Sunday, November 21, 2010

7 weeks ago today

7 Weeks ago today is when I tore my Achilles tendon. For the past seven weeks I have not slept more than 4 hours in a row, I have not carried a full glass on my own, I have not showered standing up, I have not done any physical activity, and I have not gone more than 3 days in a row without crying. I hate this. This weekend one of my friends back home got married. We had been planning on going to this wedding months before I got injured so we were not going to cancel. Unfortunately for me, that might not have been the best decision. 
First, going through the airport was hell. When we left our usually uncrowded airport was extremely crowded. Mr. P stood in line while I tried to go print off our boarding passes before joining him. Bad idea. I had my foot bumped 3 times within that five minute period. Once we finally got checked in, came security. Because I couldn't go through the scanning machine without my crutches, I had to get one of the new TSA pat-downs. I'm not a modest person, so this really didn't bother me, but I could easily see how some could be offended. They stick their hands down in your pants to feel along your waistband. What is the point of that? I told the female assist who did it that this was the most action I have gotten in a while. I would love to know what they can feel from that that they couldn't feel on the outside of my pants. Next came the jet way. Actually, on our first flight, the jet way didn't come. We were on one of those small ass plans that you have to go down the stairs of the building and then outside to get to. Try that on crutches. It sucks. I had to crutch down like 30 steps, then crutch up the inclined make-shift-ghetto ass (jet way). I was pissed. Not to mention that the plane was so small that I couldn't stretch my leg at all, or put it up at all. So, Mr. P graciously allowed me to put it across his legs. Our second flight was almost perfect, except that when we got to the airport for our layover, they would not bring us a wheelchair. Mr. P finally spotted them 20 yards away so he took it upon himself to go get it.
My parents actually picked us up from the airport. It was really nice to see them and get to spend the day with them. Unfortunately for me, I was so excited, that I over exerted myself and by the time we got to the wedding I was so tired and in so much pain, that we had to leave early.
We flew back today I am still in pain from yesterday. Lucky for me they did my "airport pat-down" while I was sitting in the wheelchair this morning because there is no way that I could have stood up that whole time.
Both flights today were horrible. I was just in so much pain the whole time I basically cried the entire way home. I told Mr. P like three times today that I wish I would have chosen to not have the surgery, and that if this ever happens again, I won't do the surgery.
 I never knew I would be in this much pain. I have read a few other Achilles tendon repair blogs and everyone talks about how mobile they are at what point, but hardly any of them talk about the pain. Well, I will tell you it hurts!! It hurts really bad. Obviously it doesn't hurt as bad as it did when the nerve block wore off, but nonetheless, it hurts! I have literally been in pain everyday for over a month. I hate it. I am sure that I am not a pleasure to be around. I don't even want to be around me right now. I can't sleep, I'm constantly in pain, I can't get comfortable, but yet I still want to be independent and have a "normal" life.
Due to all of this, I think we are going to have to put off any fertility treatments for a while. I don't know yet if I'm pissed or if I just feel defeated right now. Honestly, I am just in too much pain right now to focus on anything else. I know that my pain fluctuates, so tomorrow I could be feeling awesome, but I doubt it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Good News (maybe)

So whem Mr. P came home for lunch today he was able to share some hopefully good news! Backstory first, Mr. P just graduated law school in May. He applied for and was accepted into the Active Duty Army JAG Corp, but he won't get commissioned into the corp until July of 2011. So right now he is still a Transportation Corp officer in the National Guard, and he works at a temp agency doing claims work. Last weekend he had drill and he was asking his training NCO about opportunities for him to get some full time work in since his claims job will end after Thanksgiving. His training NCO told him about three possibilities. 1. He could do another AT in December - his unit has some mission where they need addtional support so they have the option to work for 15 days full time. The problem is that with my current injury status, I am too dependent on Mr. P for him to leave me for three weeks as his unit is in another state.
2. Same as option 1, but it is in January. I should be more independent by then, but it would suck to lose Mr. P for three weeks.
3. He could go to his Captains Career Course Active Duty - this would be awesome! The course is only a short commute away so he could drive back and forth daily, and it's almost six months long! This would basically employ him until he started JAG! I would be so excited!

Well, when Mr. P came home from work, he told me that he talked to his training NCO and there are 7 slots open in the course. His NCO is going to call down to the school house today and see if he can enroll him. Please keep your fingers crossed for Mr. P! I know I would be so excited and he would too! Not to mention that since I just finished the course, I have all the materials that he would be needing so I could easily help him out with all of his classwork. I hope I don't jinx us by posting about it, but I'm just really excited. More to follow!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Onto Another Cycle

Right on schedule my period started this morning. I am so heartbroken. I can't believe that after almost three years, we are still trying to make a baby. I wish I could say that every month it gets easier to deal with, but that is actually the opposite for me. I guess now I am more numb to it, but it isn't easier. This month I had spotting on CD 9 which I was sure was implatation bleeding and my hopes were up so much that I allowed Mr. P to talk me into testing early which I never do! So, on CD 11, and on CD 13 we tested. I wouldn't even look at the test. I just pee'd on the stick and handed it to Mr. P. A few minutes later he came back in to let me know what I hoped wasn't true, but already knew, I wasn't pregnant. Even with the warning that I had, my heart sank when I started the red flow today.

I am just so upset and I'm beginning to feel like this is never going to happen. As of right now we have decided that we are going to try one more cycle then go back to the IUI's but I don't know how I'm feeling about that right now. That would put us cycling in December right around Christmas. Since my whole family is coming here for Christmas, I don't know how I'll be able to handle both my emotions, the family, and a bfn if it didn't work. Not to mention that I'm still in the boot so I don't exactly know how my RE would feel about putting me in stirrups with that big ol boot on. I think waiting till January would be best for us. I just don't want to wait anymore. Goodness this is so frustrationg.

 Another determing factor in the equation is that we just switched insurance and I don't know what they will or won't cover yet since infertility coverage has to be approved. I also don't know how long it will take for our benefits to kick in, we enrolled last Friday but we still aren't showing up in their system today. I would love to be able to talk to their infertility coordinator to find out the answers to my questions about coverage but I can't even do that till we show up in their system. Ugh!!

This whole process has just been daunting (sp) on both Mr. P and I. We had all of our diagnostic testing done last year and we did our first three rounds of IUI last year. None of them worked and I know that I am unfairly taking out my frustrations about the failures on Mr. P and that I need to stop, but I continue to do it. I just get so frustrated because I feel that Mr. P and I aren't always on the same page about how we want to handle the next step in the process. Mr. P thinks that because it took his parents 7 years to get pregnant than we should just keep trying on our own and let it happen. I don't want to tell him that I think his mother is so stupid that she probably had no idea when she ovulated and that six and half years of the seven she was probably having sex when she wasn't even fertile. But, that is a whole different topic. He also feels that we are jumping the gun doing treatments and that we should continue to try on our own. Here are my two problems with that:

1. We have had a Semen Analysis done, it showed a morph of 2% and our RE doesn't even feel that IUI's are the best way for us to conceive. If we do them again it will be because they are either required by our insurance, or because our insurance denied our IF treatment and we want a lower cost option before going directly to IVF.
2. In six months, Mr. P is leaving to go into the Army. After that, who knows what our lives are going to hold. He will be gone for six months right off the bat for school, and then we have no idea where he is going to be stationed, if or when he will deploy, what our insurance options will be when we move. We know nothing.

Mr. P has agreed to treatment but I don't feel that his heart is completely in it. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, and there rises our constant points of contention. I really think and hope that once we meet with our RE again and have our consultation before starting treatments again that Mr. P will understand our chances of conceiving on our own. Once we meet with our RE again and he goes over our options, then I think we will be able to better make a decision that is best for us.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Should I Tell Him?

I haven't blogged much lately, not because I have forgotten, but mostly because I don't have much going on. Other than going back to work on Thursday, my life has consisted pretty much of sitting down with my leg propped up. Today, just like every day for the past month, I am sitting here, with my leg up. Only today I decided that I would sit in the kitchen all day so I could at least have a change of scenery. After Mr. P gets me situated, he tells me that he is going to spend the day cleaning. Why would I oppose to that? Only thing, our cleaning service is scheduled to be here on Thursday. Should I tell him? Probably not!