Trying to Stay Positive

I am having the hardest time in the world trying to stay positive right now. I want this baby so bad, and I just can't imagine facing another loss. But it is so hard. With each passing day I feel less and less pregnant than I felt the day before. Small things which I don't count as symptoms, but were definitely different, are now gone.

Like I'm no longer tired. I haven't wanted to be up past 8 pm in the past two weeks, and tonight I'm fine. I feel like I could be up all night. Wednesday of this week I felt like shit. I was convinced that my morning sickness was about to start, yesterday I felt better and today I feel great! I would tire easily when I tried to walk up the stairs, but now, I'm fine. Nipple soreness, again, so slight that I literally have to pinch my nipples so many times before I feel any discomfort. In fact, I'm sure the nipple soreness I feel now, is from me pinching my own nipples.

I am just so fucking terrified. I know that my beta doubling times have not been awesome. I have looked at too many online and seen the outcome of people with slower betas. Which, I don't understand. The vast majority of women online with betas taking longer than 48 hours to double, but still in the 48-72 hour range, suffered losses. What I don't understand is, if this isn't a coincidence, than how are the slower doubling times considered normal?

Its kinda a huge blow to me to see this. At my ultrasound on Monday I was measuring behind three days. That coupled with my betas has me scared shitless. Throw in my lack of feeling pregnant and I'm a fucking basket case. I am terrified of my ultrasound on Monday. I know that I have to go, but I'm so afraid that we are going to get there and not see what we are supposed to see.

I so wish that I was one of those naive women who could just get knocked up and  not have a worry in the world. IF and my losses have fucked me for life. I wish that I could be happy and excited right now and instead I am crying and wondering if LC will be my only child.

Symptomless

I have mentioned it before, but because it is concerning me so much I’m mentioning it again. I have zero pregnancy symptoms and it is freaking me out. The two things that I am counting as my symptoms are headaches and sore nipples, and both of which can be attributed to the Crinone. What is scaring me more than my lack of symptoms is that the two that I am trying to make myself believe I have, are so infrequent that I’m convinced they have disappeared altogether.

I have not really had a headache for the past two days, and my nipples have been pinched so many times today in hopes that they will feel sore, that I’m surprised I haven’t made them sore. I wish my brain wasn’t in the mode it’s in, but I’m completely freaked out about having another loss. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I am afraid that we are going to go to our U/S appointment and not see heartbeat. I’m worried that I’m going to have a blighted ovum; I’m worried about anything and everything. I am so mad at myself for not just relaxing and just enjoying this pregnancy. But it is hard!!!

Today I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful.

I’m also terrified.  

Yay for Medication Coverage

For once I love my secondary insurance. I just got my Summary of Prescriptions Filled for the month of August, and they saved me $1498.47!! Out of $1556.64 for the month of August I only had to pay $58.17! That is awesome! In fact my secondary insurance picked up more than my primary insurance did. This is mostly due to the fact that we did an “induced ovulation” cycle and not an IUI cycle. Our secondary insurance covers the cost of medication for “induced ovulation” so we only paid $17 for each of our two 300iu pens of Follistim. I am beyond excited especially about that since we paid over $4,000 for all of the medication for ONE IVF cycle.

My Betas So far this cycle

13 DPO = 79

15 DPO = 149 D.T = 52.44

19 DPO = 788 D.T = 39.95 hours

22 PO = 2031 D.T = 52.71 hours

22 DPO

Dr. S just called. My 4^th and final beta came in at 2031, up from 788 on Tuesday (19 DPO) with a DT of 52.71 hours.  I don’t know how I feel about this. Honestly, I don’t feel great considering that Dr. S said that he would have liked to have seen my numbers at around 2300. Now he wants me to come in for an U/S on Monday. If anyone actually reads my blog and can spare any T&Ps for my U/S and for this little bean to continue to grow I would appreciate it.

LCs pictures didn’t go so well yesterday. In fact, I am really pissed that I paid almost as much for these pictures (the entire series) as some people do for their wedding pictures, and none of these sessions have gone well. LC NEVER wants to smile and has NEVER cooperated. His newborn session went fine until the end when he just decided he was done. The only shot I really wanted, one of our rings on his little feet, we never got. At this 3 month session he just wouldn’t smile. He would just have blank stares on his face the whole time. At 6 & 9 months, he wouldn’t sit by himself. He would only smile if me or Mr. P was holding him, and he would only smile at us, never the camera.

My biggest fear going into yesterday was that he wasn’t going to want to sit and take any picture because he would just want to play. And that’s exactly what happened.  I think we got like three shots of him sitting and smiling. At one point I really just wanted to ask her to start shooting more lifestyle poses than posed photos, but I honestly just got to a point where I didn’t care and just wanted to be done.

Symptoms – or lack thereof

The hardest part of this pregnancy in relation to my three chemical pregnancies is that I have had absolutely no symptoms. With the last three CPs I felt different and I knew I was pregnant so I wanted to test. This time, I felt nothing, I just wanted to test. At 16 DPO this time, my nipples did become sore, but that’s been it. They aren’t even really that sore. In fact the most sore they have been was on Tuesday morning. Today, they aren’t sore at all unless I pinch the crap out of them. So, I am now kicking myself for not having my beta done today. I am also now spotting.

I called the REs office and spoke with V. She said that spotting is common with the Crinone, but then I asked her if I could have a blood test done tomorrow. So now I have a beta scheduled for tomorrow morning. I wish I wouldn’t have chickened out of having it done today, but I did. Luckily I will be extremely distracted after I leave work today until I get the results of the beta tomorrow. LC has his 18 month photos this evening, and tomorrow morning is his 18 month check-up. By the time I get done with his appointment, get him back in “school” (shitty daycare), then they should be calling with my results.

A part of me feels like I’m worrying about nothing, and that everything is going to be fine. I have had normal betas so far that have doubled in the time frame and I haven’t started bleeding. My betas are way higher now than they have ever been with my CPs. Then, there is the other side of me which reminds me of how confident I was back in March when I went in to see my OB for the side pain and found out I was getting an ultrasound. I was so excited to find out there was nothing in my uterus. So, I am trying to remain positive. I know that I cannot control what is going to happen, so worrying isn’t going to do me any good.

On another note, I am so excited for LCs 18 month photos today! These were actually supposed to be 12 month photos, but with all the rain we have had this spring, we have had to cancel and reschedule more times than I care to remember. We have done these photos every three months since he was born with the last ones being at 9 months so it’s going to be crazy for our photographer to see how much he has grown. Unfortunately Mr. P won’t be there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t mind a little mommy and me photo session!

Update to 19 DPO Beta

I have to update my last post and I am happy to have this update. The nurse K at my REs office just called and my beta came back at 788. That is a doubling time of 39.95 hours!  I am shocked and excited to say the least. I guess it is true that HPTs really are qualitative and not quantitative because I would have sworn that my beta was going to be lower due to the color of the line on my HPT this morning. I am very happy for this update. This allows me to relax just a bit. K said that Dr. S wants me to have another beta drawn on Thursday and I said that I didn’t want to. I’m sorry, but these betas are extremely nerve wrecking and as you can tell from my post below I’m already crazy enough right now. Hopefully Dr. S will agree.

At least I kept my word on posting more positive stuff going forward. Hopefully the trend will continue. For now we are very cautiously optimistic! This is honestly the furthest I have made it since being pg with LC. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. TODAY I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful!