Mommy Fitness: 2 weeks 3 days Post Partum

I have decided that since I didn't post much about my pregnancy, I want to make sure I document my post-pregnancy recovery so that I can at least remember that. I know that this was my last pregnancy and I also know that this is going to be a struggle for me that I want to remember so that I can be proud of myself.
So, with LC I lost all of my weight in 8 weeks. I can already tell you that is not going to happen this time. It is two weeks and I am only down 20 pounds. My highest pregnancy weight was about 222, and I am currently 201. I was hoping to be less than 200 right now, but that hasn't happened.
I can honestly say that with LC I felt like shit for the first two weeks and was in a lot of pain. I couldn't walk for more than about 10-15 minutes without feeling intense pain in my lady region. This time around I have felt amazing! Once my epidural wore off I was able to walk around and I didn't even require pain medication in the hospital. I started walking Sunday. I am not yet walking every day, but I have walked three times this week so far, and I plan on walking again today. I'm not walking very fast, or far, but it's better than nothing. The only annoying thing is that I because the street we live on is not paved, I have to put the kids in the car and drive to a trail we can walk on. It's much easier to do when Mr. P is here, but 5 days out of the week he is not. Also, it has gotten pretty hot here so we have to go EARLY so that it's not to hot for SJ. One good thing is that we have decided that one day a week LC will go to hourly daycare on post. This will allow him to have time with other kids, me time to bond alone with SJ, me time to nap when SJ is napping, and finally a break from me having both kids all day. So, on those days (today is the first one) I plan on walking on our treadmill in the afternoon. This way I don't have to worry about not getting out the door so early.

So here are my my fitness goals for post partum week 3-4. I don't see the point of doing week 2-3 since I am almost over halfway done with it.

1. Drink more water
2. Quit my new found starburst addiction
3. Walk 5 days

SJs Birth Story

On Sunday May 11th, Mother's Day 2014, I had determined that I was going to go to bed early because I was so tired. LC goes to bed at 7:30 and I had told Mr. P that I was going to go to bed immediately after LC went down. So I was pretty excited when I was in bed at 7:41 pm. I had my Ipad with me because Mr. P and I had decided that we really needed to come up with a name for this baby boy. So we went over a few names and about 8:30 we finally came to a decision. Mr. P and I were watching TV and around 9:40 I decided that I had had enough and that it was time for me to go to sleep. I went to roll over and I felt a sudden gush of discharge. I turn to Mr. P and said "either I just pee'd myself, or my water just broke". Honestly, I thought it was the former as I didn't hear the "pop" I hear so many women speak of when they say their water breaks. So Mr. P asks if I'm sure and I said that I wasn't. I didn't know. So I sat on the edge of the bed afraid to get up, and when I did, there was a wet spot on the bed so I told him I was pretty sure, but still not 100%, but we should probably go to the hospital. So I called my mom and asked her if she wanted me to bring LC to her house, or if she wanted to come to mine. She asked me to bring LC over there so I jumped in shower while Mr. P packed up LC and the dog and off we went.
We got to the hospital a bit after 10:00 and I was fully admitted by 10:30. While I was admitted to the hospital and my water had broken, my nurse let me know that I might get sent home. This was a shock to me because once your water breaks you usually only have 24 hours to deliver. She checked with the on-call doctor and I wasn't leaving. Since I wasn't leaving and I had issues with my epidural not working with LC, I asked for my epidural. The nurse suggested that since I wasn't really having contractions yet that it might be best for me to wait on the epidural until I was uncomfortable. - I still don't understand that, because why the fuck do I WANT to get uncomfortable? But, like a dumbass I listened to her.
Around 2:00 am my contractions had started to pick up so I again asked for the epidural. The nurse checked me told me I was at a 3, 75%, but baby was still really high, so she suggested again that I wait. It was also at this time that she informed me that the dr wanted to start me on pitocin because I was progressing so slowly. I was okay with it, but I wanted my epidural first because I knew how fast I progressed with LC on the Pit and my epidural didn't really work and I didn't want that situation again. My nurse told me that the pit was going to be on the lowest dose, it would take an hour to work, and she would call the anesthesiologist to come as soon as she was done with the emergency c-section that they were doing.  So at 3:00 they started the pitocin. Prior to starting the pit I was able to rest between my contractions but around 3:27, that stopped. I told my nurse that I was uncomfortable and I needed my epidural. Unfortunately everyone was still tied up in that c-section. I was getting pissed and looking over at Mr. P sleeping peacefully didn't help.
4:30 I finally got my epidural and I was so disappointed when they checked me and I was only at 4 cm, and the baby was still really high. Once I got my epidural I laid on my left side and was able to relax. Around 6:00 I noticed that my right side seemed to be feeling everything but my left side was numb. I asked the nurse about this and she contacted the anesthesiologist. Apparently laying on my left side allowed the medicine to pool on that side so they flipped me to my right side and gave me some more drugs, but I was in an extreme amount of pain (on one side of my body) by this point.
I don't remember who it was, but at this point someone had the bright idea to check me. I was already at a 9, and baby was fully engaged. Since I was moaning and groaning in pain I asked if the pain would let up when I was complete and was sad to find out they don't. Evidently I had forgotten that you push with each contraction. So, they got everything ready and by 6:28 I was doing my "practice pushes". At 6:35 the doctor came in and I asked for the mirror. 4 pushes later at 6:43 am SJ was born peeing! My initial reaction was that he was so tiny, but yet his cries were so much louder than his brothers had been.

After everything we went through at the beginning of this pregnancy, I NEVER thought we would get   here. Honestly, that is why I haven't said much about my pregnancy on this blog, is because this whole time I have felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am so greatful that everything
turned out okay and that I have another seemingly healthy little boy to complete our family.

My Little Man is Here

My little man made his arrival yesterday morning at 6:43 in the morning. I am over the moon. I will post his whole birth story later today when I have a few more minutes as I'm expecting Mr. P and LC to arrive any minute and I don't want to be interrupted. I never thought this day would come. This pregnancy scared the shit out of from my first ultrasound and I honestly doubted that I would ever make it to an outside baby, but he is here, and he is healthy!!

Nearing the End 37w4d

I can't believe that I am finally nearing the end of  this pregnancy. After the way things started out I never thought I would get here, but here I am. And, I am ready to meet this little guy. In the past couple of days I have started to get extremely uncomfortable and irritable. Not to mention that my AF levels have been all over the place this past month. They got so low last week I was sent to the hospital for an IV and told that if they didn't go up by Thursday I would be induced that next day. Thankfully they did go up because Mr. P is out of town for training right now. In fact, he's been gone for the past month and I think that has a large part to do with how uncomfortable I am. When he's here he's able to help with LC and I get a bit of a break in the evenings. Now, I get no break and that little fella has SO MUCH energy!!! I feel horrible because I am so tired (I do not remember being this tired last time) and as a result of my tiredness/laziness, LC has watched way more TV lately than I would care to admit to anyone. I really pray that after this baby comes, and I get used to having two little one (8 weeks PP I hope) that I get some of my energy back. I miss rolling on the floor and playing with toy cars with my little man.

28 Weeks - Welcome to Third Tri!

• How far along? 28 Weeks 
• Total weight gain: 34 lbs
• Maternity clothes?  yep
• Stretch marks? None new that I have noticed. 
• Sleep: I really don't have any issues when it comes to sleep. 
• Best moment this week:  Passed my GTT! 
• Miss Anything? Dairy! I have decided to give it up starting in 3rd Tri due to LC being MSPI
• Movement: I am starting to feel more which makes me feel better
• Food cravings: I don't really belive in cravings
• Food aversions: I wish!!
• Gender: He is still a boy according to our US yesterday
• Labor Signs: Nope.
• Symptoms: Back pain, gas, and horrible heartburn!!
• Belly Button in or out? Out, and it has been out since about 18 weeks this time
• Wedding rings on or off? Off since about 22 weeks 
• Looking forward to: Nothing specific that I can think of. 
• 
  

I had two appointments yesterday, and both of them went well. The first was my initial appointment/GTT at the new practice that I am now going to. I got to meet my doctor who seems pretty straight forward and nice at the same time. I appreciate that. I don't need someone who will blow smoke up my ass, but I don't need you to deliver news to me without an ounce of compassion either. So, while I haven't heard officially that I passed my GTT I haven't heard otherwise so I'm assuming I'm safe. I would think they would want someone to know right away if they failed. 

Random thought here - I think it's crazy how different offices do the GTT test. In VA I drank the drink at home, came in and had my blood drawn, and if I failed, I did the three hour test. 

This time, I just did the three hour test. Which, since my babysitter fucking bailed on me Wednesday night at 6pm, sucked! 

My second appointment was with my MFM for another growth ultrasound. Baby boy seems to be doing well and is still measuring a bit ahead, but not as much as last time. They estimate his weight to be about 2lbs. I will go back in 4 weeks for another one so I'm excited to see how much he will have grown. 

LC was stuck with me all day yesterday and I honestly felt bad for him. He had to sit and be pretty much still at the doctors office for three hours, then get in a car and ride for an hour, sit through another appointment, and then another hour ride home. That's a lot to ask of a two year old and honestly, I think he did pretty good. Since we have been re-introducing dairy to him and he's tolerating it well, I got him a milkshake to enjoy on the ride home. I will now be cleaning his car seat, but I don't care. He deserved it, and he thoroughly enjoyed it! 

 

Everyday I struggle with things to do with LC outside of the house so that we are not sitting at home every day bored out of our minds. One thing I heard about when I moved back home was this thing called Sing-A-Long with St.eve. Every Tuesday this little coffee shop in town host a childrens hour where one of the owners plays the guitar and sings songs for the children, and then reads them a book. We have been going sporadically since we moved here in January and LC hasn't really taken to it. Generally he sits on my lap while the other children sing and dance around. When he gets bored, he will then take off running back and forth through the cafe while my big fat pregnant ass dodges customers, tables, and chairs running after him.
Well today was different! He only sat on my lap for about 5 minutes total, and he actually got on the floor close to the other children during the "story time". Okay not really on the mat, but pretty close!

LCs Vocabulary

Ever since I started staying home with LC I have convinced myself that he is not learning enough being home with me. That was always my fear when he was a baby also and I initially debated staying home with him. I don't think that he is learning all that he should be. I would love to start some sort of "school lessons" with him daily, but we have literally been in our house one month today and so far we just haven't had the time. I really am going to try to start that next week. I'll make sure to post about how it goes. Anyway, even with our lack of educational activities, I am thoroughly impressed with his vocabulary. He will be 2 next month and he uses at least 200 words on a regular basis.
LC is my first child, so I don't know if this is normal or not, but I know that he says more words and speaks more clearly than 90% of the children his age we have met since I have started to stay home with him. At his daycare, all of the children seemed to be on the same level. Well, there was one little girl at his daycare who ran circles around all the other children when it came to speaking and vocabulary but his teachers assured me (and several other parents) she was an anomaly.
This is just my observation. It means nothing, but it does make me wonder if being home with this next one will delay his development. What if  I'm not as good for my children educationally as a daycare center would be.

UPDATE

It's been so long since I've updated I don't know where to begin. There hasn't been a lot that has gone on, but I feel like a lot has happened. In a nutshell, I am still pregnant, we moved half-way across the country, and I am now a stay at home mom (SAHM).

I can't say that I have had the easiest time adjusting to all of this. Our move for one was horrible. I thought it would be easier for LC and I to fly and for Mr. P and my FIL to drive. Well, LC and I got stuck in Chicago, had to stay overnight at the airport, I ran out of diapers and the airport was sold out!! Seriously, how does that happen?? I ended up asking anyone I saw with a toddler who looked LC's age if they had any extra. 

We had to fly into another city and take a two hour shuttle to get home. We finally got home and my luggage didn't arrive. I didn't have a lot with me (except my diaper bag) because I had the stroller and car seat with me in the airport. While I was in the airport I hated having the car seat, but I'm so glad I didn't check it because I wouldn't have been able to get LC on the shuttle since our bags flew into our original destination and they didn't arrive anyway! The only bright spot of my trip (besides finally arriving safely) was that my sister was flying during this time also and she also got stuck in Chicago for a couple of hours.

We stayed with my parents until we closed on our house mid January and we moved into our first home about a month ago. Life has been good, but it's been a struggle for me. I am so bad at managing my time and for the first two weeks I had absolutely no patience with LC. It's getting better day by day, but it's still hard.

I LOVE being with him all day, but I don't feel like he's learning all that he needs to be and should be. I also feel like I have become domestic help and not really a true partner. I know that may sound stupid, but I sometimes feel like a maid more than a wife.

I just posted pics of my growing belly, and I will update more with what's going on with my pregnancy.

25 weeks 2 days!

One of These Days

My ILs came down for the weekend. Specifically my MIL, my SIL, and my nephew. Now we have have always felt that Mr. Ps parent’s favored his sister and her kids more than us and our son, but I have never felt is as much as I did this weekend. I am so blessed that my mom is a so-so grandma to all of her grandkids and doesn’t favor any of them over others. I guess in reality this is my own fault because I had expectations of the relationship that my MIL would have with my son. I set myself up for failure.

One of these days I will learn to accept that my MIL and FIL just do not love my child as much as they love my SILs kids. As hard as this is on me to accept, I can’t imagine what it must be like for Mr. P. I just remember before we had kids I adored the way she treated JJ and CP our two nephews and I was ecstatic that LC would have a grandma who was really like a grandma. Because, well, that’s just not my mom.

Then LC came, and nothing really changed. My MIL and FIL never really made any more trips down to see us or the baby, but there were always pictures being posted on FB of her hanging out with the other grandkids. Then they would plan trips out to see us, and all of a sudden their plans would change because of something involving my SIL and her kids.

About a month ago I finally told my MIL that she could come on her own that that LC never got to see her alone because every time she came my nephews were always there. She understood where I was coming from and she in fact did come that time alone. They originally weren’t going to come because my SIL couldn’t come, and it was nice for LC to spend time with them alone. This weekend however my SIL was in tow and so was my oldest nephew.

This weekend was just my wakeup call and the reality check that I needed to finally see the inequality that goes on in my husbands family. In actuality it pissed me off more than anything. I just can’t believe not only how much more attention my MIL showed my nephew, but also my SIL. She spends so much time with them that I assumed that she would relish all the time she can spend with LC and Mr. P especially since we are moving. However my MIL acted like she never sees JJ and my SIL. She pretty much spent the whole weekend babying JJ giving into his depands and babying my SIL. The truth is that LC is an AMAZING little boy. I’m not just saying that because he’s my son, he really is a neat kid. It’s their loss.

My SIL and her husband give off the vibe that they are in such financial despair and that they are struggling to just live paycheck to paycheck. Guess what, I’m losing my job!! We will be forced to live off of just one paycheck but yet and still we aren’t acting like we need to be standing in line at the soup kitchen. It just really pisses me off. All weekend my MIL paid for everything for my SIL and her son. Mr. P even pissed me off one time when he was all offering to pay for something for her. Her and her husband both work. We are trying to buy a house, and I’m about to lose my job. Why do they think we are in any different of a position?

In about six short weeks we are moving halfway across the country. I’m pretty excited about this because I have had my last straw with seeing my son get ignored and treated like shit when he is around Mr. P’s family. They won’t come out and visit us very often and we won’t be going back there very often. We will see them maybe twice a year for the next three years. I would be more sad for LC but since they never cared to see him while we were close, I’m pretty much over that now. I’m sad for baby to be because that baby will never get to know them but that’s okay also. I have enough love to give.

Light of our Lives

It really just amazes me how much LC changes and how fast these changed occur. I think back to how he was exactly one year ago and I just can’t believe he has changed so much in a year. He has learned to talk, walk, run, be devious, and grown so independent,  all while staying the light of our lives.

LC has started to put two words together in order to form “sentences”. This just started this past weekend, and all he says is “daddy truck” for daddy’s truck. It’s cute. But the amount of stuff that little boy knows is amazing. Yesterday morning I dropped him off at school and when I did I told him to go sit by Brooke (a little girl in his class), and he did. This morning I told him not to take his shoes off so he does, and then says “mommy” and shows me with his little devious smile. Every day I am truly amazed by how sponge like he is and everything he is learning.

We have also started potty training LC. I know that many people think it’s way too early for him to be potty training, but I disagree.  Back in the 50’s most children were potty trained by 18 months and it wasn’t until disposable diapers came around that children started training later and later. We aren’t stupid, we know that LC won’t be trained in a month, or even two, but we feel that by starting him off early and going slowly we will have it done by hopefully June or July. Since his DC isn’t interested in helping us train him, right now we are just taking him to the potty before bath time. We started this right around the time he turned 18 months and so far he has gone four or five times. That may not sound like much, but we have to start somewhere.  Once we have that somewhat mastered, we will start going first thing in the morning.

LC’s Daycare

I don’t know if I have mentioned it here before or not, but I can’t stand my son’s daycare. Why then, you ask, do I send him there? Well, because 6 months ago we moved to be closer to our jobs since we were both commuting over an hour one way to work every day.  Unfortunately we now live close to a military base in a not so nice town, and this is the best option in the area that we live in. This center is supposedly accredited and is the closest fit to his old daycare, so we went with it. And I HATE it. Previously LC was at a Primrose and I loved it. Now he is at a Goddard, and I hate it.

I don’t feel like the teachers at this daycare interact with the kids as much as they did at Primrose, every time I go in to pick him up, the teachers are sitting down and the kids are playing on their own. I never see the teachers playing with the kids. He has one teacher in particular who is always sitting down barking at the kids. If they are doing something wrong, she doesn’t get up, she just yells at them across the room. Goddard doesn’t provide any linens for the kids, and it grosses me out that they sleep on mats on the floor. Really, do raised cots cost that much?

They do not provide lunch at our school, and they don’t heat up what we bring for our child. So, I guess they don’t care that children don’t eat warm nutritious meals. They do provide two snacks, and their snacks are such items such as oatmeal cookies and juice, animal crackers and juice, wheat thins and water, trail mix. Where is the fruit/vegetable and protein? Then, the “art” they do with the kids is laughable. They just give them construction paper and makers. REALLY, does it take that much time to look up art projects to do with a one year old online?

Thank goodness we are moving soon because I can’t STAND him going to this daycare.

I am Just Pissed Off

I am so so pissed off right now. I am so mad and angry that this is happening to me. I truly felt that I had endured my share of losses. Although I felt as if this could happen when my betas didn't double properly, after our first ultrasound where we saw the yolk sac, and our second where we saw the heartbeat I thought everything was going to be okay. I was fooled into thinking that I would be a mom to another baby. I believed that LC would be a big brother. I stupidly imagined ways to announce our pregnancy to others.
But none of that is going to happen. I will not be having another baby in May. I will not be taking a cute photo in November when we do our family photo with our feet and an extra pair of shoes. LC will not be becoming a big brother, and I am heartbroken. I know that I am lucky to have LC in my life, and I am truly grateful, but I would like to have another child and I feel like that is just too much to ask God for. Maybe I have run out of prayer requests.
I have always felt that I had an egg quality issue and I feel that way even more so now. We have had three chemical pregnancies which are most likely caused by a chromosomal issue and now an enlarged yolk sac which is also indicative of a chromosomal issue. We have had karotype testing done on both of us, and it both of our results came back normal. I know this does not 100% lead to an egg issue, but at this point I'm convinced of it.
I am really just so hurt right now. I have no idea where to go from here, but I know that I'm not finished trying to have a second child. I honestly feel like our family is not yet complete and that a second child would make our family feel complete. But I am also coming to the realization that we may not have another child. As painful as that is, I am finally starting to see that could be our reality and it hurts so bad to even think that.
Realizing that makes me look back at the last year and a half with LC and wish that I had soaked it in more. Although, honestly, in the past year and a half with him I have only left him once so it's not like I've neglected him or spending time with him, but I wish I would have stopped to enjoy it more, instead of focusing on what I was or wasn't doing right as a mom. He's a perfectly happy, normal, loved little boy, and he is just the highlight of my life. I guess I just wanted to share the love we have for him with another child and I really pray that we get to one day.
So, where do we go from here....
Right now it is just to early to tell. Unfortunately we are up against a timeline because we are moving in January. We will likely try to move on as quickly as possible with an FET of some of the 5 frozen embryos that we have, but we won't know for a while when that will be. I am guessing December. Lovely, now I will likely get to cycle around the holidays. Yay!

Enlarged Yolk Sac

Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been very optimistic, but I have thought deep in the back of my head that I was going to have a missed miscarriage. Not because I want to have one, but because everything from the get go that I googled had outcomes that led to that. Almost all the cases that saw on the internet with slower doubling beta times ended in a MMC. They always had one or two ultrasounds where they saw a heartbeat, but then at a follow-up U/S there wasn't one. I prayed that this wouldn't be the case for me too, but it looks like that may be the path I am headed for and I am so scared and heartbroken.

When I went to the bathroom this morning and wiped there was bright red blood on the toilet paper. I thought I would wait it out and decided if I saw it again I would call the RE. However, I decided to call anyway because I would rather be safe than sorry. They asked me to go ahead and come in, so I did. When I got there Dr. S did an U/S and let me know that everything looked fine and that the reason for the bleed was likely due to have intercourse yesterday morning.

Here is where the concern comes in. Every time I have an ultrasound Dr. S measures the CRL of the embryo, the FHR, and the YS size. When he gets to the YS he says that the YS should measure less than 8 mm. Well Monday during my routine U/S at 6w4d my YS was measuring 4mm. Today at 7w0d it was measuring 6.33 mm. Unfortunately everything I have read online points to this leading to a miscarriage. First the sac is to large. It should not grow larger than 6mm. Second, the sac has grown too much in 3 days. The embryo is not getting nutrients from the YS if it is growing at that rate. I am heartbroken.

I am just so upset. I just don't understand why God would let me get this far to just have it all end. I am so BLESSED to have LC but I guess I am just not supposed to have any more children. Our last chance seems to be with the frozen embryos that we have but with all that is going on with our job and the move I don't know if now is really the right time to implant them. But I'm not getting any younger and evidently I have really bad eggs.

I have to go back for another U/S on Monday and possibly Friday. This is just bullshit. I am not a bad person why do bad things just keep happening to me? I love my son so much, and I just really wanted to be able to give him a sibling and now I don't know if that will ever happen. I am so hurt right now. I honestly thought I had endured enough.

Government Shutdown

All I can say about this is wow! I never believed that it would come to this. Honestly, I am a bit jealous that some employees are going to get a paid vacation. Yes, I do not know if it will be paid or not, but I think that it would be extremely shitty not to pay people. Especially after the 11 days we were already furloughed earlier this year. But right now, I am not furloughed, so I still have to go to work. So I am a bit jealous that I don’t get a break also. I will not be so jealous if they do not go back and pay people. I would be pissed about that. I think it’s a very shitty way to treat your employees, because YOU can’t get your shit together.  

6weeks and 5 days

Currently I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. This is the furthest I have been since I was pregnant with LC. We had our second ultrasound yesterday and we were able to see the little one’s heart beating away at 124 bpm. Honestly that was such a relief and a huge weight off my shoulders that lasted all of about 24 hours. Today I am back to panicking and going to the bathroom and determining that I am spotting again didn’t help. We go back next week for another ultrasound. Dr. S said that next week the heart rate needs to have increased to around 140 bpm. If the heart rate increases and everything still looks okay than we will be released to Dr. D.

Trying to Stay Positive

I am having the hardest time in the world trying to stay positive right now. I want this baby so bad, and I just can't imagine facing another loss. But it is so hard. With each passing day I feel less and less pregnant than I felt the day before. Small things which I don't count as symptoms, but were definitely different, are now gone.

Like I'm no longer tired. I haven't wanted to be up past 8 pm in the past two weeks, and tonight I'm fine. I feel like I could be up all night. Wednesday of this week I felt like shit. I was convinced that my morning sickness was about to start, yesterday I felt better and today I feel great! I would tire easily when I tried to walk up the stairs, but now, I'm fine. Nipple soreness, again, so slight that I literally have to pinch my nipples so many times before I feel any discomfort. In fact, I'm sure the nipple soreness I feel now, is from me pinching my own nipples.

I am just so fucking terrified. I know that my beta doubling times have not been awesome. I have looked at too many online and seen the outcome of people with slower betas. Which, I don't understand. The vast majority of women online with betas taking longer than 48 hours to double, but still in the 48-72 hour range, suffered losses. What I don't understand is, if this isn't a coincidence, than how are the slower doubling times considered normal?

Its kinda a huge blow to me to see this. At my ultrasound on Monday I was measuring behind three days. That coupled with my betas has me scared shitless. Throw in my lack of feeling pregnant and I'm a fucking basket case. I am terrified of my ultrasound on Monday. I know that I have to go, but I'm so afraid that we are going to get there and not see what we are supposed to see.

I so wish that I was one of those naive women who could just get knocked up and  not have a worry in the world. IF and my losses have fucked me for life. I wish that I could be happy and excited right now and instead I am crying and wondering if LC will be my only child.

Symptomless

I have mentioned it before, but because it is concerning me so much I’m mentioning it again. I have zero pregnancy symptoms and it is freaking me out. The two things that I am counting as my symptoms are headaches and sore nipples, and both of which can be attributed to the Crinone. What is scaring me more than my lack of symptoms is that the two that I am trying to make myself believe I have, are so infrequent that I’m convinced they have disappeared altogether.

I have not really had a headache for the past two days, and my nipples have been pinched so many times today in hopes that they will feel sore, that I’m surprised I haven’t made them sore. I wish my brain wasn’t in the mode it’s in, but I’m completely freaked out about having another loss. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I am afraid that we are going to go to our U/S appointment and not see heartbeat. I’m worried that I’m going to have a blighted ovum; I’m worried about anything and everything. I am so mad at myself for not just relaxing and just enjoying this pregnancy. But it is hard!!!

Today I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful.

I’m also terrified.  

Yay for Medication Coverage

For once I love my secondary insurance. I just got my Summary of Prescriptions Filled for the month of August, and they saved me $1498.47!! Out of $1556.64 for the month of August I only had to pay $58.17! That is awesome! In fact my secondary insurance picked up more than my primary insurance did. This is mostly due to the fact that we did an “induced ovulation” cycle and not an IUI cycle. Our secondary insurance covers the cost of medication for “induced ovulation” so we only paid $17 for each of our two 300iu pens of Follistim. I am beyond excited especially about that since we paid over $4,000 for all of the medication for ONE IVF cycle.

My Betas So far this cycle

13 DPO = 79

15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44

19 DPO = 788 D.T = 39.95 hours

22 PO = 2031 D.T = 52.71 hours