19 DPO Beta

I wish I didn’t do this, but every time I get my betas drawn I compare them to my pregnancy with LC. When I found out I was pregnant with LC, it was on a break cycle after IVF #2 failed. My RE did an early U/S – to this day it’s because I believe he thought I had gotten pregnant on the IVF cycle. That’s important because we were enrolled in their Shared Risk program and I’m sure they wanted their money. Anyway, when he did the ultrasound we could already see something in my uterus. I asked him about betas and he said that I didn’t need them so he wasn’t going to draw them.

I had been on online infertility forums long enough that I knew people always got betas. What I didn’t know was that once your beta reached about 1000-1500 and something could be seen on an ultrasound some doctors stop drawing betas. So, since my RE wouldn’t draw them, I asked my GP to draw them and he did.

Here were my betas with LC:

21 DPO = 3404

24 DPO = 10093 D.T = 45.92

Here have been my betas with all my CPs:

CP #1

20 DPO = 214

22 DPO = 309  D.T = 90.57

26 DPO = 360 D.T = 435.59

29 DPO = 79

CP #2

12 DPO = 18

14 DPO = 23 D.T = 135.73

20 DPO = 105 D.T = 65.73

CP # 3

Didn’t have betas drawn

CP #4

13 DPO = 79

15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44

19 DPO =  788  D.T = 39.95 hours

At this point, I am just so frustrated, pissed off, and confused. Not to mention lost in my faith. I feel as though I must have done something wrong in my life to have to go through this. Why let me keep getting pregnant just to take them it away? Why just not let me get pregnant? Did I use up all my prayer request to get LC? I am just so pissed off. I seriously question right now if He does exist because I have a hard time believing that He would allow me to go through this. Why would He? But then, I feel like if I stop believing in Him, then I will be punished even further and not ever get my rainbow. I am really hurting right now.

I took another test this morning to see if the line had gotten darker. It hadn’t. At that moment I really knew it was over. I have my third beta today and I just wanted to be prepared for what kind of call I was going to get. I told Mr. P that I just don’t get it and that there just has to be something wrong with me. I always felt that we would struggle to have baby #2, but I didn’t think it would be this struggle. I felt like it would be not getting pregnant. My thought was that we would TTC for a year, then end up going back for our frozen babies. I didn’t think that we would have 4 early losses before that happened. 

We are likely going to move on to the FET. I’m scared shitless about going this route. I feel like this is really our last hope because getting pregnant on our own just really isn’t working.  At this point I am convinced that I have something wrong with my uterus that is preventing a baby from implanting properly, or that my eggs are shit. I have always felt that I had shitty eggs so that is really what I believe the problem is.

IF is so unfair. So unfair. I feel like I have spent so much time focusing on negative things and not so much time focusing on all the positives in my life so from today forward I am going to try to include more of the positives in my life as well. Because to be honest, while I have been dealt a raw, shitty hand when it comes to my fertility, I still have a pretty amazing life, and a WHOLE LOT to be grateful for.