I am So Upset

For some dumb reason I decided that I needed to POAS today to see if the control line was darker than the test line. I am 17 DPO today. When I was 17 DPO with Lincoln I tested for the first time and the control line was so dark that it pulled the dye from the test line. Today I tested, and the line only just as dark as the test line. This is what happened during my first chemical pregnancy. I just don't understand why this continues to happen to me.

I have little to absolutely no faith left in God. I don't understand how this can keep happening to someone. I don't understand what I've done wrong. I am a good person and a great mom. I don't deserve this. I really want another child, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to happen. I was so hopeful for this cycle. More hopeful than I had ever been. When I found out it worked I was still hopeful. When I got my 2nd beta results back, they were lower than what I wanted and I started to lose a little faith, but I was still hopeful. The more I looked online and researched the more comfortable I felt. Then I took that fucking test this morning and I lost my shit.

This is just unreal. What the fuck is wrong with my body? I am just so lost right now. I just can't believe this continues to happen to me with no resolution in sight. I don't even know what to do or where to go next because this is not something that happens to people over and over. We cannot afford through another fresh IVF cycle. I don't want to use up our frozen embies if there is something wrong with my body. I just really don't know what to do at this point. I just know that I am hurting. I am really hurting over this.

I am greatful everyday that I have a beautiful little boy, but it still hurts so bad that I won't ever have another child.