Miscarriage

I never thought that would be a word I typed to describe something that had happened to me, but it is. I found out Saturday, March 2^nd,  I was expecting out second child. I was over the moon. I had been tracking my ovulation but not really full on charting. We haven’t used protection in our entire 7 year marriage and had only gotten pregnant once.  We had done 5 fertility treatments (3 IUI’s, and 2 IVF’s) which had failed. We weren’t that couple that got pregnant. But we were, and we did. I couldn’t believe it.

Immediately I felt different this time around. It’s crazy because before I had taken the test, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Unlike with LC I had symptoms of this pregnancy almost right away. I was even convinced that it was going to be a girl because things were so different. I was nauseous, emotional, and exhausted immediately. So, at what I thought was 17DPO, I tested with a digital and my suspicions were confirmed. The next day I went out and bought some FRER’s because I wanted to see the super dark line. I tested, and the line was there, it popped up right away, but it wasn’t as dark as I thought it should be. Immediately I knew something was wrong. By 17 DPO I should have enough HCG in my system that the test line should be way darker than the control line, but it wasn’t.

Monday I called the OB’s office to make my appt and I asked about some weird pulling that I felt on my left side. The nurse told me it was normal but to keep an eye on it. Tuesday the pain was worse so I called back. The nurse said that my doctor would draw my blood to get my blood HCG (beta) to see if the numbers were appropriate for how far along I was, and they would check it again in two days to see if it was increasing properly.

So I get to the office and I find out that I was also going to be having an ultrasound. I was pretty excited about this because my real thought process was that I was probably just overeacting to all of this, that everything was fine, but I was excited to see my little baby so soon. Well they start the ultrasound and there is no sac to be seen. Granted, I am super early, 4w6d, but I know that there should be something there. There isn’t. My beta comes back at 214. I know that is to low for how far along I am. Thursday’s beta comes back at 309. I know it’s over. They want me to come back Monday for another beta, it’s 360. I started bleeding Monday night. By Tuesday I am full on bleeding and I started having contractions Tuesday night. I am heartbroken. Wednesday (yesterday) I have to go in for an ultrasound and another beta. I am waiting those results.

This has been so hard on me. I now realize that before this happened to me I could not have possibly understood what goes on with someone when they suffer a pregnancy loss. I know that the only thing that is getting me through this, is LC. I am BLESSED to have a happy healthy one year old that I get to go home to every night. I could not imagine if this had been my first pregnancy. If it had been, I don’t know how I would have gone on. I’m serious. This is devastating. I don’t care if it was so early, and I don’t care if I never saw something on the screen. This has been super hard on me.

I don’t know how most women deal with this but in my crazy head, I feel as though the only way to heal from this, is to get pregnant again. Which is crazy because we weren’t really trying to get pregnant this time. I was aware that I could, but with our history I didn’t think it would happen. We aren’t going to try again anytime soon. We will be whipping out the ole’ condoms, but I still feel the need to be pregnant again with my final take home baby. However I am scared to get pregnant again. I am scared to go through this again, and I don’t want to go through this again. Maybe I should just be grateful for the blessing that I have.

I know that within the next year I will try again. But I also know that mentally I am not ready right now. Our marriage took a hit during my baby blues and we are working on rebuilding us right now. Also, I want to enjoy more time with just LC. But I do want LC to have at least one sibling. I always wanted to start TTC again when LC was one, and see what happened. If after a year we weren’t pregnant then we could try with the frozen embryos that we have. So, maybe now we wait till LC is 15 months and we go from there. Guess I’ll know better in June.