79

That is what my beta came back at yesterday. In a sad way I am relieved. My body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. I have to go back in a week to get it tested again. My parents are coming into town for LC birthday and will be here next week. My parents live pretty far away from me and all my sisters so at the beginning of last cycle I thought it would be neat that if I got pregnant I would be just about 8 weeks when they came to visit. That meant that they might be able to go to my appointment with me and see their grandbaby on the ultrasound. This would have been especially meaningful to my mom (in my opinion) because they didn't do that when she was pregnant with us. Well, now they can come to the doctors with me, but the appointment will be a lot less exciting and we will only find out that I'm not pregnant anymore.
My doctor wants us to use protection for the next two months. I think that is insane, but I'm emotionally not ready to get pregnant again so I guess its okay. I know that right now is not the time for us to get pregnant but it doesn't make that strong desire that I have go away. I seriously don't understand it, but I have the strongest desire to have a healthy pregnancy. I don't know why that is. Personally I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling that my getting pregnant so quickly this time was a fluke. We tried for so long to get pregnant on our own before we were blessed with LC for it to have happened so quickly was crazy. Part of me feels like I have to know this wasn't a fluke and that somehow amazingly I have been cured of my infertility. But does that happen? Or was LC the fluke? What if I have pretty crappy eggs and LC really was the fluke? I don't know. I guess I will continue to take the royal jelly and hope that in this summer I am able to get pregnant again with our final take home baby.

Miscarriage

I never thought that would be a word I typed to describe something that had happened to me, but it is. I found out Saturday, March 2^nd,  I was expecting out second child. I was over the moon. I had been tracking my ovulation but not really full on charting. We haven’t used protection in our entire 7 year marriage and had only gotten pregnant once.  We had done 5 fertility treatments (3 IUI’s, and 2 IVF’s) which had failed. We weren’t that couple that got pregnant. But we were, and we did. I couldn’t believe it.

Immediately I felt different this time around. It’s crazy because before I had taken the test, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Unlike with LC I had symptoms of this pregnancy almost right away. I was even convinced that it was going to be a girl because things were so different. I was nauseous, emotional, and exhausted immediately. So, at what I thought was 17DPO, I tested with a digital and my suspicions were confirmed. The next day I went out and bought some FRER’s because I wanted to see the super dark line. I tested, and the line was there, it popped up right away, but it wasn’t as dark as I thought it should be. Immediately I knew something was wrong. By 17 DPO I should have enough HCG in my system that the test line should be way darker than the control line, but it wasn’t.

Monday I called the OB’s office to make my appt and I asked about some weird pulling that I felt on my left side. The nurse told me it was normal but to keep an eye on it. Tuesday the pain was worse so I called back. The nurse said that my doctor would draw my blood to get my blood HCG (beta) to see if the numbers were appropriate for how far along I was, and they would check it again in two days to see if it was increasing properly.

So I get to the office and I find out that I was also going to be having an ultrasound. I was pretty excited about this because my real thought process was that I was probably just overeacting to all of this, that everything was fine, but I was excited to see my little baby so soon. Well they start the ultrasound and there is no sac to be seen. Granted, I am super early, 4w6d, but I know that there should be something there. There isn’t. My beta comes back at 214. I know that is to low for how far along I am. Thursday’s beta comes back at 309. I know it’s over. They want me to come back Monday for another beta, it’s 360. I started bleeding Monday night. By Tuesday I am full on bleeding and I started having contractions Tuesday night. I am heartbroken. Wednesday (yesterday) I have to go in for an ultrasound and another beta. I am waiting those results.

This has been so hard on me. I now realize that before this happened to me I could not have possibly understood what goes on with someone when they suffer a pregnancy loss. I know that the only thing that is getting me through this, is LC. I am BLESSED to have a happy healthy one year old that I get to go home to every night. I could not imagine if this had been my first pregnancy. If it had been, I don’t know how I would have gone on. I’m serious. This is devastating. I don’t care if it was so early, and I don’t care if I never saw something on the screen. This has been super hard on me.

I don’t know how most women deal with this but in my crazy head, I feel as though the only way to heal from this, is to get pregnant again. Which is crazy because we weren’t really trying to get pregnant this time. I was aware that I could, but with our history I didn’t think it would happen. We aren’t going to try again anytime soon. We will be whipping out the ole’ condoms, but I still feel the need to be pregnant again with my final take home baby. However I am scared to get pregnant again. I am scared to go through this again, and I don’t want to go through this again. Maybe I should just be grateful for the blessing that I have.

I know that within the next year I will try again. But I also know that mentally I am not ready right now. Our marriage took a hit during my baby blues and we are working on rebuilding us right now. Also, I want to enjoy more time with just LC. But I do want LC to have at least one sibling. I always wanted to start TTC again when LC was one, and see what happened. If after a year we weren’t pregnant then we could try with the frozen embryos that we have. So, maybe now we wait till LC is 15 months and we go from there. Guess I’ll know better in June.

OMG - It's been a while!

As I sit here and type this I cannot believe that it has been over a year since I’ve updated and also almost a whole year since I’ve had a baby!! Blogging is my release in some ways and I believe that is why I have found my way back to my blog. This blog is titled Under Construction Happily Ever After because Happily Ever After is a work in progress, and the past couple of months for me have been trying. But I am here, and I am surviving.

So, where to start…. Well on March 19^th, 2012 at 5:29pm I welcomed into the world LCSW! He was a beautiful gorgeous little boy who was born with at full head of hair. I guess what they say about heartburn is true. At least it was for me. When LC came home our world changed and we quickly learned that we were no longer in charge, but it was the best blessing ever. Unfortunately we found out that LC had severe acid reflux, was Milk Soy Protein Intolerant (MSPI), and had Delayed Gastric Emptying (DGE). Unfortunately for both us and LC was that we found this out because LC would cry inconsolably for hours and would constantly spit up.  Fortunately, we were able to get him on medicine, change my diet (I was breastfeeding) and all has gotten so much better.

I was fortunate enough that I got to stay home with LC for almost 5 months. I went back to work on August 6^th and that is when I noticed the changes in me. I am pretty sure that I had the post baby blues and I just never realized it. I tried so hard to put on this façade that life was great and that I was doing fantastic, but the truth is I was struggling big time. When I went back to work, it all just fell apart. I became hostile to those around me because I didn’t know how to accept the changes in my life and therefore the relationships with those around me suffered. All relationships, those with friends, family, co-workers, and my marriage suffered as well. I know this isn’t a great backstory, but it is what it is. So, I will go on from here (hopefully daily) with my truth.  

35w3d

Even as I sit here 35 weeks pregnant, I still can't beleive we are going to have a baby. On one hand it seems as if time has flown by, but on the other hand it feels as if time is standing still. I think I am just getting so anxious to meet this little one that it feels like the day will never get here.

Mr. P is gone for training. He will be gone for three more weeks. At this point I feel like all I'm doing is waiting. Waiting for our little one, and waiting for Mr. P to get back!!

Here is my weekly update that I started so late in my pregnancy:

• How far along? 35w3d
• Total weight gain: 32lbs. That I know of. I didn't have an appointment this week so I'm just using number from last week.
• Maternity clothes?  yep, although I have decided to squeeze into a dress I bought from Talbots Womens that is not maternity. I will likely try to wear it one more time since I am quickly running out of clothes to wear.
• Stretch marks? None new that I have noticed. I can honestly say that I'm not exactly happy with the amount of strech marcks that I have. I have likely gotten more since last week, but I honestly can't look at them anymore.
• Sleep: I think I'm really lucky in regards to sleep. I really don't have any issues when it comes to sleep. I do get up about 4 times a night to pee, but I usually fall right back to sleep. I think I'm going to be in complete shock when the baby comes.
• Best moment this week:  My boss approved the first part of my leave, and she approved my request to start working from home again starting tomorrow. This will dramatically help me when it comes to my lack of clothes that fit my current figure.
• Miss Anything? My husband. Mr. P is gone for six more weeks and I really miss him
• Movement: So much. Everthing I'm reading is saying that I will feel less movement the further along I get, but I really feel like I'm feeling this little guy more and more.
• Food cravings: I don't really belive in cravings, but I have eaten egg rolls the past three days.
• Food aversions: I wish!!
• Gender: Hopefully he is still a boy.
• Labor Signs: Nope.
• Symptoms: Back pain, gas, and horrible heartburn!!
• Belly Button in or out? Still kinda flat, but it's starting to stick out more.
• Wedding rings on or off? On one minute, off the next. I had a lot of swelling last week in both my feet and my hands so I'm not sure if that was just a one time thing, or if I will soon not be able to wear my rings.
• Looking forward to: My appointment this week. I have my last ultrasound this week and my first internal exam. While I'm not looking forward to an internal exam, I am curious to see if I'm making any changes down there.

 Oh, that last question made me think. I don't think that I look that big, but I am really getting sick of the looks and comments that I am getting from some people. I have decided that when people say to you "when are you due" it is really code for "Wow, your big"! I am also getting sick of people telling me that I'm going to go early. In fact, the latter of those two comments really crack me up. Why am I paying so much to go see an OB/Gyn doc if I could just ask people when they I was going to give birth based on how I look?

Its Been A While

It's been a while, I know. I have no excuse other than I have been so terrified this entire pregnancy that I must have found a way to convince myself that posting would bring me back luck. Silly I know. Especially considering that I've been bleeding off and on throughout my entire pregnancy so I don't think posting would have made a difference.

 I found this on another blog I read and I've decided to try to update my weekly information for the last 6 weeks! OMG I can't believe we only have 6 weeks to go!!

• How far along? 34w1d
• Total weight gain: 32lbs
• Maternity clothes?  Yes, I have been in maternity pants since I was 8 weeks pregnant
• Stretch marks? Yes, all over my hips
• Sleep: Like a baby
• Best moment this week:  Going to see the Lion King Broadway Show with my sister
• Miss Anything? Not really
• Movement: Tons, everyone said after 32 weeks I wouldn't be able to feel it as much, but I feel like I feel it stronger than ever now. I think he's going to be pretty long since I can feel him at both the top and bottom of my uterus at the same time
• Food cravings: I don't believe in cravings
• Food aversions: Nope
• Gender: Boy
• Labor Signs: Nope
• Symptoms: Back pain, gas, itchy belly & huge boobs,  and I'm so tired
• Belly Button in or out? In
• Wedding rings on or off? On.
• Looking forward to: My co-workers are throwing me a baby shower tomorrow

It's Been A While

So I know that it's been awhile since I've posted, but I'm going to try to do a lot better. So things have actually been going pretty well for us. Mr. P just started active duty and is working full time out of the house for the first time in almost 9 months! The pregnancy is going good so far and work for me has been as good as it can be.
I think the biggest adjustment for us lately has been Mr. P starting active duty. He sorta had a transition period in September because although he was still in the National Guard at that point, he did 21 days of annual training during that period. Then he came home for two weeks, and then he started AD. I couldn't be more thrilled that he finally started and I know he feels the same way however I'm sure that our reasons are different.
I love the fact that he is up every morning before I am. For the past year and a half I have gotten up to get ready for work at o' dark thirty while and he was all nice and comfy in bed

*we just had our first trick-or-treaters for the night! They were so cute!! However I never thought of peanut allergies as one little girl told her brother he couldn't have any because they all had peanuts! UGH!!

Now, Mr. P is up at least a half hour before I am. I love it!! I don't mind getting up early, unless someone  else is still sleeping! Mr. P is just finally glad to be putting his degree to work!

The pregnancy has been going a lot better. I had a lot of bleeding between weeks 6-10. In fact it started at 6 weeks, I bleed for two days, then it went away for two weeks. At 8 weeks same thing. At 10 weeks same thing. 10 weeks was the first time that it was actually bright red blood, but that didn't ease my mind any. Then, the day the bleeding stopped, my morning sickness kicked in. I was sick for 3 weeks straight. I felt like shit all day, and would finally puke at night. This also happened to be the 3 weeks that Mr. P was at annual training 4 hours away. It was not fun to feel so crappy all by myself. Oh well, I survived.

Work for me has been what it can be. It has been very busy lately and I'm doing the best that I can. Well I know this was a pretty boring post, but it's been a while so forgive me!

I'm baaack!

I think it's about time I returned to my blog. I realized yesterday that it had been two months since I wrote anything and that there was so much going on. Honestly though, with now being such a busy time at work and me being so lazy/tired, I really haven't had the energy to blog. Because it takes so much energy and all.
So the biggest thing that has been going on with us is that we are now 13 weeks along. I can't believe we are actually in our 2nd trimester. It is crazy! Mr. P has been outta town the past two weeks at Annual Training. He finally comes back tomorrow which I'm pumped about.
We had our NT scan today and got super good results so I'm pretty excited about that also. Unfortunately this pregnancy has not been without incident so far. I have had at least four bouts of spotting that have freaked me out. The latest incident was earlier today. Only once has it been bright red that was about two weeks ago. My doctor said that I could just be a person who bleeds while pregnant, but that doesn't make things any easier everytime I go to the bathroom and I'm freaked out that I will see blood, red or brown.
Well enough for tonight. Morning comes early and I have to be up at 4:30 in the morning tomorrow. Seriously, I think that is what is killing me lately. I've been getting to work between 6 & 6:30 so it's no wonder I'm tired!