My Litter Biter

So I go to pick up LC from Day Care yesterday and his teacher tells me that she thinks he’s teething. I ask why and she proceeds to tell me that he bit another child. Twice. We had to sign incident reports and everything. I just called to see how his day was going today, and they told me that so far he hasn’t bitten any of the other children. However, he did bite a teacher!

Memorial Day Weekend

I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.  We went back home for the Holiday and it is always nice to be home. I usually only get home about once a year, so when I do go home, it is like a mad dash to try to see all my family and friends.

I don’t really know how to write this post, because there is so much shit on my mind that I want to get off.

I have a friend who has a LO about a month older than LC. Last year when I was home we took a pic of them sitting side by side in their strollers. This year we took another pic of them sitting side by side and it is amazing to see how  much they have changed. This got me thinking about all the things that have gone on in LCs first year. All this shit that no one tells you about when you go to parenting classes.

1.       No one ever mentioned to me that LO’s who are breastfeeding can have reactions to what their moms are eating. I NEVER heard of MSPI and I had no idea that LC shit blood because of what I was eating.

2.       I didn’t know that babies could have reflux.

3.       I didn’t know that babies could spit up because their tummies didn’t empty fast enough and they could have something called Delayed Gastric Emptying (DGE). Luckily for us LC had a VERY MILD case of this, but I just thought babies spit up. I didn’t know there COULD BE other things going on.

Another thing that I was thinking about this weekend was how naïve I have been when it comes to TTC baby number 2. For some reason I just assumed that since I had one successful pregnancy, that when I got pregnant again, it would be fine. I NEVER in a million years thought I would have a miscarriage. Then when I got pregnant yet again, I never in a million years thought I would have a SECOND miscarriage. It’s just so funny to me how things turn out. How you imagine your life will be, and how things really end up.

Am I Being Greedy?

This is what I am starting to wonder. When we were TTC LC I remember praying so hard to just have one baby and saying that I just wanted one baby and that I would be grateful to just have one child. Well here I am with an adorable, charming, vivacious 14 month old who is truly the light of my life, and I want another child. Am I being greedy? Did I use up all of my prayers to get him? Am I being held to what I asked for and do I just need to learn to be thankful that even have a child when so many don’t? I am really struggling with having another CP. In fact I am trying so hard to disassociate myself from this pregnancy because I think I feel like it won’t be real then.

I am just having such a hard time trying to understand how this is happening to me again. Like what did I do wrong to have to go through this? Why am I being punished? Is this Karma from earlier in my life? I just can’t believe that is happening to me again. I just really don’t understand why I would be allowed to get my hopes up so high to just have them crushed just a few days later. This sucks!

I am just so messed up right now! I don’t know how to take this all. Before LC I couldn’t get pregnant at all. Now I appear able to get pregnant but I can’t stay that way. Do I have a new IF issue now, or is this really just bad luck? Should I be going back to my RE or should I stick to my OB/GYN? I am so flipping confused! Not to mention that I am scared. I am scared to death of TTC again because I don’t want to go through this again. However, I still want another baby.

I read a post somewhere, that IF had taken all the fun out of getting pregnant and now having a miscarriage has taken a lot of the excitement out of finding out your pregnant. I don’t know if it was on someone’s blog, or if I saw it on a message board, but I 100% agree with that statement.

105 doubling time of 60 hours....

Real quick update on what is going on with me,

My OB had me do another beta because she just thinks it was way to early last week and she isn't ready to call it yet. So, I had it drawn yesterday. My beta came back at 105 which is so low... but.... it's within "normal" doubling times from my last beta. I don't even know what to think...

23... another Chemical Pregnancy

My beta from Friday came back at 23. It looks like it is another CP. This month I tested at 11 DPO which is the earliest I have ever tested in my life. My rule has always been that I wait until I am 3 days late (17dpo) to test. However, just like in March, I knew I was pregnant. The strangest thing about both of my CP cycles has been that I have started to have pregnancy symptoms super early with both of them. In fact that is what initially scared me this cycle. I know I shouldn’t compare everything to my pregnancy with LC, but that is my only successful pregnancy, so I do. With him, I didn’t feel anything.  I wasn’t tired, coffee tasted great, I didn’t have heartburn; I had no symptoms what-so-ever. The only reason I tested was because I was three days late.
With both of my CPs, I have had heartburn, nausea, exhaustion, increased bathroom trips, extreme bloating, etc. well before AF was due. I don’t get it! If my HCG is so much lower, why do I have so many symptoms and why are they so much sooner? I didn’t start feeling this way until I was at least 7wks pregnant with LC. I really just don’t get it.

So, we are stuck as to where to go from here. When I had my CP in March, my OB said that the odds of this happening again were rare. So, when I got my positive this month, I just went to a OB near my office to have my beta drawn. I just figured that I would have my betas drawn, put my mind at ease and go back to my OB for my first “real” appointment around 7-8wks. I did this because I really didn’t think I was going to have another CP and because we moved and my regular OB is now an hour away. Basically I was being lazy.

Well when the nurse called with my beta yesterday she told me that the doctor “suggested” that I do another beta, but that because it went up, I didn’t have to. I could just come in at my 7wk appointment. HELLO, the number didn’t double or even come close to it. In fact, the doubling time was 135 hours. I’m not sure why she would just try to let me think that was normal. Immediately after talking to that nurse, I called my regular OBs office. I had my records faxed over there and I’m now waiting for them to call me back. The hubs and I really like and trust her and we are just going to follow her recommendations for us moving forward.  

We will have to take time off this summer because my husband is having back surgery in June and during his recovery I’m sure that doing the deed will be both off limits and the last thing on our minds. I am going to ask my regular OB (Dr. D) if I can have RPL testing done although this is only (only – I really don’t like using that word there) our second loss. I am afraid that she is going to refer us back to a RE. I don’t know why, but I am reluctant to do any treatments because the only times I have EVER gotten pregnant were on natural, unmediated cycles, without the assistance on a RE. However we might not have a choice. Both the hubs and I trust and respect her and have agreed that we will do whatever she suggests.

Maybe in a round-a-bout way, this forced break comes at a good time. Hopefully I can get any necessary testing done now and out of the way so that I have a plan in place when we are ready to TTC again after the hubs heals. My two fears are that my body is attacking the embryo or that I have crappy eggs. Currently we have 5 frozen embies from our first IVF cycle and we are willing to use them, but I want to make sure that my body isn’t going to attack them first. They were frozen when I was 30 so I am going to assume that they are better quality than any embryo my almost 33 year old eggs would make now, but who knows. Uggghhh! I am just so frustrated that I’m here. IF has taken all the joy out of getting pregnant, and now this has taken all the joy and excitement out of finding out I’m going to be expecting and replaced it with fear. I hate that. I feel defeated before the battle even begins.

Also, a little note here about pregnancy test…. I will NEVER look at one again. When we start trying again I am going to have the hubs look at the test and tell me if it is positive or negative. Over the last two cycles I have spent well over $100 on pregnancy tests. Oh, and I don’t believe that digital test aren’t as sensitive. I got a positive on a digital at 12dpo and my beta for that day was 18. I think they are pretty sensitive.

18

So my beta came back at 18 from Wednesday which was 12 DPO. I haven’t gotten it back yet from Friday, and I’m starting to get a little pissed about that. Like a dumbass I have continued to take pregnancy test like they are going out of style. Unfortunately for me, they aren’t getting any darker.  I know that people say that the darkness of the line means nothing, but I beg to differ. Today the line was visible, not a squinter, but it didn’t come up right away, and it is way lighter than the control line. I just keep thinking about how dark the line was with LC. Like when I took that test, it popped up so fast and so dark I thought the test was broken; like I had somehow peed on a stick wrong. This time the test popped up the fastest on 11dpo in the afternoon.  I am so irritated. I feel like I know how this is going to end and it’s not how I want it to.  I am also irritated at the doctor’s office for taking so long to get me my results back. I went to a new OB to have my betas drawn because it was close to work. While I LOVE my old OB her office is so far away now that we moved. Unfortunately, the lack of response that I have gotten from this office solidifies that I will remain with my old OB regardless of the drive. I am just so angry with my body right now and I don’t know what to do, or where to go next.

I'm Pregnant Again!

I think I'm in complete shock that I am writing this still. Complete shock for so many reasons. First, i can't believe that after four years, 3 IUIs, and 2 IVFs, the three times I have gotten pregnant have been on my own. However, I am scared shitless because I have a bad feeling I am having another chemical pregnancy. For some reason this cycle I decided to test at 11 DPO. Why? I have no idea. I have no idea what I was thinking, and what do you know, the test was positive. So, knowing what happened in March, I called and got in to get my betas drawn right away. So they finally call me back today and let me know that my beta from Wednesday came back at 18. I am going in this afternoon to have it tested again. I KNEW I should not have tested early. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. With a first beta this low, and how my pregnancy test have been looking I am not expecting this to end well. I am so pissed at my body for doing this to me. I am also mad that I was able to get pregnant again and it looks like it isn't going to stick. Why let me get pregnant then!!??

I know that I am prematurely freaking out, but I am not stupid either. I know what happened with my successful pregnancy, and I know what happened with my chemical pregnancy. I am just terrified that this is going to be the outcome for every pregnancy I have going forward and that I will never get to have another child. I know that I had this fear before I had LW also, but now I feel like I really must have crappy eggs (which is what I felt before) and I will never give LW a sibling. I just don’t understand why I have to go through this. I also don’t understand why I’m getting pregnant so easily now either.