Trying to Stay Positive

I am having the hardest time in the world trying to stay positive right now. I want this baby so bad, and I just can't imagine facing another loss. But it is so hard. With each passing day I feel less and less pregnant than I felt the day before. Small things which I don't count as symptoms, but were definitely different, are now gone.

Like I'm no longer tired. I haven't wanted to be up past 8 pm in the past two weeks, and tonight I'm fine. I feel like I could be up all night. Wednesday of this week I felt like shit. I was convinced that my morning sickness was about to start, yesterday I felt better and today I feel great! I would tire easily when I tried to walk up the stairs, but now, I'm fine. Nipple soreness, again, so slight that I literally have to pinch my nipples so many times before I feel any discomfort. In fact, I'm sure the nipple soreness I feel now, is from me pinching my own nipples.

I am just so fucking terrified. I know that my beta doubling times have not been awesome. I have looked at too many online and seen the outcome of people with slower betas. Which, I don't understand. The vast majority of women online with betas taking longer than 48 hours to double, but still in the 48-72 hour range, suffered losses. What I don't understand is, if this isn't a coincidence, than how are the slower doubling times considered normal?

Its kinda a huge blow to me to see this. At my ultrasound on Monday I was measuring behind three days. That coupled with my betas has me scared shitless. Throw in my lack of feeling pregnant and I'm a fucking basket case. I am terrified of my ultrasound on Monday. I know that I have to go, but I'm so afraid that we are going to get there and not see what we are supposed to see.

I so wish that I was one of those naive women who could just get knocked up and  not have a worry in the world. IF and my losses have fucked me for life. I wish that I could be happy and excited right now and instead I am crying and wondering if LC will be my only child.