Onto Another Cycle

Right on schedule my period started this morning. I am so heartbroken. I can't believe that after almost three years, we are still trying to make a baby. I wish I could say that every month it gets easier to deal with, but that is actually the opposite for me. I guess now I am more numb to it, but it isn't easier. This month I had spotting on CD 9 which I was sure was implatation bleeding and my hopes were up so much that I allowed Mr. P to talk me into testing early which I never do! So, on CD 11, and on CD 13 we tested. I wouldn't even look at the test. I just pee'd on the stick and handed it to Mr. P. A few minutes later he came back in to let me know what I hoped wasn't true, but already knew, I wasn't pregnant. Even with the warning that I had, my heart sank when I started the red flow today.

I am just so upset and I'm beginning to feel like this is never going to happen. As of right now we have decided that we are going to try one more cycle then go back to the IUI's but I don't know how I'm feeling about that right now. That would put us cycling in December right around Christmas. Since my whole family is coming here for Christmas, I don't know how I'll be able to handle both my emotions, the family, and a bfn if it didn't work. Not to mention that I'm still in the boot so I don't exactly know how my RE would feel about putting me in stirrups with that big ol boot on. I think waiting till January would be best for us. I just don't want to wait anymore. Goodness this is so frustrationg.

 Another determing factor in the equation is that we just switched insurance and I don't know what they will or won't cover yet since infertility coverage has to be approved. I also don't know how long it will take for our benefits to kick in, we enrolled last Friday but we still aren't showing up in their system today. I would love to be able to talk to their infertility coordinator to find out the answers to my questions about coverage but I can't even do that till we show up in their system. Ugh!!

This whole process has just been daunting (sp) on both Mr. P and I. We had all of our diagnostic testing done last year and we did our first three rounds of IUI last year. None of them worked and I know that I am unfairly taking out my frustrations about the failures on Mr. P and that I need to stop, but I continue to do it. I just get so frustrated because I feel that Mr. P and I aren't always on the same page about how we want to handle the next step in the process. Mr. P thinks that because it took his parents 7 years to get pregnant than we should just keep trying on our own and let it happen. I don't want to tell him that I think his mother is so stupid that she probably had no idea when she ovulated and that six and half years of the seven she was probably having sex when she wasn't even fertile. But, that is a whole different topic. He also feels that we are jumping the gun doing treatments and that we should continue to try on our own. Here are my two problems with that:

1. We have had a Semen Analysis done, it showed a morph of 2% and our RE doesn't even feel that IUI's are the best way for us to conceive. If we do them again it will be because they are either required by our insurance, or because our insurance denied our IF treatment and we want a lower cost option before going directly to IVF.
2. In six months, Mr. P is leaving to go into the Army. After that, who knows what our lives are going to hold. He will be gone for six months right off the bat for school, and then we have no idea where he is going to be stationed, if or when he will deploy, what our insurance options will be when we move. We know nothing.

Mr. P has agreed to treatment but I don't feel that his heart is completely in it. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, and there rises our constant points of contention. I really think and hope that once we meet with our RE again and have our consultation before starting treatments again that Mr. P will understand our chances of conceiving on our own. Once we meet with our RE again and he goes over our options, then I think we will be able to better make a decision that is best for us.