Light of our Lives

It really just amazes me how much LC changes and how fast these changed occur. I think back to how he was exactly one year ago and I just can’t believe he has changed so much in a year. He has learned to talk, walk, run, be devious, and grown so independent,  all while staying the light of our lives.

LC has started to put two words together in order to form “sentences”. This just started this past weekend, and all he says is “daddy truck” for daddy’s truck. It’s cute. But the amount of stuff that little boy knows is amazing. Yesterday morning I dropped him off at school and when I did I told him to go sit by Brooke (a little girl in his class), and he did. This morning I told him not to take his shoes off so he does, and then says “mommy” and shows me with his little devious smile. Every day I am truly amazed by how sponge like he is and everything he is learning.

We have also started potty training LC. I know that many people think it’s way too early for him to be potty training, but I disagree.  Back in the 50’s most children were potty trained by 18 months and it wasn’t until disposable diapers came around that children started training later and later. We aren’t stupid, we know that LC won’t be trained in a month, or even two, but we feel that by starting him off early and going slowly we will have it done by hopefully June or July. Since his DC isn’t interested in helping us train him, right now we are just taking him to the potty before bath time. We started this right around the time he turned 18 months and so far he has gone four or five times. That may not sound like much, but we have to start somewhere.  Once we have that somewhat mastered, we will start going first thing in the morning.

LC’s Daycare

I don’t know if I have mentioned it here before or not, but I can’t stand my son’s daycare. Why then, you ask, do I send him there? Well, because 6 months ago we moved to be closer to our jobs since we were both commuting over an hour one way to work every day.  Unfortunately we now live close to a military base in a not so nice town, and this is the best option in the area that we live in. This center is supposedly accredited and is the closest fit to his old daycare, so we went with it. And I HATE it. Previously LC was at a Primrose and I loved it. Now he is at a Goddard, and I hate it.

I don’t feel like the teachers at this daycare interact with the kids as much as they did at Primrose, every time I go in to pick him up, the teachers are sitting down and the kids are playing on their own. I never see the teachers playing with the kids. He has one teacher in particular who is always sitting down barking at the kids. If they are doing something wrong, she doesn’t get up, she just yells at them across the room. Goddard doesn’t provide any linens for the kids, and it grosses me out that they sleep on mats on the floor. Really, do raised cots cost that much?

They do not provide lunch at our school, and they don’t heat up what we bring for our child. So, I guess they don’t care that children don’t eat warm nutritious meals. They do provide two snacks, and their snacks are such items such as oatmeal cookies and juice, animal crackers and juice, wheat thins and water, trail mix. Where is the fruit/vegetable and protein? Then, the “art” they do with the kids is laughable. They just give them construction paper and makers. REALLY, does it take that much time to look up art projects to do with a one year old online?

Thank goodness we are moving soon because I can’t STAND him going to this daycare.

I am Just Pissed Off

I am so so pissed off right now. I am so mad and angry that this is happening to me. I truly felt that I had endured my share of losses. Although I felt as if this could happen when my betas didn't double properly, after our first ultrasound where we saw the yolk sac, and our second where we saw the heartbeat I thought everything was going to be okay. I was fooled into thinking that I would be a mom to another baby. I believed that LC would be a big brother. I stupidly imagined ways to announce our pregnancy to others.
But none of that is going to happen. I will not be having another baby in May. I will not be taking a cute photo in November when we do our family photo with our feet and an extra pair of shoes. LC will not be becoming a big brother, and I am heartbroken. I know that I am lucky to have LC in my life, and I am truly grateful, but I would like to have another child and I feel like that is just too much to ask God for. Maybe I have run out of prayer requests.
I have always felt that I had an egg quality issue and I feel that way even more so now. We have had three chemical pregnancies which are most likely caused by a chromosomal issue and now an enlarged yolk sac which is also indicative of a chromosomal issue. We have had karotype testing done on both of us, and it both of our results came back normal. I know this does not 100% lead to an egg issue, but at this point I'm convinced of it.
I am really just so hurt right now. I have no idea where to go from here, but I know that I'm not finished trying to have a second child. I honestly feel like our family is not yet complete and that a second child would make our family feel complete. But I am also coming to the realization that we may not have another child. As painful as that is, I am finally starting to see that could be our reality and it hurts so bad to even think that.
Realizing that makes me look back at the last year and a half with LC and wish that I had soaked it in more. Although, honestly, in the past year and a half with him I have only left him once so it's not like I've neglected him or spending time with him, but I wish I would have stopped to enjoy it more, instead of focusing on what I was or wasn't doing right as a mom. He's a perfectly happy, normal, loved little boy, and he is just the highlight of my life. I guess I just wanted to share the love we have for him with another child and I really pray that we get to one day.
So, where do we go from here....
Right now it is just to early to tell. Unfortunately we are up against a timeline because we are moving in January. We will likely try to move on as quickly as possible with an FET of some of the 5 frozen embryos that we have, but we won't know for a while when that will be. I am guessing December. Lovely, now I will likely get to cycle around the holidays. Yay!

Enlarged Yolk Sac

Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been very optimistic, but I have thought deep in the back of my head that I was going to have a missed miscarriage. Not because I want to have one, but because everything from the get go that I googled had outcomes that led to that. Almost all the cases that saw on the internet with slower doubling beta times ended in a MMC. They always had one or two ultrasounds where they saw a heartbeat, but then at a follow-up U/S there wasn't one. I prayed that this wouldn't be the case for me too, but it looks like that may be the path I am headed for and I am so scared and heartbroken.

When I went to the bathroom this morning and wiped there was bright red blood on the toilet paper. I thought I would wait it out and decided if I saw it again I would call the RE. However, I decided to call anyway because I would rather be safe than sorry. They asked me to go ahead and come in, so I did. When I got there Dr. S did an U/S and let me know that everything looked fine and that the reason for the bleed was likely due to have intercourse yesterday morning.

Here is where the concern comes in. Every time I have an ultrasound Dr. S measures the CRL of the embryo, the FHR, and the YS size. When he gets to the YS he says that the YS should measure less than 8 mm. Well Monday during my routine U/S at 6w4d my YS was measuring 4mm. Today at 7w0d it was measuring 6.33 mm. Unfortunately everything I have read online points to this leading to a miscarriage. First the sac is to large. It should not grow larger than 6mm. Second, the sac has grown too much in 3 days. The embryo is not getting nutrients from the YS if it is growing at that rate. I am heartbroken.

I am just so upset. I just don't understand why God would let me get this far to just have it all end. I am so BLESSED to have LC but I guess I am just not supposed to have any more children. Our last chance seems to be with the frozen embryos that we have but with all that is going on with our job and the move I don't know if now is really the right time to implant them. But I'm not getting any younger and evidently I have really bad eggs.

I have to go back for another U/S on Monday and possibly Friday. This is just bullshit. I am not a bad person why do bad things just keep happening to me? I love my son so much, and I just really wanted to be able to give him a sibling and now I don't know if that will ever happen. I am so hurt right now. I honestly thought I had endured enough.

Government Shutdown

All I can say about this is wow! I never believed that it would come to this. Honestly, I am a bit jealous that some employees are going to get a paid vacation. Yes, I do not know if it will be paid or not, but I think that it would be extremely shitty not to pay people. Especially after the 11 days we were already furloughed earlier this year. But right now, I am not furloughed, so I still have to go to work. So I am a bit jealous that I don’t get a break also. I will not be so jealous if they do not go back and pay people. I would be pissed about that. I think it’s a very shitty way to treat your employees, because YOU can’t get your shit together.  

6weeks and 5 days

Currently I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. This is the furthest I have been since I was pregnant with LC. We had our second ultrasound yesterday and we were able to see the little one’s heart beating away at 124 bpm. Honestly that was such a relief and a huge weight off my shoulders that lasted all of about 24 hours. Today I am back to panicking and going to the bathroom and determining that I am spotting again didn’t help. We go back next week for another ultrasound. Dr. S said that next week the heart rate needs to have increased to around 140 bpm. If the heart rate increases and everything still looks okay than we will be released to Dr. D.