Monday, November 18, 2013

One of These Days

My ILs came down for the weekend. Specifically my MIL, my SIL, and my nephew. Now we have have always felt that Mr. Ps parent’s favored his sister and her kids more than us and our son, but I have never felt is as much as I did this weekend. I am so blessed that my mom is a so-so grandma to all of her grandkids and doesn’t favor any of them over others. I guess in reality this is my own fault because I had expectations of the relationship that my MIL would have with my son. I set myself up for failure.
One of these days I will learn to accept that my MIL and FIL just do not love my child as much as they love my SILs kids. As hard as this is on me to accept, I can’t imagine what it must be like for Mr. P. I just remember before we had kids I adored the way she treated JJ and CP our two nephews and I was ecstatic that LC would have a grandma who was really like a grandma. Because, well, that’s just not my mom.
Then LC came, and nothing really changed. My MIL and FIL never really made any more trips down to see us or the baby, but there were always pictures being posted on FB of her hanging out with the other grandkids. Then they would plan trips out to see us, and all of a sudden their plans would change because of something involving my SIL and her kids.
About a month ago I finally told my MIL that she could come on her own that that LC never got to see her alone because every time she came my nephews were always there. She understood where I was coming from and she in fact did come that time alone. They originally weren’t going to come because my SIL couldn’t come, and it was nice for LC to spend time with them alone. This weekend however my SIL was in tow and so was my oldest nephew.
This weekend was just my wakeup call and the reality check that I needed to finally see the inequality that goes on in my husbands family. In actuality it pissed me off more than anything. I just can’t believe not only how much more attention my MIL showed my nephew, but also my SIL. She spends so much time with them that I assumed that she would relish all the time she can spend with LC and Mr. P especially since we are moving. However my MIL acted like she never sees JJ and my SIL. She pretty much spent the whole weekend babying JJ giving into his depands and babying my SIL. The truth is that LC is an AMAZING little boy. I’m not just saying that because he’s my son, he really is a neat kid. It’s their loss.
My SIL and her husband give off the vibe that they are in such financial despair and that they are struggling to just live paycheck to paycheck. Guess what, I’m losing my job!! We will be forced to live off of just one paycheck but yet and still we aren’t acting like we need to be standing in line at the soup kitchen. It just really pisses me off. All weekend my MIL paid for everything for my SIL and her son. Mr. P even pissed me off one time when he was all offering to pay for something for her. Her and her husband both work. We are trying to buy a house, and I’m about to lose my job. Why do they think we are in any different of a position?
In about six short weeks we are moving halfway across the country. I’m pretty excited about this because I have had my last straw with seeing my son get ignored and treated like shit when he is around Mr. P’s family. They won’t come out and visit us very often and we won’t be going back there very often. We will see them maybe twice a year for the next three years. I would be more sad for LC but since they never cared to see him while we were close, I’m pretty much over that now. I’m sad for baby to be because that baby will never get to know them but that’s okay also. I have enough love to give.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Light of our Lives

It really just amazes me how much LC changes and how fast these changed occur. I think back to how he was exactly one year ago and I just can’t believe he has changed so much in a year. He has learned to talk, walk, run, be devious, and grown so independent,  all while staying the light of our lives.
LC has started to put two words together in order to form “sentences”. This just started this past weekend, and all he says is “daddy truck” for daddy’s truck. It’s cute. But the amount of stuff that little boy knows is amazing. Yesterday morning I dropped him off at school and when I did I told him to go sit by Brooke (a little girl in his class), and he did. This morning I told him not to take his shoes off so he does, and then says “mommy” and shows me with his little devious smile. Every day I am truly amazed by how sponge like he is and everything he is learning.
We have also started potty training LC. I know that many people think it’s way too early for him to be potty training, but I disagree.  Back in the 50’s most children were potty trained by 18 months and it wasn’t until disposable diapers came around that children started training later and later. We aren’t stupid, we know that LC won’t be trained in a month, or even two, but we feel that by starting him off early and going slowly we will have it done by hopefully June or July. Since his DC isn’t interested in helping us train him, right now we are just taking him to the potty before bath time. We started this right around the time he turned 18 months and so far he has gone four or five times. That may not sound like much, but we have to start somewhere.  Once we have that somewhat mastered, we will start going first thing in the morning.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

LC’s Daycare

I don’t know if I have mentioned it here before or not, but I can’t stand my son’s daycare. Why then, you ask, do I send him there? Well, because 6 months ago we moved to be closer to our jobs since we were both commuting over an hour one way to work every day.  Unfortunately we now live close to a military base in a not so nice town, and this is the best option in the area that we live in. This center is supposedly accredited and is the closest fit to his old daycare, so we went with it. And I HATE it. Previously LC was at a Primrose and I loved it. Now he is at a Goddard, and I hate it.
I don’t feel like the teachers at this daycare interact with the kids as much as they did at Primrose, every time I go in to pick him up, the teachers are sitting down and the kids are playing on their own. I never see the teachers playing with the kids. He has one teacher in particular who is always sitting down barking at the kids. If they are doing something wrong, she doesn’t get up, she just yells at them across the room. Goddard doesn’t provide any linens for the kids, and it grosses me out that they sleep on mats on the floor. Really, do raised cots cost that much?
They do not provide lunch at our school, and they don’t heat up what we bring for our child. So, I guess they don’t care that children don’t eat warm nutritious meals. They do provide two snacks, and their snacks are such items such as oatmeal cookies and juice, animal crackers and juice, wheat thins and water, trail mix. Where is the fruit/vegetable and protein? Then, the “art” they do with the kids is laughable. They just give them construction paper and makers. REALLY, does it take that much time to look up art projects to do with a one year old online?
Thank goodness we are moving soon because I can’t STAND him going to this daycare.

Friday, October 4, 2013

I am Just Pissed Off

I am so so pissed off right now. I am so mad and angry that this is happening to me. I truly felt that I had endured my share of losses. Although I felt as if this could happen when my betas didn't double properly, after our first ultrasound where we saw the yolk sac, and our second where we saw the heartbeat I thought everything was going to be okay. I was fooled into thinking that I would be a mom to another baby. I believed that LC would be a big brother. I stupidly imagined ways to announce our pregnancy to others.
But none of that is going to happen. I will not be having another baby in May. I will not be taking a cute photo in November when we do our family photo with our feet and an extra pair of shoes. LC will not be becoming a big brother, and I am heartbroken. I know that I am lucky to have LC in my life, and I am truly grateful, but I would like to have another child and I feel like that is just too much to ask God for. Maybe I have run out of prayer requests.
I have always felt that I had an egg quality issue and I feel that way even more so now. We have had three chemical pregnancies which are most likely caused by a chromosomal issue and now an enlarged yolk sac which is also indicative of a chromosomal issue. We have had karotype testing done on both of us, and it both of our results came back normal. I know this does not 100% lead to an egg issue, but at this point I'm convinced of it.
I am really just so hurt right now. I have no idea where to go from here, but I know that I'm not finished trying to have a second child. I honestly feel like our family is not yet complete and that a second child would make our family feel complete. But I am also coming to the realization that we may not have another child. As painful as that is, I am finally starting to see that could be our reality and it hurts so bad to even think that.
Realizing that makes me look back at the last year and a half with LC and wish that I had soaked it in more. Although, honestly, in the past year and a half with him I have only left him once so it's not like I've neglected him or spending time with him, but I wish I would have stopped to enjoy it more, instead of focusing on what I was or wasn't doing right as a mom. He's a perfectly happy, normal, loved little boy, and he is just the highlight of my life. I guess I just wanted to share the love we have for him with another child and I really pray that we get to one day.
So, where do we go from here....
Right now it is just to early to tell. Unfortunately we are up against a timeline because we are moving in January. We will likely try to move on as quickly as possible with an FET of some of the 5 frozen embryos that we have, but we won't know for a while when that will be. I am guessing December. Lovely, now I will likely get to cycle around the holidays. Yay!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Enlarged Yolk Sac

Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been very optimistic, but I have thought deep in the back of my head that I was going to have a missed miscarriage. Not because I want to have one, but because everything from the get go that I googled had outcomes that led to that. Almost all the cases that saw on the internet with slower doubling beta times ended in a MMC. They always had one or two ultrasounds where they saw a heartbeat, but then at a follow-up U/S there wasn't one. I prayed that this wouldn't be the case for me too, but it looks like that may be the path I am headed for and I am so scared and heartbroken.

When I went to the bathroom this morning and wiped there was bright red blood on the toilet paper. I thought I would wait it out and decided if I saw it again I would call the RE. However, I decided to call anyway because I would rather be safe than sorry. They asked me to go ahead and come in, so I did. When I got there Dr. S did an U/S and let me know that everything looked fine and that the reason for the bleed was likely due to have intercourse yesterday morning.

Here is where the concern comes in. Every time I have an ultrasound Dr. S measures the CRL of the embryo, the FHR, and the YS size. When he gets to the YS he says that the YS should measure less than 8 mm. Well Monday during my routine U/S at 6w4d my YS was measuring 4mm. Today at 7w0d it was measuring 6.33 mm. Unfortunately everything I have read online points to this leading to a miscarriage. First the sac is to large. It should not grow larger than 6mm. Second, the sac has grown too much in 3 days. The embryo is not getting nutrients from the YS if it is growing at that rate. I am heartbroken.

I am just so upset. I just don't understand why God would let me get this far to just have it all end. I am so BLESSED to have LC but I guess I am just not supposed to have any more children. Our last chance seems to be with the frozen embryos that we have but with all that is going on with our job and the move I don't know if now is really the right time to implant them. But I'm not getting any younger and evidently I have really bad eggs.

I have to go back for another U/S on Monday and possibly Friday. This is just bullshit. I am not a bad person why do bad things just keep happening to me? I love my son so much, and I just really wanted to be able to give him a sibling and now I don't know if that will ever happen. I am so hurt right now. I honestly thought I had endured enough.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Government Shutdown

All I can say about this is wow! I never believed that it would come to this. Honestly, I am a bit jealous that some employees are going to get a paid vacation. Yes, I do not know if it will be paid or not, but I think that it would be extremely shitty not to pay people. Especially after the 11 days we were already furloughed earlier this year. But right now, I am not furloughed, so I still have to go to work. So I am a bit jealous that I don’t get a break also. I will not be so jealous if they do not go back and pay people. I would be pissed about that. I think it’s a very shitty way to treat your employees, because YOU can’t get your shit together.  

6weeks and 5 days

Currently I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. This is the furthest I have been since I was pregnant with LC. We had our second ultrasound yesterday and we were able to see the little one’s heart beating away at 124 bpm. Honestly that was such a relief and a huge weight off my shoulders that lasted all of about 24 hours. Today I am back to panicking and going to the bathroom and determining that I am spotting again didn’t help. We go back next week for another ultrasound. Dr. S said that next week the heart rate needs to have increased to around 140 bpm. If the heart rate increases and everything still looks okay than we will be released to Dr. D.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Trying to Stay Positive

I am having the hardest time in the world trying to stay positive right now. I want this baby so bad, and I just can't imagine facing another loss. But it is so hard. With each passing day I feel less and less pregnant than I felt the day before. Small things which I don't count as symptoms, but were definitely different, are now gone.

Like I'm no longer tired. I haven't wanted to be up past 8 pm in the past two weeks, and tonight I'm fine. I feel like I could be up all night. Wednesday of this week I felt like shit. I was convinced that my morning sickness was about to start, yesterday I felt better and today I feel great! I would tire easily when I tried to walk up the stairs, but now, I'm fine. Nipple soreness, again, so slight that I literally have to pinch my nipples so many times before I feel any discomfort. In fact, I'm sure the nipple soreness I feel now, is from me pinching my own nipples.

I am just so fucking terrified. I know that my beta doubling times have not been awesome. I have looked at too many online and seen the outcome of people with slower betas. Which, I don't understand. The vast majority of women online with betas taking longer than 48 hours to double, but still in the 48-72 hour range, suffered losses. What I don't understand is, if this isn't a coincidence, than how are the slower doubling times considered normal?

Its kinda a huge blow to me to see this. At my ultrasound on Monday I was measuring behind three days. That coupled with my betas has me scared shitless. Throw in my lack of feeling pregnant and I'm a fucking basket case. I am terrified of my ultrasound on Monday. I know that I have to go, but I'm so afraid that we are going to get there and not see what we are supposed to see.

I so wish that I was one of those naive women who could just get knocked up and  not have a worry in the world. IF and my losses have fucked me for life. I wish that I could be happy and excited right now and instead I am crying and wondering if LC will be my only child.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


I have mentioned it before, but because it is concerning me so much I’m mentioning it again. I have zero pregnancy symptoms and it is freaking me out. The two things that I am counting as my symptoms are headaches and sore nipples, and both of which can be attributed to the Crinone. What is scaring me more than my lack of symptoms is that the two that I am trying to make myself believe I have, are so infrequent that I’m convinced they have disappeared altogether.
I have not really had a headache for the past two days, and my nipples have been pinched so many times today in hopes that they will feel sore, that I’m surprised I haven’t made them sore. I wish my brain wasn’t in the mode it’s in, but I’m completely freaked out about having another loss. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I am afraid that we are going to go to our U/S appointment and not see heartbeat. I’m worried that I’m going to have a blighted ovum; I’m worried about anything and everything. I am so mad at myself for not just relaxing and just enjoying this pregnancy. But it is hard!!!
Today I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful.
I’m also terrified.  

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Yay for Medication Coverage

For once I love my secondary insurance. I just got my Summary of Prescriptions Filled for the month of August, and they saved me $1498.47!! Out of $1556.64 for the month of August I only had to pay $58.17! That is awesome! In fact my secondary insurance picked up more than my primary insurance did. This is mostly due to the fact that we did an “induced ovulation” cycle and not an IUI cycle. Our secondary insurance covers the cost of medication for “induced ovulation” so we only paid $17 for each of our two 300iu pens of Follistim. I am beyond excited especially about that since we paid over $4,000 for all of the medication for ONE IVF cycle.

Friday, September 20, 2013

My Betas So far this cycle

13 DPO = 79
15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44
19 DPO = 788 D.T = 39.95 hours
22 PO = 2031 D.T = 52.71 hours

22 DPO

Dr. S just called. My 4th and final beta came in at 2031, up from 788 on Tuesday (19 DPO) with a DT of 52.71 hours.  I don’t know how I feel about this. Honestly, I don’t feel great considering that Dr. S said that he would have liked to have seen my numbers at around 2300. Now he wants me to come in for an U/S on Monday. If anyone actually reads my blog and can spare any T&Ps for my U/S and for this little bean to continue to grow I would appreciate it.
LCs pictures didn’t go so well yesterday. In fact, I am really pissed that I paid almost as much for these pictures (the entire series) as some people do for their wedding pictures, and none of these sessions have gone well. LC NEVER wants to smile and has NEVER cooperated. His newborn session went fine until the end when he just decided he was done. The only shot I really wanted, one of our rings on his little feet, we never got. At this 3 month session he just wouldn’t smile. He would just have blank stares on his face the whole time. At 6 & 9 months, he wouldn’t sit by himself. He would only smile if me or Mr. P was holding him, and he would only smile at us, never the camera.
My biggest fear going into yesterday was that he wasn’t going to want to sit and take any picture because he would just want to play. And that’s exactly what happened.  I think we got like three shots of him sitting and smiling. At one point I really just wanted to ask her to start shooting more lifestyle poses than posed photos, but I honestly just got to a point where I didn’t care and just wanted to be done.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Symptoms – or lack thereof

The hardest part of this pregnancy in relation to my three chemical pregnancies is that I have had absolutely no symptoms. With the last three CPs I felt different and I knew I was pregnant so I wanted to test. This time, I felt nothing, I just wanted to test. At 16 DPO this time, my nipples did become sore, but that’s been it. They aren’t even really that sore. In fact the most sore they have been was on Tuesday morning. Today, they aren’t sore at all unless I pinch the crap out of them. So, I am now kicking myself for not having my beta done today. I am also now spotting.

I called the REs office and spoke with V. She said that spotting is common with the Crinone, but then I asked her if I could have a blood test done tomorrow. So now I have a beta scheduled for tomorrow morning. I wish I wouldn’t have chickened out of having it done today, but I did. Luckily I will be extremely distracted after I leave work today until I get the results of the beta tomorrow. LC has his 18 month photos this evening, and tomorrow morning is his 18 month check-up. By the time I get done with his appointment, get him back in “school” (shitty daycare), then they should be calling with my results.

A part of me feels like I’m worrying about nothing, and that everything is going to be fine. I have had normal betas so far that have doubled in the time frame and I haven’t started bleeding. My betas are way higher now than they have ever been with my CPs. Then, there is the other side of me which reminds me of how confident I was back in March when I went in to see my OB for the side pain and found out I was getting an ultrasound. I was so excited to find out there was nothing in my uterus. So, I am trying to remain positive. I know that I cannot control what is going to happen, so worrying isn’t going to do me any good.

On another note, I am so excited for LCs 18 month photos today! These were actually supposed to be 12 month photos, but with all the rain we have had this spring, we have had to cancel and reschedule more times than I care to remember. We have done these photos every three months since he was born with the last ones being at 9 months so it’s going to be crazy for our photographer to see how much he has grown. Unfortunately Mr. P won’t be there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t mind a little mommy and me photo session!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Update to 19 DPO Beta

I have to update my last post and I am happy to have this update. The nurse K at my REs office just called and my beta came back at 788. That is a doubling time of 39.95 hours!  I am shocked and excited to say the least. I guess it is true that HPTs really are qualitative and not quantitative because I would have sworn that my beta was going to be lower due to the color of the line on my HPT this morning. I am very happy for this update. This allows me to relax just a bit. K said that Dr. S wants me to have another beta drawn on Thursday and I said that I didn’t want to. I’m sorry, but these betas are extremely nerve wrecking and as you can tell from my post below I’m already crazy enough right now. Hopefully Dr. S will agree.
At least I kept my word on posting more positive stuff going forward. Hopefully the trend will continue. For now we are very cautiously optimistic! This is honestly the furthest I have made it since being pg with LC. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. TODAY I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful!

19 DPO Beta

I wish I didn’t do this, but every time I get my betas drawn I compare them to my pregnancy with LC. When I found out I was pregnant with LC, it was on a break cycle after IVF #2 failed. My RE did an early U/S – to this day it’s because I believe he thought I had gotten pregnant on the IVF cycle. That’s important because we were enrolled in their Shared Risk program and I’m sure they wanted their money. Anyway, when he did the ultrasound we could already see something in my uterus. I asked him about betas and he said that I didn’t need them so he wasn’t going to draw them.
I had been on online infertility forums long enough that I knew people always got betas. What I didn’t know was that once your beta reached about 1000-1500 and something could be seen on an ultrasound some doctors stop drawing betas. So, since my RE wouldn’t draw them, I asked my GP to draw them and he did.
Here were my betas with LC:
21 DPO = 3404
24 DPO = 10093 D.T = 45.92
Here have been my betas with all my CPs:
CP #1
20 DPO = 214
22 DPO = 309  D.T = 90.57
26 DPO = 360 D.T = 435.59
29 DPO = 79
CP #2
12 DPO = 18
14 DPO = 23 D.T = 135.73
20 DPO = 105 D.T = 65.73
CP # 3
Didn’t have betas drawn
CP #4
13 DPO = 79
15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44
19 DPO =  788  D.T = 39.95 hours

At this point, I am just so frustrated, pissed off, and confused. Not to mention lost in my faith. I feel as though I must have done something wrong in my life to have to go through this. Why let me keep getting pregnant just to take them it away? Why just not let me get pregnant? Did I use up all my prayer request to get LC? I am just so pissed off. I seriously question right now if He does exist because I have a hard time believing that He would allow me to go through this. Why would He? But then, I feel like if I stop believing in Him, then I will be punished even further and not ever get my rainbow. I am really hurting right now.
I took another test this morning to see if the line had gotten darker. It hadn’t. At that moment I really knew it was over. I have my third beta today and I just wanted to be prepared for what kind of call I was going to get. I told Mr. P that I just don’t get it and that there just has to be something wrong with me. I always felt that we would struggle to have baby #2, but I didn’t think it would be this struggle. I felt like it would be not getting pregnant. My thought was that we would TTC for a year, then end up going back for our frozen babies. I didn’t think that we would have 4 early losses before that happened. 
We are likely going to move on to the FET. I’m scared shitless about going this route. I feel like this is really our last hope because getting pregnant on our own just really isn’t working.  At this point I am convinced that I have something wrong with my uterus that is preventing a baby from implanting properly, or that my eggs are shit. I have always felt that I had shitty eggs so that is really what I believe the problem is.
IF is so unfair. So unfair. I feel like I have spent so much time focusing on negative things and not so much time focusing on all the positives in my life so from today forward I am going to try to include more of the positives in my life as well. Because to be honest, while I have been dealt a raw, shitty hand when it comes to my fertility, I still have a pretty amazing life, and a WHOLE LOT to be grateful for.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I am So Upset

For some dumb reason I decided that I needed to POAS today to see if the control line was darker than the test line. I am 17 DPO today. When I was 17 DPO with Lincoln I tested for the first time and the control line was so dark that it pulled the dye from the test line. Today I tested, and the line only just as dark as the test line. This is what happened during my first chemical pregnancy. I just don't understand why this continues to happen to me.

I have little to absolutely no faith left in God. I don't understand how this can keep happening to someone. I don't understand what I've done wrong. I am a good person and a great mom. I don't deserve this. I really want another child, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to happen. I was so hopeful for this cycle. More hopeful than I had ever been. When I found out it worked I was still hopeful. When I got my 2nd beta results back, they were lower than what I wanted and I started to lose a little faith, but I was still hopeful. The more I looked online and researched the more comfortable I felt. Then I took that fucking test this morning and I lost my shit.

This is just unreal. What the fuck is wrong with my body? I am just so lost right now. I just can't believe this continues to happen to me with no resolution in sight. I don't even know what to do or where to go next because this is not something that happens to people over and over. We cannot afford through another fresh IVF cycle. I don't want to use up our frozen embies if there is something wrong with my body. I just really don't know what to do at this point. I just know that I am hurting. I am really hurting over this.

I am greatful everyday that I have a beautiful little boy, but it still hurts so bad that I won't ever have another child. 

Friday, September 13, 2013


I finally got sick of waiting for them to call, so I called them.
My beta came back Wednesday at 79. Today it came back at 149. That is a doubling time of 52.4 hours.  Dr. S is happy with the number, but due to my history wants me to go back on Tuesday and have them drawn again. As much as the anxiety kills me I’m glad that he asked me to have them drawn again. My first CP my betas went up to 360 and I really just want to make sure that these continue to rise. So, now I remain cautiously optimistic and I wait for my next milestone. Another bright spot is that my progesterone came back around 40!
13 DPO Bhcg = 79
15 DPO Bhcg = 149

Still Waiting....

I am still waiting for my beta to come back. I had it drawn around 7:30 this morning and since it was put in as a STAT order, Lab.corb has four hours to get the results to my doctor. So, Dr. S already has my results. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. The other day he called at 1:09p.m. and it is now 11:59am. If he makes his calls during lunch, he should be calling within the next hour and a half. I hope he doesn’t wait until they close today at 3pm to call. UGH….  I hate this…
Because I’m crazy, I have convinced myself that the “symptoms” that I did have are gone. To be honest, I haven’t had any feelings that would make me think I was pregnant this cycle. A few weird things, but for the most part, nothing. Today it’s completely nothing. I really hate this. Please just call….

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


I was able to get my beta moved up a day so I had it drawn this morning. I am currently waiting for the call…. To say I’m nervous is an understatement.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Today I am Pregnant, and I love my baby

No matter what happens, I cannot control the outcome. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby!

I am Freaking Out

Instead of being super excited about being pregnant again, I am just nervous that it is another chemical. I tested again this morning and the line is MUCH more visible than it was Sunday, but it is still light. I am so nervous. I have spent all morning browsing fertility friends pics of HPTs at 12DPO to see how my line to compares to the lines on other tests. I hate that my biggest worry, is getting past it being a chemical pregnancy. I called my REs office to see if they will move up my beta to tomorrow. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon.

Monday, September 9, 2013

I Gave In

I gave in and tested yesterday at 10DPO. I hate testing early. I had no reason to test, I have felt no “symptoms” and I knew it would be a BFN. I knew that if I saw a BFN it could be too early, it could ruin my day, I would just get all negative about this cycle, but I tested anyway. Imagine my surprise when it came back positive. I was in shock. I am in shock. I am also scared. Finally, I am mad at myself for testing early. I knew that I had to test this week because I am taking progesterone and if I’m not pregnant it could delay my cycle. I was supposed to test on Thursday.  If my test was positive then I would call my RE’s office and they would request a beta.
I am scared, but I am really hopeful. I don’t know why I can’t explain it, but I am really hopeful about this cycle. I pray that this will be the baby that God allows us to take home.  So, yesterday we were in DC and my parents were there. So although I know I shouldn’t, I am just so excited, I tell my mom. BIG MISTAKE. She replies with let’s wait and see what happens. So I ask why she just can’t be happy for me and she says something like she was excited last time and it didn’t work out. I fucking wanted to slap her. So I said, that I still think that she should be excited and if it doesn’t work out, then next time she gets excited also, and so on. I really wanted to fucking punch her.  What the fuck does she think this does to me? Who the fuck does she think I have to talk to when shit like this happens? I guess not her. As mad as she mad me, I am proud of myself for not allowing her to ruin my day.
What did she do? She did add extra anxiety to me about testing so early and about having another CP. I really hate that I dumb enough to think that my mom would be supportive and say something worthwhile to me about this. Something like “I’m happy for you guys, and we’re all going to stay positive that everything will be fine this time”, or “I know you’re worried after what’s happened, but just take it easy and have faith”. I don’t really know. Anything positive would have been nice. But for her to say that she was excited last time and it didn’t work, I just wanted to punch her. What kind of emotional roller coaster does that bitch think I’ve been on?


Back to DC

We went to DC yesterday for a celebration dinner honoring a family friend who was being promoted to Brigadier General in the Army. Mr. P really didn’t want to go, but he sucked it up and went. The actual promotion was today, but I had a presentation at work that I couldn’t miss. I am really sad that I didn’t get to see it because this gentleman saw me grow up, and he pinned my LT rank on me when I graduated from OBC. He has always been there to support our family and I’m really sad that I had to miss this milestone in his life.
My parents flew in from out of town for the ceremony, so we went up early and spent the day with them. We didn’t do a whole lot with them because we had limited time, but we were able to go the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History again. That place is HUGE. I only looked at one exhibit yesterday that I looked at again yesterday, and I still haven’t seen the whole thing. LC had quite an experience there. We were in the insect zoo and there was a lady leaning over looking at a bug and LC smacked her ass! I was so embarrassed! The look on her face was complete disgust until she realized it was LC who had done it, and then she calmed down.  Mortified, I tell my parents to which my dad responds “that’s my grandson”!

Friday, September 6, 2013

My Experience with Recurrent Chemical Pregnancies

 This past year has probably been one of the hardest in my life. I feel like it should have been the best year because it was my first year as a mom and I had so much joy brought to my life from LC. But sadly, even with all the joy that LC brought to me, this past year was tough. Real tough.
Part of the hardship of the past year, is that I have had 3 chemical pregnancies. So I went from never being able to get knocked up, to not being able to stay knocked up.
My first loss was in March. I wrote about it in my blog under a post titles Miscarriage. That loss was devastating. Of all the losses I have had, I took that one the hardest.  May is when I had my second loss. I was surprised that I got pregnant again so quickly, but thankful for the second chance. I felt like god was giving me back the baby he had taken. But just as with my first loss, the lines just weren’t getting darker. This loss just pissed me off. I thought my OB had said it was rare for this to happen again, if it was so rare why was it happening to me?
After the second loss I had a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Panel done to see if there was something that they could determine was causing the losses. My RPL came back normal. We tried again. Loss number three happened in August. This loss I just expected. I know that’s sad to say, but the day I got the first positive I already started thinking about when I would lose the pregnancy. This loss happened much sooner than the first two. If I would have waited till 17DPO to test like I always told myself I would do, I would never have known about this one.
After this loss we had a Karotyping test done on both Mr. P and I and both of those have also come back normal.
Chemical pregnancies to me put you in a weird spot. Some people don’t acknowledge them as losses, some people will tell you that at least you know you can get pregnant, and some people say nothing at all. To me though, the loss is very real. You find out you’re pregnant, you develop all these hopes and dreams about the family you are about to become and then in an instant it is gone. It is gone only for people to not even acknowledge what you are going through as a loss. It hurts.
One of the hardest things for me has been that there is no clear reason as of yet why I am having these chemical pregnancies. When Dr. S called to say that our karyotyping test came back normal he gave me his theory, but it is just that a theory because there is no proof. Dr. S believes that I have an ovulatory dysfunction. At the beginning of this cycle my AFC on one ovary was 13, and it was 18 on the other. Those numbers are slightly higher than the norm – which I believe he said was about 10 on each side. He also said that my AMH came back at about 3.6. This is slightly higher than most women my age. I asked him if I had PCOS and he said he didn’t believe so. Since I’m not overweight (currently), my cycles are regular, I ovulate regularly, I’m not harry, and my counts aren’t THAT high, he said it was pretty safe to say that I don’t have PCOS.
He theorizes that I am not releasing a very good egg each month. The way he explained it was all the follicles from the AFC are fighting for hormones and nutrients to become “the egg” that is released. Because I have so many, “the egg” isn’t getting all the hormones and nutrients that it needs. Dr. S did not explain this to me this way, I’m paraphrasing and probably doing a poor job at it.
Dr. S believes that if we can create a better ovulation, then I can be successful. I just hope that is true. This cycle we did the Clomid, Follistim, HCG Trigger, and now Progesterone. I hope that it works.
The problem with Chemical pregnancies is that they are supposedly so common, but all you can wonder is if you will ever have another healthy baby. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of research on them, and its hard to find people who have had multiple chemical pregnancies. You start to wonder – at least I do, what is wrong with you. You want to become pregnant again, but you are so scared that you will have another loss. I’m just praying that this cycle works and that we get our second child.

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend I left LC for the first time and went to have a much needed, long overdue, girls weekend. One of my best friends from college has a sister who lives up in DC so we met up there for the weekend. It was so nice to be able to hang out and relax, laugh, and just have a good time. Looking back we didn’t do a whole lot, but we seemed to be busy the entire time.
I got there Friday night and we that night we just went to dinner at a Greek restaurant. Saturday I got up and ran 4 miles (yay for me), and then we took a Segway tour around to see the monuments, the capital, and a few other sites. We used Smithsonian Tours by Segway and I thought our tour guide did a great job. We got there late, so he had to rush through our safety brief, but we picked it up pretty quick. There was a women there with her husband who was having the worst time and I just knew she was going to crash. Well, she didn’t, but I did. There was one part of the tour we had to go around a tight (in my opinion) corner and I didn’t make it. I went one way, the Segway went another. It was bad, but I survived.
After the tour we went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and then to the Holocaust Museum.  That was enough for me. After the four mile run, standing on a Segway for 3 hours, walking around two museums, and walking to and from the metro, my legs were DONE! Sunday we went to brunch at a nice place that had bottomless mimosas. HEAVEN!! We did a little shopping, and then just relaxed. Sunday night we headed to the National Harbor and then Monday I left. The whole weekend was amazing, but definitely went by to fast!
Mr. P and LC went home to my ILs for the weekend.  I don’t know what all they did, but I’m sure that LC had a blast playing with his cousins. I honestly can’t stand being around my SIL and her kids because I feel like LC and her youngest don’t play well together. They are both at the age where they really aren’t into sharing. Well, if her son takes a toy from mine it’s all good, but if LC takes a toy from her kid, she tries to make him give it back. The last time were all together was at the beach this weekend. I let a lot of shit slide that weekend in order to keep the peace, but I won’t next time.
I had called my MIL to give her LCs restrictions last Thursday, but I’m sure he ate something he wasn’t supposed to. He came back with diarrhea and a diaper rash. In fact his diaper rash was so bad that on Wednesday I took him to the doctor. It had gotten so bad that an infection had developed.  I sometimes don’t understand how that woman can have such a cavalier attitude when it comes to the safety of a child. Whenever I change LCs diaper I use A&D ointment. EVERY DIAPER CHANGE. At daycare, they use it at every diaper change. So, I don’t understand why she would feel (because I’m sure she was the one changing diapers) that my request for her to use it could or should be ignored. He’s not her child.
Anyway, after a day at home with mommy yesterday, some Rx cream, and a quick rinse off in the tub after every poopy diaper, he is doing better and back at daycare today. I felt so bad for him because every time we changed him he was in so much pain. I think even the water burned because he would just stand there and whine as I rinsed off his bum-bum and he was afraid to sit in the water. I am so glad he is doing better.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

I Love You

Yesterday LC said “I love you” to me. I had waited 17 months and 9 days to hear those words. I do not care that he repeats almost anything you say to him and that he was just likely repeating me, and therefore had no idea what he said. He absolutely melts my heart.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Sippy Cup Randomness

Because we are first time parents and because neither of us had really been around children I don’t think we realize how lucky we are when it comes to our little man. LC never really had an addiction to a pacifier. We (more me) decided at 6 months that he was done with the pacifier. I knew that when he moved up to the bigger baby classroom at his daycare he wouldn’t be allowed to have it, so I told them to just not give it to him starting at 6 months. He never really took to anyway, so that was not a hard thing for him to give up. Honestly, the reaction to him giving up the pacifier was my biggest fear in even giving him a pacifier to begin with, because I HATE seeing older toddlers who are still attached to their “binkies”.
When he turned one, I wanted him off the bottle. Unfortunately for me, his daycare at the time wouldn’t server breast milk in a sippy cup, so he had to keep taking a bottle at daycare. But, he only got it at daycare and only for his milk. Any other time, and all other liquids were given in a sippy cup. He never refused to take a sippy cup. In fact the only problem we had with sippy cups was that the liquid would come out too fast and it would choke him. As soon as we switched to his current school at 13 months, the bottle was gone!
When I weaned him and switched him to rice milk, he was fine. I didn’t even mix the rice milk with my breast milk, I just gave him a cup of rice milk. No issues! I didn’t realized until today that there are some babies who will refuse to drink certain liquids out of their sippy cups, or that they will only take milk out a certain type of sippy cup. I knew we had gotten lucky with the pacifier, and the bottle, but I didn’t realize how laid back of child we must really have.
While I am talking about sippy cups, I have to rave about the Tommy Tippee. I had heard parents rave about Tommy Tippee from the time LC was born. They would go on and on about how great these bottles were and how that was all their little one would take. I thought they were overrated and overpriced. While I hated washing all the parts of the Dr. Brown bottles, that is all I would use.
Since we have moved to the sippy cup, I have realized that spill proof doesn’t really mean spill proof. Up until this past weekend we had three types of sippy cup. Dr. Browns soft spout, and two different Nuks. I really liked the Dr. Brown sippy, but I felt that LC was ready to move on to something for an older toddler than the soft spout. The Nuk with the straw was okay but it sometimes leaked. The other Nuk, I don’t know what it’s called, but it became a daycare only cup for water. I refused to put breast milk in it because I knew the cup would leak and I wasn’t wasting my liquid gold.
Finally this past weekend I decided that we needed some new sippy cups. I gave into the hype and bought two Tommy Tippee truly spill proof drink cups, and I love them! They really are spill proof. It’s amazing! My only gripe is that I didn’t jump on the band wagon sooner.

Monday, August 26, 2013

CD 11 - First Monitoring Appt

I had my monitoring appointment this morning and all seems to be going well. Today is CD 11 for me and this morning at my appointment I had three good size follies, one at 16mm and two at 17mm. Dr. S said that if my E2 comes back good, then I will trigger tomorrow. I am super excited about this. I don’t know why, but I’m really optimistic about this cycle. I just have a really good feeling about this.
When I did my IUIs in the past, I never felt really good about them. I did three with this same practice before, but I never felt like they were timed right. My first one was the only one I felt was timed right. I did the clomid, then the follistim, triggered, and then had my IUIs the two following days. The second IUI cycle they triggered me on CD 13, and I O’d on CD 14. I’m pretty sure that I O’d on my own and then I had the inseminations on CD 14, and 15. I didn’t think that was timed very well. Our 3rd IUI cycle, I O’d the day of trigger and they only did one insemination the day after. I’m sure it was pointless at that point.
I just never got a good feeling in any of my previous cycles like I have now.  Plus, we were always using frozen sperm because they believed Mr. P had a low count. His count was low when it was last tested, but it’s not abnormally low and it obviously works because we have fertilized four eggs on our own.

Friday, August 23, 2013

With My Sister it Always Just Gets Better and Better

In a funny turn of events, my sister S called me last night. She was calling to apologize to me because she didn’t realize how much she had hurt me when I was pregnant. She said something about how she sees things differently now because she is going through the same thing. I guess she isn’t getting called as much as she thinks she should be by her friends or my other sisters and me. Well…. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that she’s a selfish bitch. Just because you are now pregnant and your life is good, doesn’t erase all the bad things that you did.
This is where it actually gets even funnier, so I admitted that it really did hurt and I told her how I felt like she never acknowledged my son. Her response…. We’ve talked about that before so she doesn’t understand how I feel like that. REALLY??? Aren’t you going through the same thing? Didn’t you just tell me that your friend isn’t all excited and asking questions about your pregnancy and yet you don’t understand why I feel that way? Well here’s a clue dumbass…during this conversation, you have YET to ask me about my son. In fact, she didn’t ask about him during the conversation at all.
I feel like the point of her call was a passive aggressive attempt to get me to call and be all excited for her pregnancy. Look, I’m happy for her and her life, but when you don’t give two shits about my life, why the fuck do I need to be your cheerleader?
The funniest thing about this whole conversation though, is that S didn’t even come to this “realization” about how much she had hurt me until my sister T pointed it out to her. S was actually complaining to T about this first and T kindly reminded her that she had done the same thing to me. S is so damn self-absorbed!

On a brighter note: I started my follistim today!! I have my ultrasound on Monday and I'm hoping for some great growing follies!!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

My FSH Meds Came Today

I am pretty excited about this because now everything is set to go. My REs office got everything taken care of in regards to my insurance on Tuesday, and then yesterday I got a call from the pharmacy to say that they got everything from the docs office, got my insurance stuff squared away, and they were ready to place the order.
This is the part where I almost shit a brick, she tells me how much my insurance covered and then gave me my remaining balance….$39! I about died! I cannot believe that my insurance covered the cost of the injectable meds. I thought I had remembered that would cover the cost for TI cycles, and I was praying it was true, and I guess it actually is! I am over the moon with joy about this.
Today, my meds arrive because the pharmacy overnights them, and I open the box, and I don’t have enough FSH! Dr. S had told me that I would be on 150 units of the Follistim for 4 days. I only got a 300 unit pen. So, I had to call the office and ask what was going on. Dr. S explained that he had told me 150, but decided to do 100 instead, but that the nurse was confused and ordered the wrong amount anyway. So, long story short they had to order me more meds.
I asked Dr. S if he was sure that I didn’t need the 150 and he said yes. He said the is hoping that I get 2-3 mature follicles based on my age. When we did the IUIs back in 2009 we only had 1-2 mature per cycle. So the increase in Follistim from 75 (back in 2009) to 100 now he believes will do the trick. Then he said sometimes the first stim cycle is kinda like a guessing game. I had to let him know that I only planned on doing this once!
 I actually feel better about doing a TI cycle than I ever did about doing an IUI. I know that’s weird, but it’s true. Even with the small hiccups with this cycle I am still feeling really good about it. I don’t know if it’s that I am more relaxed this time around, that I like how Dr. S has handled most things so far, or what, but I feel better. With my IUIs I felt that they were poorly timed. I didn’t like doing them the day of and the day after O. I always wanted them done the day before and the day of. I think doing the TI makes me feel better because I kinda feel like we have a little bit of control. Who knows. All I know is that I’m hopeful that this is going to work out this month!
So, the rest of my meds should arrive tomorrow and then I have my first US on Monday.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

After 17 months of EBF

After 17 months of being EBF, I am now done nursing my little man. We had our last nursing session Sunday night and this morning he finished off the rest of my freezer stash. Right around when LC turned one I stopped pumping at work. Honestly I hated doing it, and I had a pretty good freezer stash going anyway. Once he started sleeping through the night around 13 months, that is when we went down to two nursing sessions a day, morning and night, and I supplemented with my freezer stash. About three weeks ago I decided it was time to cut out the morning session and introduce cows milk.
Cutting out the morning session went fine, but introducing the cows milk did not. We noticed blood in his poop again so we had to eliminate obvious dairy for him.  I am glad that I was able to nurse him so long, but also sad that we are done. To me this was the last bridge for him to cross from being my little baby to being my toddler. I thought it was going to be hard on him, but he doesn’t seem to care less. He has taken to the rice milk and  appears to have forgotten all about mama’s milk.
I also feel somewhat guilty that I am weaning him now because part of the reason is that I am going to be on a mediated cycle this month to TTC#2. I know that 17months is a long time, but I really wanted to go 18months. But, at the same time, I always felt like breastfeeding had a part to play in my miscarriages. Like my body was drained enough trying to support LC, and I and it couldn’t sustain a pregnancy also. I don’t know, my ob/gyn says that the two aren’t related but I wonder if that’s true or not in my case.
I am just so hopeful for this cycle. I truly feel in my heart that this cycle is going to be it. I feel like I’m finally going to get my 2nd baby.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Good to Go

Dr. S’s nurse just called back and I am at least good to start my clomid today! I am supposed to start my FSH on CD 9 and then come in for a check on CD 10 or 11. I don’t know if everything will be good to go to start the FSH on time, but for today, all systems are a go!

Now I Wait

I had somehow forgotten all the waiting around that is involved with fertility treatment cycles. Friday when I went in Dr. S did my ultrasound and said that I had an AFC (antri-follicle count – I think) of 13 on my left and 18 on my right. I think he counted a few on the right twice, so I really think that number is closer to 13 also, but what do I know. I got my script for clomid, and I’m ready to go… or so I thought. Because of the CP I had I had to get my betas checked to ensure that the pregnancy hormone was out of my system. Well, my beta came back at a 10. Today I had to get it checked again to see if it is below 5 or not. So, at lunch I went to the ghetto lab by my office and got my blood drawn. Now I wait…. I wait for a phone call to let me know if I am able to start my meds tonight or if I have to wait until tomorrow. I guess I should have checked this, but I also don’t know what my insurance coverage is. I am pretty sure that Aetna will cover some part of my treatment cycle and will pick up the rest. This is what I am hoping. If I remember correctly will cover some costs associated with a TI cycle so that is why I am choosing to go this route.
My REs office just called…. I now understand how why women are so stressed out during the middle of a cycle. On Friday I was told if the beta came back negative today start the meds. The nurse just calls, tells me its negative, and then to call back when I was ready to start treatment. Umm, WTF! I didn’t just do a treatment cycle. Wouldn’t that be in my chart? Now I’m beginning to stress out and wonder if I’m going to be able to cycle this month, or if I’m going to be pushed out another month. This irritates me.  

Friday, August 16, 2013

RE appointment Today

So I had my first appointment with the RE in over two years today. It was strange. As I was getting off of the elevator about to walk into their office, I was telling myself that the last time I was in that office I had gotten great news and I wanted to leave their office for the last time with good news again, on the same high note.

So my appointment today was with Dr. S. He is from Duke and is new to the practice. Dr. R retired sometime last year and Dr. S is the new partner. He has the most amazing bedside manner and is very thorough. We went over my history and he went over in detail, the results of my RPL panel. Unfortunately for me my RPL panel all came back within normal limits, so there wasn't anything that we could or really would change due to the results of the RPL.

He discussed what other tests he would like to run such as a thyroid antibody test and another test - the name I can't remember - which would test to see if my body reacts to gluten. Honestly I didn't see the reason to run either of those test. The thyroid test he said would just be information because there wouldn't be a protocol change and the other test I can just go gluten free now as that would be change if that result came back positive.

The reason I wanted to go to see the RE was because I wanted to know where to go next. What options did we have. Mr. P and I had discussed trying on our own for two more months and then going back for a FET if we weren't successful. That was until we had another CP. After this pregnancy ended also, we needed to increase our chances of being successful on our own.

I wanted to try up to two medicated timed intercourse cycles prior to doing a FET, and Dr. S agreed. He did say that we could start right away since I started bleeding this morning. He did an ultrasound to ensure I was cyst free and then said we could start the cycle....

and then ....

he remembered that I had a CP this cycle, so he said that I needed to have my blood work done to ensure my betas dropped before we could start. I really didn't think I was going to end up getting my betas this cycle, but I guess I did. My beta came back at a 10 and I can't start any meds until it is less than 5. So, I have to have it drawn Monday to see if it has dropped. I am hoping that the lab by my house can get their shit together and get the test done and sent to Dr. S on Monday. I doubt it though. That lab is so fucked up. So, I likely won't be able to start anything until Tuesday. Part of me just wants to drive up to the REs office Monday and get the labs done up by their office, but I don't know
if I can do that.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

My Sister

My Sister
This post if really just a vent:
 My sister was fucking bitch to me from the moment she found out I was pregnant until last Sunday when she told me she was pregnant. My son is 16 month and 4 weeks old.  
1.       She never said congratulations, she instead bitched about the way I told her I was pregnant. Mr. P announced it when we were BOTH sitting side by side (he and I) on skype. She felt it should have come out of my mouth.
2.       Oh, and it wasn’t right of me to wait until I was 13 weeks to tell her.
3.       When I called to tell her I was having a boy (first in our family) her response “I know, dad already told me”.  Again, not congrats, not I’m happy for you, NOTHING.
4.       Anytime I talked to her when I was pregnant, she NEVER asked me how I was doing, or how the pregnancy was –
5.       She did fly in to come to by baby shower  - which was weird – but she never gave me my gift. She didn’t bring it to the baby shower, and instead left in the baby’s closet and I FOUND it after she left. She never told me she got it for me.
6.       Once LC arrived, she didn’t call me for a few months, and when she would call she wouldn’t ask about him.
During this process, I started to appease her, and I wouldn’t bring up my pregnancy when I talked to her, and I never really brought up LC on the phone after he was born. Occasionally she would mention him, but I never did it first. Starting about January, I started to send out a lot of text pics of LC to my sisters and mom. One day I got a text from her stating something to the effect of why was it that  every time she text me I wouldn’t acknowledge what she said, but I would instead reply with a pic of my kid.
I almost fainted when I read that. I only sent pics of LC out in group messages, and I would never send them as a response. Just if I took a pic, I would send it. ANYTIME she sent out a group message or sent me an individual message, I would and do respond if a response appears warranted. In fact in the prior week, I could (and at the time did) look back at my phone and see two LENGTHY conversations between the two of us. One just her and I about her TTC process, and the other was a group message (that I was the only one responding to) about how she was dying from a cold.
So, now that she is pregnant, I guess everything is kosher. She has sent out three text messages today alone about her pregnancy. I am fine with her being pregnant. I am happy for her because I know how badly she wanted this. That is not my problem. My problem is that when she really hurt me when I was pregnant. She knew how hard we had tried and all that we had done (the IUIs and IVFs). She treated my son as if he didn’t exist and for me, the straw that broke the camel’s back was the text she sent me in January.
After that, I basically stopped talking to her. I had no room in my life for someone who couldn’t acknowledge my son. He had done nothing to her and I determined it to be her loss. Now that she is pregnant and she knows about our two losses, I don’t want her to think that I’m distant because I’m jealous because I’m not jealous of her, or her situation. The reality is, that our relationship just isn’t magically fixed because YOU got pregnant. She REALLY hurt me. I tried to explain this to her when I was pregnant, and she just didn’t get it. I started to let it go then, but I was done after January. I don’t feel bad because I have thought about this long and hard. I have decided that if we weren’t sisters, this is not someone I would choose to have in my life.
She has been trying to have a baby for years. She tried for a long time with her last boyfriend, and she had been trying with her husband for over a year – as I said, I am not jealous of her or her situation. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, you would think she would have been over the moon with joy and excitement. Instead she bitched for 90% of the time we were on the phone about any and everything. Really, what the fuck are you complaining about!? Be happy. Be happy that you have what you have desired for so long. Who the fuck cares that your FIL told the family, who cares that there are people in your work parking lot sunbathing, who cares that your MIL got out a bassinet? YOUR PREGNANT after YEARS of trying! She is just such a negative person and I don’t want to be around that.
We grew up in a very negative house, and I have a tendency to be negative also. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want LC to grow up looking at the glass as half empty. I don’t want him to think that his mother is a negative nancy.
So, my vent is basically over. My only problem now is that I don’t know how to move forward with her. I don’t want her to think that I’m avoiding her or talking to her because she’s pregnant and I’m not. In fact, if she would take the time to look back at phone records, she would see that we haven’t talked/texted very often since January and that nothing has changed. I just know that she is not going to see it that way. She is selfish and she is going to see it as I’m mad because she has what I don’t.
For me that is NOT the case. Two of my other sisters have also become pregnant and had babies during my struggles to have my first. I was for them, and I am for her, truly excited. I have never once acted funny towards them because they were pregnant and I wasn’t. Before I found out T was pregnant I did jokingly say to U that T shoudn’t be selfish and have another one when I needed one, but I was kidding.
Last part of my vent.
When S – the sister this is about, told me she was pregnant she said that I was the last to find out because someone had told her about my MC and that they didn’t think I would take the news well. When she told my mom that, my mom told her (according to her) that she didn’t think it would bother me. My mom was right. What happens in someone else’s UTE does NOT affect what happens in mine. I am smart enough to know that. However, when I told U I was pregnant, U told me that her first thought was that she didn’t think S would take it well.
This furthers my belief that S acted the way she did when I was pregnant because she was jealous, and that is why everything is okay now, because she is having her baby. Unfortunately, the damage is done, and everything is not okay.

Next Step

I decided yesterday that it was time to go back to the RE. I have always said thought that we would try for one year and if we didn’t conceive on our own, then we would go back for them. I always knew that I didn’t want to leave VA without transferring my embryos, but I never thought we would be moving before our year of TTC#2 was up. Well, Mr. P got notified that he is going to come down on orders in December/January timeframe, so we are moving.
With what is going on now, we have decided that we will try on our own for two more cycles and then go back to get our embies. I am hoping that we can do a medicated TI cycle for both of those two cycles in hopes of maybe increasing the number and quality of eggs that I release.  I know that many people would rather choose to use their frozen embies first but that is not what I want to do. The IVF coordinator for my RE told me yesterday that if we choose that course of action that she has never had anyone choose to do that before.
I can understand that, but I am just so hesitant to do a FET first for so many reasons:
1.       IVF didn’t work for us
2.       We seem to be getting pregnant on our own so MAYBE timed intercourse will work
3.       Our insurance will cover a timed intercourse cycle
4.       We are OOP for the FET and I will be without a job once we move
5.       IVF didn’t work for us!
I am so scared, but I am really hopeful about this for some reason. I feel like going to the RE and doing another physical will ensure my parts are working, and I feel like the medicated cycle will help produce better quality eggs. I am confident that this will work. IT HAS TO!! I am truly putting all my faith into being in a successful pregnancy when we leave VA.