Trying to Stay Positive

I am having the hardest time in the world trying to stay positive right now. I want this baby so bad, and I just can't imagine facing another loss. But it is so hard. With each passing day I feel less and less pregnant than I felt the day before. Small things which I don't count as symptoms, but were definitely different, are now gone.

Like I'm no longer tired. I haven't wanted to be up past 8 pm in the past two weeks, and tonight I'm fine. I feel like I could be up all night. Wednesday of this week I felt like shit. I was convinced that my morning sickness was about to start, yesterday I felt better and today I feel great! I would tire easily when I tried to walk up the stairs, but now, I'm fine. Nipple soreness, again, so slight that I literally have to pinch my nipples so many times before I feel any discomfort. In fact, I'm sure the nipple soreness I feel now, is from me pinching my own nipples.

I am just so fucking terrified. I know that my beta doubling times have not been awesome. I have looked at too many online and seen the outcome of people with slower betas. Which, I don't understand. The vast majority of women online with betas taking longer than 48 hours to double, but still in the 48-72 hour range, suffered losses. What I don't understand is, if this isn't a coincidence, than how are the slower doubling times considered normal?

Its kinda a huge blow to me to see this. At my ultrasound on Monday I was measuring behind three days. That coupled with my betas has me scared shitless. Throw in my lack of feeling pregnant and I'm a fucking basket case. I am terrified of my ultrasound on Monday. I know that I have to go, but I'm so afraid that we are going to get there and not see what we are supposed to see.

I so wish that I was one of those naive women who could just get knocked up and  not have a worry in the world. IF and my losses have fucked me for life. I wish that I could be happy and excited right now and instead I am crying and wondering if LC will be my only child.

Symptomless

I have mentioned it before, but because it is concerning me so much I’m mentioning it again. I have zero pregnancy symptoms and it is freaking me out. The two things that I am counting as my symptoms are headaches and sore nipples, and both of which can be attributed to the Crinone. What is scaring me more than my lack of symptoms is that the two that I am trying to make myself believe I have, are so infrequent that I’m convinced they have disappeared altogether.

I have not really had a headache for the past two days, and my nipples have been pinched so many times today in hopes that they will feel sore, that I’m surprised I haven’t made them sore. I wish my brain wasn’t in the mode it’s in, but I’m completely freaked out about having another loss. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I am afraid that we are going to go to our U/S appointment and not see heartbeat. I’m worried that I’m going to have a blighted ovum; I’m worried about anything and everything. I am so mad at myself for not just relaxing and just enjoying this pregnancy. But it is hard!!!

Today I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful.

I’m also terrified.  

Yay for Medication Coverage

For once I love my secondary insurance. I just got my Summary of Prescriptions Filled for the month of August, and they saved me $1498.47!! Out of $1556.64 for the month of August I only had to pay $58.17! That is awesome! In fact my secondary insurance picked up more than my primary insurance did. This is mostly due to the fact that we did an “induced ovulation” cycle and not an IUI cycle. Our secondary insurance covers the cost of medication for “induced ovulation” so we only paid $17 for each of our two 300iu pens of Follistim. I am beyond excited especially about that since we paid over $4,000 for all of the medication for ONE IVF cycle.

My Betas So far this cycle

13 DPO = 79

15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44

19 DPO = 788 D.T = 39.95 hours

22 PO = 2031 D.T = 52.71 hours

22 DPO

Dr. S just called. My 4^th and final beta came in at 2031, up from 788 on Tuesday (19 DPO) with a DT of 52.71 hours.  I don’t know how I feel about this. Honestly, I don’t feel great considering that Dr. S said that he would have liked to have seen my numbers at around 2300. Now he wants me to come in for an U/S on Monday. If anyone actually reads my blog and can spare any T&Ps for my U/S and for this little bean to continue to grow I would appreciate it.

LCs pictures didn’t go so well yesterday. In fact, I am really pissed that I paid almost as much for these pictures (the entire series) as some people do for their wedding pictures, and none of these sessions have gone well. LC NEVER wants to smile and has NEVER cooperated. His newborn session went fine until the end when he just decided he was done. The only shot I really wanted, one of our rings on his little feet, we never got. At this 3 month session he just wouldn’t smile. He would just have blank stares on his face the whole time. At 6 & 9 months, he wouldn’t sit by himself. He would only smile if me or Mr. P was holding him, and he would only smile at us, never the camera.

My biggest fear going into yesterday was that he wasn’t going to want to sit and take any picture because he would just want to play. And that’s exactly what happened.  I think we got like three shots of him sitting and smiling. At one point I really just wanted to ask her to start shooting more lifestyle poses than posed photos, but I honestly just got to a point where I didn’t care and just wanted to be done.

Symptoms – or lack thereof

The hardest part of this pregnancy in relation to my three chemical pregnancies is that I have had absolutely no symptoms. With the last three CPs I felt different and I knew I was pregnant so I wanted to test. This time, I felt nothing, I just wanted to test. At 16 DPO this time, my nipples did become sore, but that’s been it. They aren’t even really that sore. In fact the most sore they have been was on Tuesday morning. Today, they aren’t sore at all unless I pinch the crap out of them. So, I am now kicking myself for not having my beta done today. I am also now spotting.

I called the REs office and spoke with V. She said that spotting is common with the Crinone, but then I asked her if I could have a blood test done tomorrow. So now I have a beta scheduled for tomorrow morning. I wish I wouldn’t have chickened out of having it done today, but I did. Luckily I will be extremely distracted after I leave work today until I get the results of the beta tomorrow. LC has his 18 month photos this evening, and tomorrow morning is his 18 month check-up. By the time I get done with his appointment, get him back in “school” (shitty daycare), then they should be calling with my results.

A part of me feels like I’m worrying about nothing, and that everything is going to be fine. I have had normal betas so far that have doubled in the time frame and I haven’t started bleeding. My betas are way higher now than they have ever been with my CPs. Then, there is the other side of me which reminds me of how confident I was back in March when I went in to see my OB for the side pain and found out I was getting an ultrasound. I was so excited to find out there was nothing in my uterus. So, I am trying to remain positive. I know that I cannot control what is going to happen, so worrying isn’t going to do me any good.

On another note, I am so excited for LCs 18 month photos today! These were actually supposed to be 12 month photos, but with all the rain we have had this spring, we have had to cancel and reschedule more times than I care to remember. We have done these photos every three months since he was born with the last ones being at 9 months so it’s going to be crazy for our photographer to see how much he has grown. Unfortunately Mr. P won’t be there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t mind a little mommy and me photo session!

Update to 19 DPO Beta

I have to update my last post and I am happy to have this update. The nurse K at my REs office just called and my beta came back at 788. That is a doubling time of 39.95 hours!  I am shocked and excited to say the least. I guess it is true that HPTs really are qualitative and not quantitative because I would have sworn that my beta was going to be lower due to the color of the line on my HPT this morning. I am very happy for this update. This allows me to relax just a bit. K said that Dr. S wants me to have another beta drawn on Thursday and I said that I didn’t want to. I’m sorry, but these betas are extremely nerve wrecking and as you can tell from my post below I’m already crazy enough right now. Hopefully Dr. S will agree.

At least I kept my word on posting more positive stuff going forward. Hopefully the trend will continue. For now we are very cautiously optimistic! This is honestly the furthest I have made it since being pg with LC. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. TODAY I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful!

19 DPO Beta

I wish I didn’t do this, but every time I get my betas drawn I compare them to my pregnancy with LC. When I found out I was pregnant with LC, it was on a break cycle after IVF #2 failed. My RE did an early U/S – to this day it’s because I believe he thought I had gotten pregnant on the IVF cycle. That’s important because we were enrolled in their Shared Risk program and I’m sure they wanted their money. Anyway, when he did the ultrasound we could already see something in my uterus. I asked him about betas and he said that I didn’t need them so he wasn’t going to draw them.

I had been on online infertility forums long enough that I knew people always got betas. What I didn’t know was that once your beta reached about 1000-1500 and something could be seen on an ultrasound some doctors stop drawing betas. So, since my RE wouldn’t draw them, I asked my GP to draw them and he did.

Here were my betas with LC:

21 DPO = 3404

24 DPO = 10093 D.T = 45.92

Here have been my betas with all my CPs:

CP #1

20 DPO = 214

22 DPO = 309  D.T = 90.57

26 DPO = 360 D.T = 435.59

29 DPO = 79

CP #2

12 DPO = 18

14 DPO = 23 D.T = 135.73

20 DPO = 105 D.T = 65.73

CP # 3

Didn’t have betas drawn

CP #4

13 DPO = 79

15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44

19 DPO =  788  D.T = 39.95 hours

At this point, I am just so frustrated, pissed off, and confused. Not to mention lost in my faith. I feel as though I must have done something wrong in my life to have to go through this. Why let me keep getting pregnant just to take them it away? Why just not let me get pregnant? Did I use up all my prayer request to get LC? I am just so pissed off. I seriously question right now if He does exist because I have a hard time believing that He would allow me to go through this. Why would He? But then, I feel like if I stop believing in Him, then I will be punished even further and not ever get my rainbow. I am really hurting right now.

I took another test this morning to see if the line had gotten darker. It hadn’t. At that moment I really knew it was over. I have my third beta today and I just wanted to be prepared for what kind of call I was going to get. I told Mr. P that I just don’t get it and that there just has to be something wrong with me. I always felt that we would struggle to have baby #2, but I didn’t think it would be this struggle. I felt like it would be not getting pregnant. My thought was that we would TTC for a year, then end up going back for our frozen babies. I didn’t think that we would have 4 early losses before that happened. 

We are likely going to move on to the FET. I’m scared shitless about going this route. I feel like this is really our last hope because getting pregnant on our own just really isn’t working.  At this point I am convinced that I have something wrong with my uterus that is preventing a baby from implanting properly, or that my eggs are shit. I have always felt that I had shitty eggs so that is really what I believe the problem is.

IF is so unfair. So unfair. I feel like I have spent so much time focusing on negative things and not so much time focusing on all the positives in my life so from today forward I am going to try to include more of the positives in my life as well. Because to be honest, while I have been dealt a raw, shitty hand when it comes to my fertility, I still have a pretty amazing life, and a WHOLE LOT to be grateful for.

I am So Upset

For some dumb reason I decided that I needed to POAS today to see if the control line was darker than the test line. I am 17 DPO today. When I was 17 DPO with Lincoln I tested for the first time and the control line was so dark that it pulled the dye from the test line. Today I tested, and the line only just as dark as the test line. This is what happened during my first chemical pregnancy. I just don't understand why this continues to happen to me.

I have little to absolutely no faith left in God. I don't understand how this can keep happening to someone. I don't understand what I've done wrong. I am a good person and a great mom. I don't deserve this. I really want another child, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to happen. I was so hopeful for this cycle. More hopeful than I had ever been. When I found out it worked I was still hopeful. When I got my 2nd beta results back, they were lower than what I wanted and I started to lose a little faith, but I was still hopeful. The more I looked online and researched the more comfortable I felt. Then I took that fucking test this morning and I lost my shit.

This is just unreal. What the fuck is wrong with my body? I am just so lost right now. I just can't believe this continues to happen to me with no resolution in sight. I don't even know what to do or where to go next because this is not something that happens to people over and over. We cannot afford through another fresh IVF cycle. I don't want to use up our frozen embies if there is something wrong with my body. I just really don't know what to do at this point. I just know that I am hurting. I am really hurting over this.

I am greatful everyday that I have a beautiful little boy, but it still hurts so bad that I won't ever have another child. 

FINALLY

I finally got sick of waiting for them to call, so I called them.

My beta came back Wednesday at 79. Today it came back at 149. That is a doubling time of 52.4 hours.  Dr. S is happy with the number, but due to my history wants me to go back on Tuesday and have them drawn again. As much as the anxiety kills me I’m glad that he asked me to have them drawn again. My first CP my betas went up to 360 and I really just want to make sure that these continue to rise. So, now I remain cautiously optimistic and I wait for my next milestone. Another bright spot is that my progesterone came back around 40!

13 DPO Bhcg = 79

15 DPO Bhcg = 149

Still Waiting....

I am still waiting for my beta to come back. I had it drawn around 7:30 this morning and since it was put in as a STAT order, Lab.corb has four hours to get the results to my doctor. So, Dr. S already has my results. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. The other day he called at 1:09p.m. and it is now 11:59am. If he makes his calls during lunch, he should be calling within the next hour and a half. I hope he doesn’t wait until they close today at 3pm to call. UGH….  I hate this…

Because I’m crazy, I have convinced myself that the “symptoms” that I did have are gone. To be honest, I haven’t had any feelings that would make me think I was pregnant this cycle. A few weird things, but for the most part, nothing. Today it’s completely nothing. I really hate this. Please just call….

Waiting

I was able to get my beta moved up a day so I had it drawn this morning. I am currently waiting for the call…. To say I’m nervous is an understatement.

Today I am Pregnant, and I love my baby

No matter what happens, I cannot control the outcome. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby!

I am Freaking Out

Instead of being super excited about being pregnant again, I am just nervous that it is another chemical. I tested again this morning and the line is MUCH more visible than it was Sunday, but it is still light. I am so nervous. I have spent all morning browsing fertility friends pics of HPTs at 12DPO to see how my line to compares to the lines on other tests. I hate that my biggest worry, is getting past it being a chemical pregnancy. I called my REs office to see if they will move up my beta to tomorrow. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon.

I Gave In

I gave in and tested yesterday at 10DPO. I hate testing early. I had no reason to test, I have felt no “symptoms” and I knew it would be a BFN. I knew that if I saw a BFN it could be too early, it could ruin my day, I would just get all negative about this cycle, but I tested anyway. Imagine my surprise when it came back positive. I was in shock. I am in shock. I am also scared. Finally, I am mad at myself for testing early. I knew that I had to test this week because I am taking progesterone and if I’m not pregnant it could delay my cycle. I was supposed to test on Thursday.  If my test was positive then I would call my RE’s office and they would request a beta.

I am scared, but I am really hopeful. I don’t know why I can’t explain it, but I am really hopeful about this cycle. I pray that this will be the baby that God allows us to take home.  So, yesterday we were in DC and my parents were there. So although I know I shouldn’t, I am just so excited, I tell my mom. BIG MISTAKE. She replies with let’s wait and see what happens. So I ask why she just can’t be happy for me and she says something like she was excited last time and it didn’t work out. I fucking wanted to slap her. So I said, that I still think that she should be excited and if it doesn’t work out, then next time she gets excited also, and so on. I really wanted to fucking punch her.  What the fuck does she think this does to me? Who the fuck does she think I have to talk to when shit like this happens? I guess not her. As mad as she mad me, I am proud of myself for not allowing her to ruin my day.

What did she do? She did add extra anxiety to me about testing so early and about having another CP. I really hate that I dumb enough to think that my mom would be supportive and say something worthwhile to me about this. Something like “I’m happy for you guys, and we’re all going to stay positive that everything will be fine this time”, or “I know you’re worried after what’s happened, but just take it easy and have faith”. I don’t really know. Anything positive would have been nice. But for her to say that she was excited last time and it didn’t work, I just wanted to punch her. What kind of emotional roller coaster does that bitch think I’ve been on?

 

Back to DC

We went to DC yesterday for a celebration dinner honoring a family friend who was being promoted to Brigadier General in the Army. Mr. P really didn’t want to go, but he sucked it up and went. The actual promotion was today, but I had a presentation at work that I couldn’t miss. I am really sad that I didn’t get to see it because this gentleman saw me grow up, and he pinned my LT rank on me when I graduated from OBC. He has always been there to support our family and I’m really sad that I had to miss this milestone in his life.

My parents flew in from out of town for the ceremony, so we went up early and spent the day with them. We didn’t do a whole lot with them because we had limited time, but we were able to go the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History again. That place is HUGE. I only looked at one exhibit yesterday that I looked at again yesterday, and I still haven’t seen the whole thing. LC had quite an experience there. We were in the insect zoo and there was a lady leaning over looking at a bug and LC smacked her ass! I was so embarrassed! The look on her face was complete disgust until she realized it was LC who had done it, and then she calmed down.  Mortified, I tell my parents to which my dad responds “that’s my grandson”!

My Experience with Recurrent Chemical Pregnancies

 This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my life. I feel like it should have been the best year because it was my first year as a mom and I had so much joy brought to my life from LC. But sadly, even with all the joy that LC brought to me, this past year was tough. Real tough.

Part of the hardship of the past year, is that I have had 3 chemical pregnancies. So I went from never being able to get knocked up, to not being able to stay knocked up.

My first loss was in March. I wrote about it in my blog under a post titles Miscarriage. That loss was devastating. Of all the losses I have had, I took that one the hardest.  May is when I had my second loss. I was surprised that I got pregnant again so quickly, but thankful for the second chance. I felt like god was giving me back the baby he had taken. But just as with my first loss, the lines just weren’t getting darker. This loss just pissed me off. I thought my OB had said it was rare for this to happen again, if it was so rare why was it happening to me?

After the second loss I had a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Panel done to see if there was something that they could determine was causing the losses. My RPL came back normal. We tried again. Loss number three happened in August. This loss I just expected. I know that’s sad to say, but the day I got the first positive I already started thinking about when I would lose the pregnancy. This loss happened much sooner than the first two. If I would have waited till 17DPO to test like I always told myself I would do, I would never have known about this one.

After this loss we had a Karotyping test done on both Mr. P and I and both of those have also come back normal.

Chemical pregnancies to me put you in a weird spot. Some people don’t acknowledge them as losses, some people will tell you that at least you know you can get pregnant, and some people say nothing at all. To me though, the loss is very real. You find out you’re pregnant, you develop all these hopes and dreams about the family you are about to become and then in an instant it is gone. It is gone only for people to not even acknowledge what you are going through as a loss. It hurts.

One of the hardest things for me has been that there is no clear reason as of yet why I am having these chemical pregnancies. When Dr. S called to say that our karyotyping test came back normal he gave me his theory, but it is just that a theory because there is no proof. Dr. S believes that I have an ovulatory dysfunction. At the beginning of this cycle my AFC on one ovary was 13, and it was 18 on the other. Those numbers are slightly higher than the norm – which I believe he said was about 10 on each side. He also said that my AMH came back at about 3.6. This is slightly higher than most women my age. I asked him if I had PCOS and he said he didn’t believe so. Since I’m not overweight (currently), my cycles are regular, I ovulate regularly, I’m not harry, and my counts aren’t THAT high, he said it was pretty safe to say that I don’t have PCOS.

He theorizes that I am not releasing a very good egg each month. The way he explained it was all the follicles from the AFC are fighting for hormones and nutrients to become “the egg” that is released. Because I have so many, “the egg” isn’t getting all the hormones and nutrients that it needs. Dr. S did not explain this to me this way, I’m paraphrasing and probably doing a poor job at it.

Dr. S believes that if we can create a better ovulation, then I can be successful. I just hope that is true. This cycle we did the Clomid, Follistim, HCG Trigger, and now Progesterone. I hope that it works.

The problem with Chemical pregnancies is that they are supposedly so common, but all you can wonder is if you will ever have another healthy baby. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of research on them, and its hard to find people who have had multiple chemical pregnancies. You start to wonder – at least I do, what is wrong with you. You want to become pregnant again, but you are so scared that you will have another loss. I’m just praying that this cycle works and that we get our second child.

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend I left LC for the first time and went to have a much needed, long overdue, girls weekend. One of my best friends from college has a sister who lives up in DC so we met up there for the weekend. It was so nice to be able to hang out and relax, laugh, and just have a good time. Looking back we didn’t do a whole lot, but we seemed to be busy the entire time.

I got there Friday night and we that night we just went to dinner at a Greek restaurant. Saturday I got up and ran 4 miles (yay for me), and then we took a Segway tour around to see the monuments, the capital, and a few other sites. We used Smithsonian Tours by Segway and I thought our tour guide did a great job. We got there late, so he had to rush through our safety brief, but we picked it up pretty quick. There was a women there with her husband who was having the worst time and I just knew she was going to crash. Well, she didn’t, but I did. There was one part of the tour we had to go around a tight (in my opinion) corner and I didn’t make it. I went one way, the Segway went another. It was bad, but I survived.

After the tour we went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and then to the Holocaust Museum.  That was enough for me. After the four mile run, standing on a Segway for 3 hours, walking around two museums, and walking to and from the metro, my legs were DONE! Sunday we went to brunch at a nice place that had bottomless mimosas. HEAVEN!! We did a little shopping, and then just relaxed. Sunday night we headed to the National Harbor and then Monday I left. The whole weekend was amazing, but definitely went by to fast!

Mr. P and LC went home to my ILs for the weekend.  I don’t know what all they did, but I’m sure that LC had a blast playing with his cousins. I honestly can’t stand being around my SIL and her kids because I feel like LC and her youngest don’t play well together. They are both at the age where they really aren’t into sharing. Well, if her son takes a toy from mine it’s all good, but if LC takes a toy from her kid, she tries to make him give it back. The last time were all together was at the beach this weekend. I let a lot of shit slide that weekend in order to keep the peace, but I won’t next time.

I had called my MIL to give her LCs restrictions last Thursday, but I’m sure he ate something he wasn’t supposed to. He came back with diarrhea and a diaper rash. In fact his diaper rash was so bad that on Wednesday I took him to the doctor. It had gotten so bad that an infection had developed.  I sometimes don’t understand how that woman can have such a cavalier attitude when it comes to the safety of a child. Whenever I change LCs diaper I use A&D ointment. EVERY DIAPER CHANGE. At daycare, they use it at every diaper change. So, I don’t understand why she would feel (because I’m sure she was the one changing diapers) that my request for her to use it could or should be ignored. He’s not her child.

Anyway, after a day at home with mommy yesterday, some Rx cream, and a quick rinse off in the tub after every poopy diaper, he is doing better and back at daycare today. I felt so bad for him because every time we changed him he was in so much pain. I think even the water burned because he would just stand there and whine as I rinsed off his bum-bum and he was afraid to sit in the water. I am so glad he is doing better.