I think I'm in complete shock that I am writing this still. Complete shock for so many reasons. First, i can't believe that after four years, 3 IUIs, and 2 IVFs, the three times I have gotten pregnant have been on my own. However, I am scared shitless because I have a bad feeling I am having another chemical pregnancy. For some reason this cycle I decided to test at 11 DPO. Why? I have no idea. I have no idea what I was thinking, and what do you know, the test was positive. So, knowing what happened in March, I called and got in to get my betas drawn right away. So they finally call me back today and let me know that my beta from Wednesday came back at 18. I am going in this afternoon to have it tested again. I KNEW I should not have tested early. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. With a first beta this low, and how my pregnancy test have been looking I am not expecting this to end well. I am so pissed at my body for doing this to me. I am also mad that I was able to get pregnant again and it looks like it isn't going to stick. Why let me get pregnant then!!??
I know that I am prematurely freaking out, but I am not stupid either. I know what happened with my successful pregnancy, and I know what happened with my chemical pregnancy. I am just terrified that this is going to be the outcome for every pregnancy I have going forward and that I will never get to have another child. I know that I had this fear before I had LW also, but now I feel like I really must have crappy eggs (which is what I felt before) and I will never give LW a sibling. I just don’t understand why I have to go through this. I also don’t understand why I’m getting pregnant so easily now either.
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