Merry Christmas

Today has been a wonderful day. My parents came into town Wednesday night and my sister, her husband and their daughter came in last night. Having them all here has been great. Today I spent the day cooking with my mom and sister and it was really nice to have a few minutes of "girl time". T said that we made quite the trio, prego (my sister (T), gimpy (me) and huffy (my mom). She said we all had our ailments but together we were a great team. This is the first time I have seen them in a while, and my niece has turned into quite the handful! She is a bundle of energy and is always moving. Not to mention that she is quite the drama queen. It's so cute!

Met with our RE today

We had our appointment with our RE today. Mr. P dropped me off then went to park. 15 minutes later he comes into the office. Apparently he got lost. WOW!! We actually didn't see Dr. R. today which shocked me because that is who we usually see and that is who I made the appointment with. I have seen Dr. T before, I just wasn't expecting to see him. Both Mr. P and I feel that he is a bit weird, but we also both agreed that he seemed pretty normal today. Well, I had a plan in my mind of what I wanted to happen when I went in to see Dr. R today. Obviously, my plan didn't start off well from the beginning as I didn't even see Dr. R. Dr. T looked over our chart and talked about our IUI's and the results of all of our work up test. He said that the only reason he could see that we weren't pregnant was due to the low morp, but he still didn't believe that the morp alone was poor enough to cause the problem.
He asked what we wanted to do and I told him that I really wanted to try one more IUI before we moved on and I explained why, because I'm afraid of IVF. He explained that he wasn't opposed to us doing another IUI, but told us that our chances would be about 15 - 20% with IUI, and 50% with IVF. He addressed all my concerns about IVF and went over the whole process. He answered all of our questions and then asked us again what we thought. This is where I about fainted. Mr. P, said that he felt that we should move on to IVF. I agreed. Dr. T, feeling that it is the most successful treatment also agreed, and that's where we are.
Our biggest obstacle now is making sure of the coverage that we have. I have spoken with our insurance and gotten approval for infertility treatment but I'm worried about the criteria we have to meet for IVF coverage. Our insurance wants us to do three IUI's before moving on to IVF and we have, we just did them with our old insurance. The insurance coordinator for their office is going to check into all of this and find out for us. I guess this could be a minor setback, but there is not point stressing over it now since we can't do anything about it.
We were going to start the BCP today, but our insurance said we needed to do CD3 BW so we have to wait till my next period starts. Surprisingly, Mr. P was a bit upset by this. I just don't understand how he can go from not feeling like we need help getting pregnant to feeling that we should not try IUI again and got to IVF so quickly. Really, I don't get it. So, this is our journey. I have told my sisters and my mom about what we are doing. I don't know how supportive they are, or what all I will tell them about our journey, but at least they know what I will be going through. I guess that's it for now.

Update

OMG I can't believe it is December already! Time has just been flying by. We really haven't had much change in our lives lately. We went to the Smokey Mountains for Thanksgiving with Mr.P's parents, his sister, her husband, and their son. We wented a cabin and to my surprise we had a great time. I actually caught a cold the Wednesday we left so I was sick the entire time and still had a pretty decent time. Saturday night we went to The Dixie Stampede at Dollywood to watch their Christmas special. It was a really neat experience and I am really glad that I went.
My leg is getting a lot better I started physical therapy the Wednesday we left for the Smokey Mountains also and I can almost put my left foot at a 90 degree angle. This morning I was able to put my foot down on the floor of the shower for the first time in two months. I still have to sit down to shower as I can't stand up yet, but to be able to put my foot down at all was a great feeling! It is at an angle, but at least it's progress.
Mr. P and I had a long talk about trying to conceive. We decided that we would go back to the RE if this cycle doesn't work. Since we switched insurance since the last time we were at the RE we had to get it preapproved again. I was really impressed at how quickly we got it approved, and a bit shocked also. When I called they really just asked me a few questions, and then said I was approved. I thought for sure they were going to make me submit some sort of proof but that wasn't the case.
I called yesterday to schedule our consultation to see where Dr. R wants us to start. When I initially called I talked to the nurse and she wanted to go over our chart with Dr. R before she scheduled our appointment. I have been excited to get back to treatment and nervous at the same time. Last year when we did our last IUI Dr. R mentioned that if this, our third IUI didn't work, we might need to move on to IVF. The nurse called me back and the first thing she asked was if I had ever talked with Dr. R about IVF. My heart sank. With our new insurance we have IVF coverage, but we are to try less costly methods first, which are IUI. I really thought that we were going to be instructed to do three more IUI's before IVF was even on the table. I asked her if we were going to do any IUI's and she told me that they only suggested 3-4 IUI's max prior to moving on to IVF, then she reminded me as if I had forgotten, that I had already done three failed IUI's. She said that I could try another one, but that Dr. R would talk to me about that. I scheduled our consult for Dec 17th which would be after I could start treatment for an IUI if this current cycle failed. I am such a sissy. I am so afraid that he is going to suggest that we move on to IVF, that I intentionally delayed our consultation.
I talked to Mr. P about it and to my complete shock he was okay with everything. I can't tell if it's because he is still holding out hope that we will get pregnant on our own, or if he is just okay with going forward. Personally I think after spending Thanksgiving with his nephew he is just really ready to start a family and is okay with whatever we have to do. Honestly, I was kinda hoping he didn't want to go to IVF yet because I'm scared, but I will just have to accept it. It's not that don't want to do IVF, I'm just scared.
I know you can't live on "what if's", but what if IVF doesn't work. That is really our last chance and I don't know what I would do. To go through all of that and still not have a baby would crush me to pieces. I can't even think about it. So I guess we are really about to start this journey again.

7 weeks ago today

7 Weeks ago today is when I tore my Achilles tendon. For the past seven weeks I have not slept more than 4 hours in a row, I have not carried a full glass on my own, I have not showered standing up, I have not done any physical activity, and I have not gone more than 3 days in a row without crying. I hate this. This weekend one of my friends back home got married. We had been planning on going to this wedding months before I got injured so we were not going to cancel. Unfortunately for me, that might not have been the best decision. 
First, going through the airport was hell. When we left our usually uncrowded airport was extremely crowded. Mr. P stood in line while I tried to go print off our boarding passes before joining him. Bad idea. I had my foot bumped 3 times within that five minute period. Once we finally got checked in, came security. Because I couldn't go through the scanning machine without my crutches, I had to get one of the new TSA pat-downs. I'm not a modest person, so this really didn't bother me, but I could easily see how some could be offended. They stick their hands down in your pants to feel along your waistband. What is the point of that? I told the female assist who did it that this was the most action I have gotten in a while. I would love to know what they can feel from that that they couldn't feel on the outside of my pants. Next came the jet way. Actually, on our first flight, the jet way didn't come. We were on one of those small ass plans that you have to go down the stairs of the building and then outside to get to. Try that on crutches. It sucks. I had to crutch down like 30 steps, then crutch up the inclined make-shift-ghetto ass (jet way). I was pissed. Not to mention that the plane was so small that I couldn't stretch my leg at all, or put it up at all. So, Mr. P graciously allowed me to put it across his legs. Our second flight was almost perfect, except that when we got to the airport for our layover, they would not bring us a wheelchair. Mr. P finally spotted them 20 yards away so he took it upon himself to go get it.
My parents actually picked us up from the airport. It was really nice to see them and get to spend the day with them. Unfortunately for me, I was so excited, that I over exerted myself and by the time we got to the wedding I was so tired and in so much pain, that we had to leave early.
We flew back today I am still in pain from yesterday. Lucky for me they did my "airport pat-down" while I was sitting in the wheelchair this morning because there is no way that I could have stood up that whole time.
Both flights today were horrible. I was just in so much pain the whole time I basically cried the entire way home. I told Mr. P like three times today that I wish I would have chosen to not have the surgery, and that if this ever happens again, I won't do the surgery.
 I never knew I would be in this much pain. I have read a few other Achilles tendon repair blogs and everyone talks about how mobile they are at what point, but hardly any of them talk about the pain. Well, I will tell you it hurts!! It hurts really bad. Obviously it doesn't hurt as bad as it did when the nerve block wore off, but nonetheless, it hurts! I have literally been in pain everyday for over a month. I hate it. I am sure that I am not a pleasure to be around. I don't even want to be around me right now. I can't sleep, I'm constantly in pain, I can't get comfortable, but yet I still want to be independent and have a "normal" life.
Due to all of this, I think we are going to have to put off any fertility treatments for a while. I don't know yet if I'm pissed or if I just feel defeated right now. Honestly, I am just in too much pain right now to focus on anything else. I know that my pain fluctuates, so tomorrow I could be feeling awesome, but I doubt it.

Good News (maybe)

So whem Mr. P came home for lunch today he was able to share some hopefully good news! Backstory first, Mr. P just graduated law school in May. He applied for and was accepted into the Active Duty Army JAG Corp, but he won't get commissioned into the corp until July of 2011. So right now he is still a Transportation Corp officer in the National Guard, and he works at a temp agency doing claims work. Last weekend he had drill and he was asking his training NCO about opportunities for him to get some full time work in since his claims job will end after Thanksgiving. His training NCO told him about three possibilities. 1. He could do another AT in December - his unit has some mission where they need addtional support so they have the option to work for 15 days full time. The problem is that with my current injury status, I am too dependent on Mr. P for him to leave me for three weeks as his unit is in another state.
2. Same as option 1, but it is in January. I should be more independent by then, but it would suck to lose Mr. P for three weeks.
3. He could go to his Captains Career Course Active Duty - this would be awesome! The course is only a short commute away so he could drive back and forth daily, and it's almost six months long! This would basically employ him until he started JAG! I would be so excited!

Well, when Mr. P came home from work, he told me that he talked to his training NCO and there are 7 slots open in the course. His NCO is going to call down to the school house today and see if he can enroll him. Please keep your fingers crossed for Mr. P! I know I would be so excited and he would too! Not to mention that since I just finished the course, I have all the materials that he would be needing so I could easily help him out with all of his classwork. I hope I don't jinx us by posting about it, but I'm just really excited. More to follow!!

Onto Another Cycle

Right on schedule my period started this morning. I am so heartbroken. I can't believe that after almost three years, we are still trying to make a baby. I wish I could say that every month it gets easier to deal with, but that is actually the opposite for me. I guess now I am more numb to it, but it isn't easier. This month I had spotting on CD 9 which I was sure was implatation bleeding and my hopes were up so much that I allowed Mr. P to talk me into testing early which I never do! So, on CD 11, and on CD 13 we tested. I wouldn't even look at the test. I just pee'd on the stick and handed it to Mr. P. A few minutes later he came back in to let me know what I hoped wasn't true, but already knew, I wasn't pregnant. Even with the warning that I had, my heart sank when I started the red flow today.

I am just so upset and I'm beginning to feel like this is never going to happen. As of right now we have decided that we are going to try one more cycle then go back to the IUI's but I don't know how I'm feeling about that right now. That would put us cycling in December right around Christmas. Since my whole family is coming here for Christmas, I don't know how I'll be able to handle both my emotions, the family, and a bfn if it didn't work. Not to mention that I'm still in the boot so I don't exactly know how my RE would feel about putting me in stirrups with that big ol boot on. I think waiting till January would be best for us. I just don't want to wait anymore. Goodness this is so frustrationg.

 Another determing factor in the equation is that we just switched insurance and I don't know what they will or won't cover yet since infertility coverage has to be approved. I also don't know how long it will take for our benefits to kick in, we enrolled last Friday but we still aren't showing up in their system today. I would love to be able to talk to their infertility coordinator to find out the answers to my questions about coverage but I can't even do that till we show up in their system. Ugh!!

This whole process has just been daunting (sp) on both Mr. P and I. We had all of our diagnostic testing done last year and we did our first three rounds of IUI last year. None of them worked and I know that I am unfairly taking out my frustrations about the failures on Mr. P and that I need to stop, but I continue to do it. I just get so frustrated because I feel that Mr. P and I aren't always on the same page about how we want to handle the next step in the process. Mr. P thinks that because it took his parents 7 years to get pregnant than we should just keep trying on our own and let it happen. I don't want to tell him that I think his mother is so stupid that she probably had no idea when she ovulated and that six and half years of the seven she was probably having sex when she wasn't even fertile. But, that is a whole different topic. He also feels that we are jumping the gun doing treatments and that we should continue to try on our own. Here are my two problems with that:

1. We have had a Semen Analysis done, it showed a morph of 2% and our RE doesn't even feel that IUI's are the best way for us to conceive. If we do them again it will be because they are either required by our insurance, or because our insurance denied our IF treatment and we want a lower cost option before going directly to IVF.
2. In six months, Mr. P is leaving to go into the Army. After that, who knows what our lives are going to hold. He will be gone for six months right off the bat for school, and then we have no idea where he is going to be stationed, if or when he will deploy, what our insurance options will be when we move. We know nothing.

Mr. P has agreed to treatment but I don't feel that his heart is completely in it. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, and there rises our constant points of contention. I really think and hope that once we meet with our RE again and have our consultation before starting treatments again that Mr. P will understand our chances of conceiving on our own. Once we meet with our RE again and he goes over our options, then I think we will be able to better make a decision that is best for us.

Should I Tell Him?

I haven't blogged much lately, not because I have forgotten, but mostly because I don't have much going on. Other than going back to work on Thursday, my life has consisted pretty much of sitting down with my leg propped up. Today, just like every day for the past month, I am sitting here, with my leg up. Only today I decided that I would sit in the kitchen all day so I could at least have a change of scenery. After Mr. P gets me situated, he tells me that he is going to spend the day cleaning. Why would I oppose to that? Only thing, our cleaning service is scheduled to be here on Thursday. Should I tell him? Probably not!

Sexy Time isn't so Sexy

Mr. P and I are trying to get me pregnant, and we have been in the kitchen a long time trying to make this dough. We started almost three years ago and in that time I have tried all sorts of home remedies like eating pineapple core, drinking green tea, taking mucinex, I could go on. This time last year, we were even going through intrauterine inseminations to try to conceive (TTC). Well none of that has worked. So, right now we are back to trying it the good ole' fashioned way until we either succeed on making that bun, or figure out what direction we want to take next. So,  one of the methods that we use to track my cycle is the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM), and I occasionally chart on Fertility Friend. Sunday night I had a feeling that I was getting close to ovulating so I told Mr. P that we would have to figure something out for this week. Well as I hobbled to the bathroom today I decided that I would try the monitor to see where I am in my cycle. What do you know, I got a peak. So this tonight will be "sexy time" however instead of wearing this....


I will be wearing this.....


Sexy time isn't going to be so sexy.

When you marry him, you marry his family...

So I know that we have all heard this before, but that doesn't necessarilly mean that we actually paid attention to it prior to getting married. Or, maybe you were like me in that you never really got the chance to met your SO family prior to getting married. Because I can guarantee that had I spent enough time around Mr. P's sister before we got married that he might have grown to dislike me due to my constant shit talking about her. In fact, it's not just her, it's kinda his own family. I understand how crappy I sound right now, but I honestly feel like I have good reason not to like them! It's not even something like I can't get along with his family, we get along great. I just don't like the way they treat my SIL like she is the best thing since sliced bread, and yet Mr. P is just there. The problem with that, Mr. P is by far the best thing since sliced bread in that family, and I'm not even just saying that because I'm married to him. I would love to go into detail after detail of what my SIL does that makes her such a douche, but I know that she will give me plenty of oppurtunity as I continue to blog so I will just talk about the instance that is behind this whole post.
I tore my achilles about two weeks ago and just had surgery last week. As much as I hate to admit it, this is a pretty bad injury that is going to require a lot of rehab, physical therapy, and resting with my leg up. Mr. P's family knows this. Mr. P's birthday is at the end of the month. We were supposed to be going home to my parents house at the end of the month, but due to my injury there is no way that I would make in on an airplane that far that soon. That trip was cancelled. So, SIL decided that she wants everyone to come to her house that weekend and really wants Mr. P and myself to come. SIL lives four hours away.
Here are the things that bother me. SIL and her husband have been to our house two times EVER!! Mr. P's parents, three times. We always drive there. Untill last year, we lived 14 hours away. We still drove there three times a year at least, and flew in at least 3 times a year as well. We have invited them down numerous times since we have been closer, and we have way more space at our house than they do. We have turned down one invitation to their house ever. ONE!
Don't you think that under the circumstance of me being injured and it being the weekend of Mr. P's birthday that they could make the four hour trek here? Is that so unreasonable? In my opinion it is completely selfish of his sister. She won't come. It's more "convenient" for her to have us come there. Wow, that is all I can say, is wow. Mr. P, as nice as he is, is feeling guilty that we can't/aren't going up there. I just think it's pretty rude of her to not consider anyone else but herself and her family in this. If it was even close to even on how many times we travel to each others houses, I could see. But on this trip, I'm putting my good foot down.

Overly Exposed

That is the only way I can even describe how I fee right now. Overly Exposed. Today is the third day after my operation and I am still relying heavily on Mr. P. He is doing almost everything for me. I can feed myself and take myself to the bathroom, and that is about it. He is fixing my meals, he is giving me baths, he is getting my medications for me, and he is running my errands for me. I can't really say that it bothers me that I have to rely on Mr. P, but I can say that it bothers me to be so exposed. As dumb as this may sound, I feel like a boundary has been crossed in what Mr. P is supposed to see and know about me. While I may be taking myself to the bathroom now, two days ago I wasn't. Mr. P has now been exposed to that. To make matters worse, quess which lovely relative is in town? That's right, Aunt Flo!
I know this is stupid because I am married to him and your husband will see you these ways throughout your marriage, but I never anticipated that would happen before I was giving birth to our child. I feel stupid even thinking it, but this is not how I want my husband to see me. In fact, I can't even imagine how he can look at me in a sexual way again after what he has been exposed to this week.

In Sickness and in Health

I have to say that I think this is one part of our vows that I think Mr. P is hating right now, because I am in a way sick. No, I'm not terminal nor do I have any type of disease I am just not healthy and am having to depend on Mr. P for a lot of things right now.
Two Sundays ago while I was playing volleyball with my adult league team, I tore my achilles tendon. Since then I have had to depend on Mr. P to do a lot for me. Well, more than a lot, damn near everything. I have been confined to my bed and am really only supposed to get up if I have to go to the bathroom. He brings me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He runs my bath, washes my back and my hair, he helps me get dressed, and he even helps me to the bathroom. Well yesterday I had surgery to repair my torn tendon. Needless to say I was groggy, uncomfortable, and extremely bitchy. When we got home for some reason I flipped out. I really could not tell you why. I will never admit that to Mr. P he can ready the blog and see it, but I'm not going to say it to him, but we got in a nice argument about it. I felt as though he should just ignore my complaints because I'm injured. I tore my damn achilles tendon. I will be in a freaking cast for at least another week, and I will be in a walking cast/boot for two months, then I will start physical therapy for however long that takes. Damn, he could be understanding. He thinks that I need to get over myself and look at everything he has done and is doing for me. Well, maybe he's right but I'm hurt. I need sympathy and someone taking care of me, and feeling sorry for me, and dealing with my bitchyness!

About Us

I am A and I am married to Mr. P - I would love to say that Mr. P is for Mr. Perfect, but lets get real, his first name starts with a P.  Mr. P and I met six years ago when we were in the Army's Transportation Officer Basic Course in Fort Eustis, Virginia. I like to think that we are pretty lucky beceause Mr. P was in the National Guard at the time and I was on Active Duty. This is one of the only schools that the Army has where it mixes the Reserves, National Guardsmen, and Active Duty personnel together.
I would love to say that when I met Mr. P it was love at first sight for both of us and we started dating right then and there and have never been apart since, but that would be a lie. When I first laid eyes on him I thought he was gorgeous and I made up my mind that he was going to be my conquest. In other words, I turned getting him into a game that was going to win. Unfortunately for me I was in a realationship at the time, and so was he. I knew this, because I'm a nosey bitch, and I asked him.
I happened to be names "squad leader" and Mr. P was in my squad. So I went around asking all my squad members about themselves so that I could get to know them. Not that I really cared about anyone except Mr. P, but I couldn't be that obvious. So, I learned that he had a girlfriend - who I pictured in my mind to be a petite, cute, burnette - and that he was going to spend the weekend with his sister and her new husband. I also learned that he was from West Virginia.
Now, I'm from Kansas, so I am very aware of the false sterotypes that exist. That doesn't mean that I don't believe other sterotypes that are out there about other states. All I knew and believed at that time about West Viginia is that the people there were racist. So, when Mr. P said that he was from West Virginia, I decided that as hot as he was, and as much of a conquest I had already determined he would be, his cute, petite, burnette could keep him.
Well over the rest of our 6 month course I never really talked to Mr. P that much. I became friends with two of his good friends and I would hang out with them, and he would just be there. Kind of like the third wheel, but there were four of us, and I was the only girl. I never really talked to him though in fact, I actually wondered if he did talk because he was always so damn quiet. Well one night we all went out and Mr. P was buying me drinks all night. About halfway through the night I got sick of the guys running interference anytime a guy would come talk to me so I decided that I was going to walk home. Mr. P offered to walk me home and when he did he told me that if my boyfriend and I ever broke up he would love to take me out. The next day I dumped my boyfriend and Mr. P and I started hanging out. And that is where it all begins.