I Gave In

I gave in and tested yesterday at 10DPO. I hate testing early. I had no reason to test, I have felt no “symptoms” and I knew it would be a BFN. I knew that if I saw a BFN it could be too early, it could ruin my day, I would just get all negative about this cycle, but I tested anyway. Imagine my surprise when it came back positive. I was in shock. I am in shock. I am also scared. Finally, I am mad at myself for testing early. I knew that I had to test this week because I am taking progesterone and if I’m not pregnant it could delay my cycle. I was supposed to test on Thursday.  If my test was positive then I would call my RE’s office and they would request a beta.

I am scared, but I am really hopeful. I don’t know why I can’t explain it, but I am really hopeful about this cycle. I pray that this will be the baby that God allows us to take home.  So, yesterday we were in DC and my parents were there. So although I know I shouldn’t, I am just so excited, I tell my mom. BIG MISTAKE. She replies with let’s wait and see what happens. So I ask why she just can’t be happy for me and she says something like she was excited last time and it didn’t work out. I fucking wanted to slap her. So I said, that I still think that she should be excited and if it doesn’t work out, then next time she gets excited also, and so on. I really wanted to fucking punch her.  What the fuck does she think this does to me? Who the fuck does she think I have to talk to when shit like this happens? I guess not her. As mad as she mad me, I am proud of myself for not allowing her to ruin my day.

What did she do? She did add extra anxiety to me about testing so early and about having another CP. I really hate that I dumb enough to think that my mom would be supportive and say something worthwhile to me about this. Something like “I’m happy for you guys, and we’re all going to stay positive that everything will be fine this time”, or “I know you’re worried after what’s happened, but just take it easy and have faith”. I don’t really know. Anything positive would have been nice. But for her to say that she was excited last time and it didn’t work, I just wanted to punch her. What kind of emotional roller coaster does that bitch think I’ve been on?