We Have a Walker

LC is officially walking! He took his first steps on March 16th. He took about three in a row towards Mr. P. Then he didn't really do anything for a couple of days. On his birthday, the 19th, he started taking five steps in a row. Since the 19th, he's been taking five steps towards something here and there, but mostly if we positioned him. Now he taking off on his own and walking from one objective to the next.
It is so cute to see him toddling about. He is just so tiny and so proud of himself. It's also amazing to see how excited he gets with his new found freedom. I love it.

I think we are moving. Again.

The house we are living in now is just too far from where we work. I had to get up at 3:30 this morning so I could get in by 6:00. Of course I was late because seriously, who can get up and get moving at 3:30 in the morning? Not this girl! Since we are just renting we are looking into paying out our lease and moving. I'm going to be happy to get closer to work, but I'm nervous about changing LC's daycare. I think the place he goes right now is a good fit for our family. They are good with LC and he seems to enjoy it there. I know a lot of the staff and their turnover is pretty low which says a lot in that kind of environment.

There is no center that I have found that is even accredited in this area. I am not saying that LC HAS to go to an accredited center, but I would rather him go to an accredited center where I know there is a curriculum. I don’t know, maybe that’s stupid, but it would make me feel better.  I totally think this is the working mommy guilt in me coming out. It’s as if I feel like if he is going to be away from me, he has to be at some private hoighty toighty daycare where they are grooming him to attend Harvard.

Birthday Party Success

LC’s birthday party was this weekend and it was a huge success if I must say so myself. We didn’t throw a big party or anything but it was the first party I have ever planned by myself and I am very proud of how it turned out. My theme was Vintage Farm. I originally planned on having the whole party outside and setting up a table with food and dessert, a couple of bales of hay for decoration and using a wheel barrow for drinks.

The weather however did not want to cooperate, and it was pretty chilly on Saturday. It was warm enough to be outside, but not warm enough to be comfortable out there for two hours. Plus, we didn’t think about how we don’t have lawn chairs or outside seating for our guests. So we ended up having the party inside.

I really wanted to do a lot of stuff myself for LC’s birthday, but honestly, with the miscarriage I lost focus this month. I didn’t plan things out ahead of time enough, and I ended up doing everything at the last minute. It sucked and I WILL NOT do that again next year. I figure that next year will probably be the last year that I get to plan his party without much input from him so I want MY THEMES to come out just as I envision. Which means that I will have to use my lessons learned from this year to make next years party easier on me.

Here are some pics from LCs party. Just like how Sandra L.ee is Se.mi Homemade, I feel that this party was Semi DYI. I got the designs for his party decor from 3Littlemonkeys. I then printed them out and used them how I wanted. I really wanted to have milk bottles with straws, but I don’t really know how well that works for 1 year olds. Plus milk bottles are EXPENSIVE!! I just couldn’t see spending that much on décor for a party. Because that’s exactly what it would have been décor. I like the idea of the milk bottles as I feel that they add to the vintage look, so I MAY consider them for next year. I just don’t know how I feel about 2 year olds having glass milk bottles.

Anyway, here are my few lessons learned along with some tips that I need to write down or I’ll forget then when it comes to planning his party next year. I didn't take any pics outside of the wheel barrow and hay, or the other food table which was really cute as well. I actually don't have as many pics as I thought I did :(

1.       Pick my theme early

2.       Order DYI décor at least 60 days out so that I can work on one project a week

3.       Have more activities for younger kids

4.       Don’t plan activities for the morning of the party

5.       Set up the party the night before (did this)

6.       Place order for cake 3 weeks ahead of party (did this)

7.       Pick a time for the party where a meal isn’t expected 2-4 (did this)

8.       Shop for decorations locally before ordering online at the last minute and end up paying more for shipping and handling than the actual decoration

79

That is what my beta came back at yesterday. In a sad way I am relieved. My body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. I have to go back in a week to get it tested again. My parents are coming into town for LC birthday and will be here next week. My parents live pretty far away from me and all my sisters so at the beginning of last cycle I thought it would be neat that if I got pregnant I would be just about 8 weeks when they came to visit. That meant that they might be able to go to my appointment with me and see their grandbaby on the ultrasound. This would have been especially meaningful to my mom (in my opinion) because they didn't do that when she was pregnant with us. Well, now they can come to the doctors with me, but the appointment will be a lot less exciting and we will only find out that I'm not pregnant anymore.
My doctor wants us to use protection for the next two months. I think that is insane, but I'm emotionally not ready to get pregnant again so I guess its okay. I know that right now is not the time for us to get pregnant but it doesn't make that strong desire that I have go away. I seriously don't understand it, but I have the strongest desire to have a healthy pregnancy. I don't know why that is. Personally I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling that my getting pregnant so quickly this time was a fluke. We tried for so long to get pregnant on our own before we were blessed with LC for it to have happened so quickly was crazy. Part of me feels like I have to know this wasn't a fluke and that somehow amazingly I have been cured of my infertility. But does that happen? Or was LC the fluke? What if I have pretty crappy eggs and LC really was the fluke? I don't know. I guess I will continue to take the royal jelly and hope that in this summer I am able to get pregnant again with our final take home baby.

Miscarriage

I never thought that would be a word I typed to describe something that had happened to me, but it is. I found out Saturday, March 2^nd,  I was expecting out second child. I was over the moon. I had been tracking my ovulation but not really full on charting. We haven’t used protection in our entire 7 year marriage and had only gotten pregnant once.  We had done 5 fertility treatments (3 IUI’s, and 2 IVF’s) which had failed. We weren’t that couple that got pregnant. But we were, and we did. I couldn’t believe it.

Immediately I felt different this time around. It’s crazy because before I had taken the test, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Unlike with LC I had symptoms of this pregnancy almost right away. I was even convinced that it was going to be a girl because things were so different. I was nauseous, emotional, and exhausted immediately. So, at what I thought was 17DPO, I tested with a digital and my suspicions were confirmed. The next day I went out and bought some FRER’s because I wanted to see the super dark line. I tested, and the line was there, it popped up right away, but it wasn’t as dark as I thought it should be. Immediately I knew something was wrong. By 17 DPO I should have enough HCG in my system that the test line should be way darker than the control line, but it wasn’t.

Monday I called the OB’s office to make my appt and I asked about some weird pulling that I felt on my left side. The nurse told me it was normal but to keep an eye on it. Tuesday the pain was worse so I called back. The nurse said that my doctor would draw my blood to get my blood HCG (beta) to see if the numbers were appropriate for how far along I was, and they would check it again in two days to see if it was increasing properly.

So I get to the office and I find out that I was also going to be having an ultrasound. I was pretty excited about this because my real thought process was that I was probably just overeacting to all of this, that everything was fine, but I was excited to see my little baby so soon. Well they start the ultrasound and there is no sac to be seen. Granted, I am super early, 4w6d, but I know that there should be something there. There isn’t. My beta comes back at 214. I know that is to low for how far along I am. Thursday’s beta comes back at 309. I know it’s over. They want me to come back Monday for another beta, it’s 360. I started bleeding Monday night. By Tuesday I am full on bleeding and I started having contractions Tuesday night. I am heartbroken. Wednesday (yesterday) I have to go in for an ultrasound and another beta. I am waiting those results.

This has been so hard on me. I now realize that before this happened to me I could not have possibly understood what goes on with someone when they suffer a pregnancy loss. I know that the only thing that is getting me through this, is LC. I am BLESSED to have a happy healthy one year old that I get to go home to every night. I could not imagine if this had been my first pregnancy. If it had been, I don’t know how I would have gone on. I’m serious. This is devastating. I don’t care if it was so early, and I don’t care if I never saw something on the screen. This has been super hard on me.

I don’t know how most women deal with this but in my crazy head, I feel as though the only way to heal from this, is to get pregnant again. Which is crazy because we weren’t really trying to get pregnant this time. I was aware that I could, but with our history I didn’t think it would happen. We aren’t going to try again anytime soon. We will be whipping out the ole’ condoms, but I still feel the need to be pregnant again with my final take home baby. However I am scared to get pregnant again. I am scared to go through this again, and I don’t want to go through this again. Maybe I should just be grateful for the blessing that I have.

I know that within the next year I will try again. But I also know that mentally I am not ready right now. Our marriage took a hit during my baby blues and we are working on rebuilding us right now. Also, I want to enjoy more time with just LC. But I do want LC to have at least one sibling. I always wanted to start TTC again when LC was one, and see what happened. If after a year we weren’t pregnant then we could try with the frozen embryos that we have. So, maybe now we wait till LC is 15 months and we go from there. Guess I’ll know better in June.

OMG - It's been a while!

As I sit here and type this I cannot believe that it has been over a year since I’ve updated and also almost a whole year since I’ve had a baby!! Blogging is my release in some ways and I believe that is why I have found my way back to my blog. This blog is titled Under Construction Happily Ever After because Happily Ever After is a work in progress, and the past couple of months for me have been trying. But I am here, and I am surviving.

So, where to start…. Well on March 19^th, 2012 at 5:29pm I welcomed into the world LCSW! He was a beautiful gorgeous little boy who was born with at full head of hair. I guess what they say about heartburn is true. At least it was for me. When LC came home our world changed and we quickly learned that we were no longer in charge, but it was the best blessing ever. Unfortunately we found out that LC had severe acid reflux, was Milk Soy Protein Intolerant (MSPI), and had Delayed Gastric Emptying (DGE). Unfortunately for both us and LC was that we found this out because LC would cry inconsolably for hours and would constantly spit up.  Fortunately, we were able to get him on medicine, change my diet (I was breastfeeding) and all has gotten so much better.

I was fortunate enough that I got to stay home with LC for almost 5 months. I went back to work on August 6^th and that is when I noticed the changes in me. I am pretty sure that I had the post baby blues and I just never realized it. I tried so hard to put on this façade that life was great and that I was doing fantastic, but the truth is I was struggling big time. When I went back to work, it all just fell apart. I became hostile to those around me because I didn’t know how to accept the changes in my life and therefore the relationships with those around me suffered. All relationships, those with friends, family, co-workers, and my marriage suffered as well. I know this isn’t a great backstory, but it is what it is. So, I will go on from here (hopefully daily) with my truth.