Monday, June 13, 2011

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me... (part I)

So I had the bright idea of taking a HPT today, on my 31st birthday. Like an idiot. I got the idea because about two years ago there was a girl on the GP board on the bump who tested on her birthday and got her BFP and I always thought it would be an awesome day to find out. In the four plus years that we have been TTC I have never had the chance to test on my birthday so I decided to take advantage of the oppoutunity this time. Today I am 8dp5dt which is pretty accurate timeframe to be able to test and get an accurate result. Well, the test was glaring white. GLARING!!!

 I actually didn't cry as bad as I thought I would. In fact, I haven't really had a major breakdown yet today at all. I'm sure that is mostly because this morning I was at my parents house with 3 of my sisters, 2 nieces, by BIL, and of course my parents and husband. So I had to hold it together then. Since we are flying back today and I'm still in the air, I don't really want to have a meltdown on the plane either, so I'm forcing myself to be strong.
I think I'm just fucking fed up with this all. Sometimes, all I can do is ask myself "how the fuck did I get here"? How did I get from charting and anxiously TTC every month to injecting myself daily with hormones, going under anesthesia (sp) and having to do IVF? We are at such a loss of what we should do next. We don't know what to ask our doctor about what happened, we don't even understand ourselves how the exact same protocol and approach can yeild such different results.
I have to be honest and say that since we got the news of our blastocyst quality on transfer day I lost hope in this cycle. How would this cycle work with only "fair" blastocysts when last cycle didn't work with excellent ones? Then when I found out none made it to freeze, any hope I had left, basically went to the wayside.

I have been all over the net trying to figure out if this is an egg quality issue, sperm related, or if it is just bad luck. I have read that up to day three can be attributed to egg quality but after that it could be either an egg quality issue or sperm issue. This of course then led me to search for ways to try to increase my egg quality. One way that seems to help women who are larger than average is to lose at least 10% of their body weight.

Women with BMI of over 30 tend to have a slightly harder time being successful with IVF. Many clinics won't even take on patients if their BMI is 30 or above. One website I found http://www.advancedfertility.com/weight.htm
gives a great explanation of why IVF can have safety risk in larger patients. While I am not obese, I am overweight. In fact I currently have a BMI of 28. I don't know if this is what is effecting my egg quality, but I do know that if losing 20 lbs will help increase my chances of being successful with our next round of IVF, then I am going to do it. In fact, we are actually going to take an additional month off so that I can lose at least 20lbs before we start our next cycle. Again, I don't know if this will help, but it can't hurt.

We are of course going to discuss this with Dr. T and see what his thoughts on the subject are, but I can't see him being adverse to it. Another thing that we are going to mention is that Mr. P chews tobacco. We would like to know if Dr. T things that this could be having an effect on his sperm quality, and if him quitting could help. I would be shocked if he said that he sees no problem with it and tells Mr. P that he can keep doing it. I just don't know what do anymore!

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