I Love You

Yesterday LC said “I love you” to me. I had waited 17 months and 9 days to hear those words. I do not care that he repeats almost anything you say to him and that he was just likely repeating me, and therefore had no idea what he said. He absolutely melts my heart.

Sippy Cup Randomness

Because we are first time parents and because neither of us had really been around children I don’t think we realize how lucky we are when it comes to our little man. LC never really had an addiction to a pacifier. We (more me) decided at 6 months that he was done with the pacifier. I knew that when he moved up to the bigger baby classroom at his daycare he wouldn’t be allowed to have it, so I told them to just not give it to him starting at 6 months. He never really took to anyway, so that was not a hard thing for him to give up. Honestly, the reaction to him giving up the pacifier was my biggest fear in even giving him a pacifier to begin with, because I HATE seeing older toddlers who are still attached to their “binkies”.

When he turned one, I wanted him off the bottle. Unfortunately for me, his daycare at the time wouldn’t server breast milk in a sippy cup, so he had to keep taking a bottle at daycare. But, he only got it at daycare and only for his milk. Any other time, and all other liquids were given in a sippy cup. He never refused to take a sippy cup. In fact the only problem we had with sippy cups was that the liquid would come out too fast and it would choke him. As soon as we switched to his current school at 13 months, the bottle was gone!

When I weaned him and switched him to rice milk, he was fine. I didn’t even mix the rice milk with my breast milk, I just gave him a cup of rice milk. No issues! I didn’t realized until today that there are some babies who will refuse to drink certain liquids out of their sippy cups, or that they will only take milk out a certain type of sippy cup. I knew we had gotten lucky with the pacifier, and the bottle, but I didn’t realize how laid back of child we must really have.

While I am talking about sippy cups, I have to rave about the Tommy Tippee. I had heard parents rave about Tommy Tippee from the time LC was born. They would go on and on about how great these bottles were and how that was all their little one would take. I thought they were overrated and overpriced. While I hated washing all the parts of the Dr. Brown bottles, that is all I would use.

Since we have moved to the sippy cup, I have realized that spill proof doesn’t really mean spill proof. Up until this past weekend we had three types of sippy cup. Dr. Browns soft spout, and two different Nuks. I really liked the Dr. Brown sippy, but I felt that LC was ready to move on to something for an older toddler than the soft spout. The Nuk with the straw was okay but it sometimes leaked. The other Nuk, I don’t know what it’s called, but it became a daycare only cup for water. I refused to put breast milk in it because I knew the cup would leak and I wasn’t wasting my liquid gold.

Finally this past weekend I decided that we needed some new sippy cups. I gave into the hype and bought two Tommy Tippee truly spill proof drink cups, and I love them! They really are spill proof. It’s amazing! My only gripe is that I didn’t jump on the band wagon sooner.

CD 11 - First Monitoring Appt

I had my monitoring appointment this morning and all seems to be going well. Today is CD 11 for me and this morning at my appointment I had three good size follies, one at 16mm and two at 17mm. Dr. S said that if my E2 comes back good, then I will trigger tomorrow. I am super excited about this. I don’t know why, but I’m really optimistic about this cycle. I just have a really good feeling about this.

When I did my IUIs in the past, I never felt really good about them. I did three with this same practice before, but I never felt like they were timed right. My first one was the only one I felt was timed right. I did the clomid, then the follistim, triggered, and then had my IUIs the two following days. The second IUI cycle they triggered me on CD 13, and I O’d on CD 14. I’m pretty sure that I O’d on my own and then I had the inseminations on CD 14, and 15. I didn’t think that was timed very well. Our 3^rd IUI cycle, I O’d the day of trigger and they only did one insemination the day after. I’m sure it was pointless at that point.

I just never got a good feeling in any of my previous cycles like I have now.  Plus, we were always using frozen sperm because they believed Mr. P had a low count. His count was low when it was last tested, but it’s not abnormally low and it obviously works because we have fertilized four eggs on our own.

With My Sister it Always Just Gets Better and Better

In a funny turn of events, my sister S called me last night. She was calling to apologize to me because she didn’t realize how much she had hurt me when I was pregnant. She said something about how she sees things differently now because she is going through the same thing. I guess she isn’t getting called as much as she thinks she should be by her friends or my other sisters and me. Well…. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that she’s a selfish bitch. Just because you are now pregnant and your life is good, doesn’t erase all the bad things that you did.

This is where it actually gets even funnier, so I admitted that it really did hurt and I told her how I felt like she never acknowledged my son. Her response…. We’ve talked about that before so she doesn’t understand how I feel like that. REALLY??? Aren’t you going through the same thing? Didn’t you just tell me that your friend isn’t all excited and asking questions about your pregnancy and yet you don’t understand why I feel that way? Well here’s a clue dumbass…during this conversation, you have YET to ask me about my son. In fact, she didn’t ask about him during the conversation at all.

I feel like the point of her call was a passive aggressive attempt to get me to call and be all excited for her pregnancy. Look, I’m happy for her and her life, but when you don’t give two shits about my life, why the fuck do I need to be your cheerleader?

The funniest thing about this whole conversation though, is that S didn’t even come to this “realization” about how much she had hurt me until my sister T pointed it out to her. S was actually complaining to T about this first and T kindly reminded her that she had done the same thing to me. S is so damn self-absorbed!

On a brighter note: I started my follistim today!! I have my ultrasound on Monday and I'm hoping for some great growing follies!!

My FSH Meds Came Today

I am pretty excited about this because now everything is set to go. My REs office got everything taken care of in regards to my insurance on Tuesday, and then yesterday I got a call from the pharmacy to say that they got everything from the docs office, got my insurance stuff squared away, and they were ready to place the order.

This is the part where I almost shit a brick, she tells me how much my insurance covered and then gave me my remaining balance….$39! I about died! I cannot believe that my insurance covered the cost of the injectable meds. I thought I had remembered that Tri.care would cover the cost for TI cycles, and I was praying it was true, and I guess it actually is! I am over the moon with joy about this.

Today, my meds arrive because the pharmacy overnights them, and I open the box, and I don’t have enough FSH! Dr. S had told me that I would be on 150 units of the Follistim for 4 days. I only got a 300 unit pen. So, I had to call the office and ask what was going on. Dr. S explained that he had told me 150, but decided to do 100 instead, but that the nurse was confused and ordered the wrong amount anyway. So, long story short they had to order me more meds.

I asked Dr. S if he was sure that I didn’t need the 150 and he said yes. He said the is hoping that I get 2-3 mature follicles based on my age. When we did the IUIs back in 2009 we only had 1-2 mature per cycle. So the increase in Follistim from 75 (back in 2009) to 100 now he believes will do the trick. Then he said sometimes the first stim cycle is kinda like a guessing game. I had to let him know that I only planned on doing this once!

 I actually feel better about doing a TI cycle than I ever did about doing an IUI. I know that’s weird, but it’s true. Even with the small hiccups with this cycle I am still feeling really good about it. I don’t know if it’s that I am more relaxed this time around, that I like how Dr. S has handled most things so far, or what, but I feel better. With my IUIs I felt that they were poorly timed. I didn’t like doing them the day of and the day after O. I always wanted them done the day before and the day of. I think doing the TI makes me feel better because I kinda feel like we have a little bit of control. Who knows. All I know is that I’m hopeful that this is going to work out this month!

So, the rest of my meds should arrive tomorrow and then I have my first US on Monday.

After 17 months of EBF

After 17 months of being EBF, I am now done nursing my little man. We had our last nursing session Sunday night and this morning he finished off the rest of my freezer stash. Right around when LC turned one I stopped pumping at work. Honestly I hated doing it, and I had a pretty good freezer stash going anyway. Once he started sleeping through the night around 13 months, that is when we went down to two nursing sessions a day, morning and night, and I supplemented with my freezer stash. About three weeks ago I decided it was time to cut out the morning session and introduce cows milk.

Cutting out the morning session went fine, but introducing the cows milk did not. We noticed blood in his poop again so we had to eliminate obvious dairy for him.  I am glad that I was able to nurse him so long, but also sad that we are done. To me this was the last bridge for him to cross from being my little baby to being my toddler. I thought it was going to be hard on him, but he doesn’t seem to care less. He has taken to the rice milk and  appears to have forgotten all about mama’s milk.

I also feel somewhat guilty that I am weaning him now because part of the reason is that I am going to be on a mediated cycle this month to TTC#2. I know that 17months is a long time, but I really wanted to go 18months. But, at the same time, I always felt like breastfeeding had a part to play in my miscarriages. Like my body was drained enough trying to support LC, and I and it couldn’t sustain a pregnancy also. I don’t know, my ob/gyn says that the two aren’t related but I wonder if that’s true or not in my case.

I am just so hopeful for this cycle. I truly feel in my heart that this cycle is going to be it. I feel like I’m finally going to get my 2^nd baby.

Good to Go

Dr. S’s nurse just called back and I am at least good to start my clomid today! I am supposed to start my FSH on CD 9 and then come in for a check on CD 10 or 11. I don’t know if everything will be good to go to start the FSH on time, but for today, all systems are a go!

Now I Wait

I had somehow forgotten all the waiting around that is involved with fertility treatment cycles. Friday when I went in Dr. S did my ultrasound and said that I had an AFC (antri-follicle count – I think) of 13 on my left and 18 on my right. I think he counted a few on the right twice, so I really think that number is closer to 13 also, but what do I know. I got my script for clomid, and I’m ready to go… or so I thought. Because of the CP I had I had to get my betas checked to ensure that the pregnancy hormone was out of my system. Well, my beta came back at a 10. Today I had to get it checked again to see if it is below 5 or not. So, at lunch I went to the ghetto lab by my office and got my blood drawn. Now I wait…. I wait for a phone call to let me know if I am able to start my meds tonight or if I have to wait until tomorrow. I guess I should have checked this, but I also don’t know what my insurance coverage is. I am pretty sure that Aetna will cover some part of my treatment cycle and Tri.care will pick up the rest. This is what I am hoping. If I remember correctly Tri.care will cover some costs associated with a TI cycle so that is why I am choosing to go this route.

My REs office just called…. I now understand how why women are so stressed out during the middle of a cycle. On Friday I was told if the beta came back negative today start the meds. The nurse just calls, tells me its negative, and then to call back when I was ready to start treatment. Umm, WTF! I didn’t just do a treatment cycle. Wouldn’t that be in my chart? Now I’m beginning to stress out and wonder if I’m going to be able to cycle this month, or if I’m going to be pushed out another month. This irritates me.  

RE appointment Today

So I had my first appointment with the RE in over two years today. It was strange. As I was getting off of the elevator about to walk into their office, I was telling myself that the last time I was in that office I had gotten great news and I wanted to leave their office for the last time with good news again, on the same high note.

So my appointment today was with Dr. S. He is from Duke and is new to the practice. Dr. R retired sometime last year and Dr. S is the new partner. He has the most amazing bedside manner and is very thorough. We went over my history and he went over in detail, the results of my RPL panel. Unfortunately for me my RPL panel all came back within normal limits, so there wasn't anything that we could or really would change due to the results of the RPL.

He discussed what other tests he would like to run such as a thyroid antibody test and another test - the name I can't remember - which would test to see if my body reacts to gluten. Honestly I didn't see the reason to run either of those test. The thyroid test he said would just be information because there wouldn't be a protocol change and the other test I can just go gluten free now as that would be change if that result came back positive.

The reason I wanted to go to see the RE was because I wanted to know where to go next. What options did we have. Mr. P and I had discussed trying on our own for two more months and then going back for a FET if we weren't successful. That was until we had another CP. After this pregnancy ended also, we needed to increase our chances of being successful on our own.

I wanted to try up to two medicated timed intercourse cycles prior to doing a FET, and Dr. S agreed. He did say that we could start right away since I started bleeding this morning. He did an ultrasound to ensure I was cyst free and then said we could start the cycle....

and then ....

he remembered that I had a CP this cycle, so he said that I needed to have my blood work done to ensure my betas dropped before we could start. I really didn't think I was going to end up getting my betas this cycle, but I guess I did. My beta came back at a 10 and I can't start any meds until it is less than 5. So, I have to have it drawn Monday to see if it has dropped. I am hoping that the lab by my house can get their shit together and get the test done and sent to Dr. S on Monday. I doubt it though. That lab is so fucked up. So, I likely won't be able to start anything until Tuesday. Part of me just wants to drive up to the REs office Monday and get the labs done up by their office, but I don't know
if I can do that.

My Sister

My Sister

~~DISCLAIMER~~

This post if really just a vent:

 My sister was fucking bitch to me from the moment she found out I was pregnant until last Sunday when she told me she was pregnant. My son is 16 month and 4 weeks old.  

1.       She never said congratulations, she instead bitched about the way I told her I was pregnant. Mr. P announced it when we were BOTH sitting side by side (he and I) on skype. She felt it should have come out of my mouth.

2.       Oh, and it wasn’t right of me to wait until I was 13 weeks to tell her.

3.       When I called to tell her I was having a boy (first in our family) her response “I know, dad already told me”.  Again, not congrats, not I’m happy for you, NOTHING.

4.       Anytime I talked to her when I was pregnant, she NEVER asked me how I was doing, or how the pregnancy was –

5.       She did fly in to come to by baby shower  - which was weird – but she never gave me my gift. She didn’t bring it to the baby shower, and instead left in the baby’s closet and I FOUND it after she left. She never told me she got it for me.

6.       Once LC arrived, she didn’t call me for a few months, and when she would call she wouldn’t ask about him.

During this process, I started to appease her, and I wouldn’t bring up my pregnancy when I talked to her, and I never really brought up LC on the phone after he was born. Occasionally she would mention him, but I never did it first. Starting about January, I started to send out a lot of text pics of LC to my sisters and mom. One day I got a text from her stating something to the effect of why was it that  every time she text me I wouldn’t acknowledge what she said, but I would instead reply with a pic of my kid.

I almost fainted when I read that. I only sent pics of LC out in group messages, and I would never send them as a response. Just if I took a pic, I would send it. ANYTIME she sent out a group message or sent me an individual message, I would and do respond if a response appears warranted. In fact in the prior week, I could (and at the time did) look back at my phone and see two LENGTHY conversations between the two of us. One just her and I about her TTC process, and the other was a group message (that I was the only one responding to) about how she was dying from a cold.

So, now that she is pregnant, I guess everything is kosher. She has sent out three text messages today alone about her pregnancy. I am fine with her being pregnant. I am happy for her because I know how badly she wanted this. That is not my problem. My problem is that when she really hurt me when I was pregnant. She knew how hard we had tried and all that we had done (the IUIs and IVFs). She treated my son as if he didn’t exist and for me, the straw that broke the camel’s back was the text she sent me in January.

After that, I basically stopped talking to her. I had no room in my life for someone who couldn’t acknowledge my son. He had done nothing to her and I determined it to be her loss. Now that she is pregnant and she knows about our two losses, I don’t want her to think that I’m distant because I’m jealous because I’m not jealous of her, or her situation. The reality is, that our relationship just isn’t magically fixed because YOU got pregnant. She REALLY hurt me. I tried to explain this to her when I was pregnant, and she just didn’t get it. I started to let it go then, but I was done after January. I don’t feel bad because I have thought about this long and hard. I have decided that if we weren’t sisters, this is not someone I would choose to have in my life.

She has been trying to have a baby for years. She tried for a long time with her last boyfriend, and she had been trying with her husband for over a year – as I said, I am not jealous of her or her situation. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, you would think she would have been over the moon with joy and excitement. Instead she bitched for 90% of the time we were on the phone about any and everything. Really, what the fuck are you complaining about!? Be happy. Be happy that you have what you have desired for so long. Who the fuck cares that your FIL told the family, who cares that there are people in your work parking lot sunbathing, who cares that your MIL got out a bassinet? YOUR PREGNANT after YEARS of trying! She is just such a negative person and I don’t want to be around that.

We grew up in a very negative house, and I have a tendency to be negative also. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want LC to grow up looking at the glass as half empty. I don’t want him to think that his mother is a negative nancy.

So, my vent is basically over. My only problem now is that I don’t know how to move forward with her. I don’t want her to think that I’m avoiding her or talking to her because she’s pregnant and I’m not. In fact, if she would take the time to look back at phone records, she would see that we haven’t talked/texted very often since January and that nothing has changed. I just know that she is not going to see it that way. She is selfish and she is going to see it as I’m mad because she has what I don’t.

For me that is NOT the case. Two of my other sisters have also become pregnant and had babies during my struggles to have my first. I was for them, and I am for her, truly excited. I have never once acted funny towards them because they were pregnant and I wasn’t. Before I found out T was pregnant I did jokingly say to U that T shoudn’t be selfish and have another one when I needed one, but I was kidding.

Last part of my vent.

When S – the sister this is about, told me she was pregnant she said that I was the last to find out because someone had told her about my MC and that they didn’t think I would take the news well. When she told my mom that, my mom told her (according to her) that she didn’t think it would bother me. My mom was right. What happens in someone else’s UTE does NOT affect what happens in mine. I am smart enough to know that. However, when I told U I was pregnant, U told me that her first thought was that she didn’t think S would take it well.

This furthers my belief that S acted the way she did when I was pregnant because she was jealous, and that is why everything is okay now, because she is having her baby. Unfortunately, the damage is done, and everything is not okay.

Next Step

I decided yesterday that it was time to go back to the RE. I have always said thought that we would try for one year and if we didn’t conceive on our own, then we would go back for them. I always knew that I didn’t want to leave VA without transferring my embryos, but I never thought we would be moving before our year of TTC#2 was up. Well, Mr. P got notified that he is going to come down on orders in December/January timeframe, so we are moving.
With what is going on now, we have decided that we will try on our own for two more cycles and then go back to get our embies. I am hoping that we can do a medicated TI cycle for both of those two cycles in hopes of maybe increasing the number and quality of eggs that I release.  I know that many people would rather choose to use their frozen embies first but that is not what I want to do. The IVF coordinator for my RE told me yesterday that if we choose that course of action that she has never had anyone choose to do that before.

I can understand that, but I am just so hesitant to do a FET first for so many reasons:

1.       IVF didn’t work for us

2.       We seem to be getting pregnant on our own so MAYBE timed intercourse will work

3.       Our insurance will cover a timed intercourse cycle

4.       We are OOP for the FET and I will be without a job once we move

5.       IVF didn’t work for us!

I am so scared, but I am really hopeful about this for some reason. I feel like going to the RE and doing another physical will ensure my parts are working, and I feel like the medicated cycle will help produce better quality eggs. I am confident that this will work. IT HAS TO!! I am truly putting all my faith into being in a successful pregnancy when we leave VA.

I Think It's Happening Again

I am pretty sure, but not 100% sure, that I am having another chemical pregnancy. I don’t even know what to think at this point. Generally I have a rule that I will not test until 17DPO. However, in May, I decided to test at 11DPO. I got a positive and while it was a chemical pregnancy, at 17DPO I still hadn’t started bleeding yet so I decided that testing early didn’t matter. If it wasn’t going to work out, I still would have found out. So, last month I decided in order to save me from spending another $60 on FRER pregnancy test my next cycle, I would test with Wondfo pregnancy test strips. So, I bought 50 and got ready.

I am ashamed to admit it, but this cycle I started testing at 7DPO. I don’t know why, but I did. I got my first positive at 11DPO so I then busted out my one and only FRER to confirm. The line on the FRER was so light, you literally had to hold the test in a certain light and turn the test to see the line. I have NERVER seen a line so light on a test before. When Mr. P got home I asked him to look at the test and he couldn’t see the line until I pointed it out to him. He told me it was negative because the line wasn’t really there.

At 12 DPO I took a few more Wondos (5) and dipped them all using the same sample. Well, some had clear faint lines and some had squinter faint lines, but they were all positive. At that point I decided that I wasn’t testing anymore. I gave Mr. P the remaining test and said “hide these from me”!

So, last night I decided that it was time to test again. I got Mr. P to relinquish one Wondfo and the test was so light that I told him it was negative, followed by a full on ugly cry. At that point we decided that we would try two more cycles and then go back for our frozen embies.

Fast forward to this morning. I fish the test out of the trash and now dry, the line is still there, but still really light. I show Mr. P and tell him that I think it’s happening again. He tells me that that line is just there to show you where the line is supposed to be. I want to punch him. I don’t know what to do. We decide that we will test again in the morning and call my doctor if it is positive. I know what’s going to happen in the AM. I am going to take a test, it is going to be positive, and the line is going to be ridiculously light, and I am going to know for sure what I already know.

I don’t understand this. I don’t get this, I don’t know what I did wrong, I don’t know what to do moving forward, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel. I am so fucking confused. How the hell do I go from not being able to get pregnant, to being able to get pregnant every cycle I have tried this year, but not stay pregnant. I don’t get it. I know what my doctor is going to say. She is going to tell me to go back to the RE. I don’t know how I feel about that. We NEVER had success there. I am scared that we are going to spend all this money, and come out empty handed again. I don’t know what to do.

To add to this shitpile, we found out we are Mr. P is getting reassigned to Kansas. I am excited about the move, but it leaves us with a few problems. First, that I won’t have a job out there. Second, I won’t have insurance coverage for fertility treatment out there. Third, the closest fertility doctors are 2 hours away, and finally, without a job, paying for treatment is going to be hard.

I hate my body right now for this.

Oh, and my RPL results all came back normal.