phone and spending money on that is different from spending money on eating out. I get his point, I don't need an iphone, I just need a phone. But, it's time for our upgrade so we won't be paying full price, and we both determinded that I needed a phone prior to hearing that verizon was getting the iphone.

Honestly, I don't really care about the phone. If that's how he feels and if with our upgrade the iphone is still really expensive, I won't get it. This is what pissed me off.  Every time that Mr. P talks about my spendoing, he brings up the fact that I bought a LV dog carrier 4 years ago! He goes on and on about how it was living beyond my means and tonight he used the term "reckless"! Really?? I don't understand that at all. When I bought it, I had just returned from a year long deployment to Iraq. I had $0 credit card debt. My car was paid off, and I could have paid off my student loans but wanted to keep paying on them for a longer credit history. Making the payment didn't put me behind on any of my monthly bills, I still put the same amount in my savings account that month as I always did, and I still paid my rent.

It really pisses me off that he brings it up. Especially when he says dumb shit like "think of where we could have been" when he hasn't contributed to our savings account at all in the last 4 years!! What the fuck gives him the right to say anything? I have built our savings account up from the ground and he hasn't contributed at all, yet he feels like he can talk shit about a purchase I made four years ago?? Really!!

Scared Shitless

I don't think there is another way to describe how I am feeling right now. Not only am I scared, but I am worrying myself so much thinking about the upcoming IVF cycle that I am making myself physically sick. I am just so terrified. What if this doesn't work? We are cleaning out our savings account to try to build our family and there is not guarentee that this will even work. IVF is our last chance at having a baby and I am terrified of it not working. I'm terrified of all the shot's I'll have to give myself or have Mr. P give me.
Mr. P is being so good about all of this. Part of me feels it's because all he really has to do during the IVF is make a deposit, and take a few pills. I have to have all the invasive procedures and tap dance around my work schedule and doctor appointments. I know that isn't fair to think that but I still do.
I really don't know why I'm being such a baby about this. When we agreed to do the IVF I knew what this was going to entail. I guess part of me just thought that we would get a "hail mary" BFP and that we wouldn't need the IVF. I know thats probably stupid but that's what I thought.