My Sister

My Sister

~~DISCLAIMER~~

This post if really just a vent:

 My sister was fucking bitch to me from the moment she found out I was pregnant until last Sunday when she told me she was pregnant. My son is 16 month and 4 weeks old.  

1.       She never said congratulations, she instead bitched about the way I told her I was pregnant. Mr. P announced it when we were BOTH sitting side by side (he and I) on skype. She felt it should have come out of my mouth.

2.       Oh, and it wasn’t right of me to wait until I was 13 weeks to tell her.

3.       When I called to tell her I was having a boy (first in our family) her response “I know, dad already told me”.  Again, not congrats, not I’m happy for you, NOTHING.

4.       Anytime I talked to her when I was pregnant, she NEVER asked me how I was doing, or how the pregnancy was –

5.       She did fly in to come to by baby shower  - which was weird – but she never gave me my gift. She didn’t bring it to the baby shower, and instead left in the baby’s closet and I FOUND it after she left. She never told me she got it for me.

6.       Once LC arrived, she didn’t call me for a few months, and when she would call she wouldn’t ask about him.

During this process, I started to appease her, and I wouldn’t bring up my pregnancy when I talked to her, and I never really brought up LC on the phone after he was born. Occasionally she would mention him, but I never did it first. Starting about January, I started to send out a lot of text pics of LC to my sisters and mom. One day I got a text from her stating something to the effect of why was it that  every time she text me I wouldn’t acknowledge what she said, but I would instead reply with a pic of my kid.

I almost fainted when I read that. I only sent pics of LC out in group messages, and I would never send them as a response. Just if I took a pic, I would send it. ANYTIME she sent out a group message or sent me an individual message, I would and do respond if a response appears warranted. In fact in the prior week, I could (and at the time did) look back at my phone and see two LENGTHY conversations between the two of us. One just her and I about her TTC process, and the other was a group message (that I was the only one responding to) about how she was dying from a cold.

So, now that she is pregnant, I guess everything is kosher. She has sent out three text messages today alone about her pregnancy. I am fine with her being pregnant. I am happy for her because I know how badly she wanted this. That is not my problem. My problem is that when she really hurt me when I was pregnant. She knew how hard we had tried and all that we had done (the IUIs and IVFs). She treated my son as if he didn’t exist and for me, the straw that broke the camel’s back was the text she sent me in January.

After that, I basically stopped talking to her. I had no room in my life for someone who couldn’t acknowledge my son. He had done nothing to her and I determined it to be her loss. Now that she is pregnant and she knows about our two losses, I don’t want her to think that I’m distant because I’m jealous because I’m not jealous of her, or her situation. The reality is, that our relationship just isn’t magically fixed because YOU got pregnant. She REALLY hurt me. I tried to explain this to her when I was pregnant, and she just didn’t get it. I started to let it go then, but I was done after January. I don’t feel bad because I have thought about this long and hard. I have decided that if we weren’t sisters, this is not someone I would choose to have in my life.

She has been trying to have a baby for years. She tried for a long time with her last boyfriend, and she had been trying with her husband for over a year – as I said, I am not jealous of her or her situation. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, you would think she would have been over the moon with joy and excitement. Instead she bitched for 90% of the time we were on the phone about any and everything. Really, what the fuck are you complaining about!? Be happy. Be happy that you have what you have desired for so long. Who the fuck cares that your FIL told the family, who cares that there are people in your work parking lot sunbathing, who cares that your MIL got out a bassinet? YOUR PREGNANT after YEARS of trying! She is just such a negative person and I don’t want to be around that.

We grew up in a very negative house, and I have a tendency to be negative also. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want LC to grow up looking at the glass as half empty. I don’t want him to think that his mother is a negative nancy.

So, my vent is basically over. My only problem now is that I don’t know how to move forward with her. I don’t want her to think that I’m avoiding her or talking to her because she’s pregnant and I’m not. In fact, if she would take the time to look back at phone records, she would see that we haven’t talked/texted very often since January and that nothing has changed. I just know that she is not going to see it that way. She is selfish and she is going to see it as I’m mad because she has what I don’t.

For me that is NOT the case. Two of my other sisters have also become pregnant and had babies during my struggles to have my first. I was for them, and I am for her, truly excited. I have never once acted funny towards them because they were pregnant and I wasn’t. Before I found out T was pregnant I did jokingly say to U that T shoudn’t be selfish and have another one when I needed one, but I was kidding.

Last part of my vent.

When S – the sister this is about, told me she was pregnant she said that I was the last to find out because someone had told her about my MC and that they didn’t think I would take the news well. When she told my mom that, my mom told her (according to her) that she didn’t think it would bother me. My mom was right. What happens in someone else’s UTE does NOT affect what happens in mine. I am smart enough to know that. However, when I told U I was pregnant, U told me that her first thought was that she didn’t think S would take it well.

This furthers my belief that S acted the way she did when I was pregnant because she was jealous, and that is why everything is okay now, because she is having her baby. Unfortunately, the damage is done, and everything is not okay.

Next Step

I decided yesterday that it was time to go back to the RE. I have always said thought that we would try for one year and if we didn’t conceive on our own, then we would go back for them. I always knew that I didn’t want to leave VA without transferring my embryos, but I never thought we would be moving before our year of TTC#2 was up. Well, Mr. P got notified that he is going to come down on orders in December/January timeframe, so we are moving.
With what is going on now, we have decided that we will try on our own for two more cycles and then go back to get our embies. I am hoping that we can do a medicated TI cycle for both of those two cycles in hopes of maybe increasing the number and quality of eggs that I release.  I know that many people would rather choose to use their frozen embies first but that is not what I want to do. The IVF coordinator for my RE told me yesterday that if we choose that course of action that she has never had anyone choose to do that before.

I can understand that, but I am just so hesitant to do a FET first for so many reasons:

1.       IVF didn’t work for us

2.       We seem to be getting pregnant on our own so MAYBE timed intercourse will work

3.       Our insurance will cover a timed intercourse cycle

4.       We are OOP for the FET and I will be without a job once we move

5.       IVF didn’t work for us!

I am so scared, but I am really hopeful about this for some reason. I feel like going to the RE and doing another physical will ensure my parts are working, and I feel like the medicated cycle will help produce better quality eggs. I am confident that this will work. IT HAS TO!! I am truly putting all my faith into being in a successful pregnancy when we leave VA.

I Think It's Happening Again

I am pretty sure, but not 100% sure, that I am having another chemical pregnancy. I don’t even know what to think at this point. Generally I have a rule that I will not test until 17DPO. However, in May, I decided to test at 11DPO. I got a positive and while it was a chemical pregnancy, at 17DPO I still hadn’t started bleeding yet so I decided that testing early didn’t matter. If it wasn’t going to work out, I still would have found out. So, last month I decided in order to save me from spending another $60 on FRER pregnancy test my next cycle, I would test with Wondfo pregnancy test strips. So, I bought 50 and got ready.

I am ashamed to admit it, but this cycle I started testing at 7DPO. I don’t know why, but I did. I got my first positive at 11DPO so I then busted out my one and only FRER to confirm. The line on the FRER was so light, you literally had to hold the test in a certain light and turn the test to see the line. I have NERVER seen a line so light on a test before. When Mr. P got home I asked him to look at the test and he couldn’t see the line until I pointed it out to him. He told me it was negative because the line wasn’t really there.

At 12 DPO I took a few more Wondos (5) and dipped them all using the same sample. Well, some had clear faint lines and some had squinter faint lines, but they were all positive. At that point I decided that I wasn’t testing anymore. I gave Mr. P the remaining test and said “hide these from me”!

So, last night I decided that it was time to test again. I got Mr. P to relinquish one Wondfo and the test was so light that I told him it was negative, followed by a full on ugly cry. At that point we decided that we would try two more cycles and then go back for our frozen embies.

Fast forward to this morning. I fish the test out of the trash and now dry, the line is still there, but still really light. I show Mr. P and tell him that I think it’s happening again. He tells me that that line is just there to show you where the line is supposed to be. I want to punch him. I don’t know what to do. We decide that we will test again in the morning and call my doctor if it is positive. I know what’s going to happen in the AM. I am going to take a test, it is going to be positive, and the line is going to be ridiculously light, and I am going to know for sure what I already know.

I don’t understand this. I don’t get this, I don’t know what I did wrong, I don’t know what to do moving forward, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel. I am so fucking confused. How the hell do I go from not being able to get pregnant, to being able to get pregnant every cycle I have tried this year, but not stay pregnant. I don’t get it. I know what my doctor is going to say. She is going to tell me to go back to the RE. I don’t know how I feel about that. We NEVER had success there. I am scared that we are going to spend all this money, and come out empty handed again. I don’t know what to do.

To add to this shitpile, we found out we are Mr. P is getting reassigned to Kansas. I am excited about the move, but it leaves us with a few problems. First, that I won’t have a job out there. Second, I won’t have insurance coverage for fertility treatment out there. Third, the closest fertility doctors are 2 hours away, and finally, without a job, paying for treatment is going to be hard.

I hate my body right now for this.

Oh, and my RPL results all came back normal.

RPL Testing

I am so excited that I finally got my RPL blood work done today. I don't know why I'm excited about having blood work done, but I am. I'm pretty sure it's because this means that our waiting period is almost over. I made the appointment yesterday and went to LabCorp on my lunch break. I get there have a nice conversation about my insurance with the receptionist, and then go take a seat while she registers me. Next thing I hear is her telling her co-worker that she isn't sure what tests I'm to have done, so she will need to call the doctor’s office to confirm. 15 minutes later they were ready for me. I remembered when I asked the nurse at my doctor’s office about the blood work she stated it was a lot of tests, and it would be a couple of vials of blood. So, when the phlebotomist pulled out the first four vials I was thinking, okay four isn’t that bad. Then she pulled out two more and I was thinking okay, 6 is a lot. Then she pulled out seven more. Then I thought I was going to faint. So, now we wait.
I’m pretty sure that I have just ovulated so that means that we have passed our fertile window for our second month of TTA. We can officially say that we are TTC again and I am so excited and so hopeful of getting my rainbow.  

Thankful Thursday

I was nursing LC last night and I just can’t believe how much he has grown and what a beautiful person he is turning into. As I nursed him I just thought about how much I love him and how much he has changed me and my life for the better. That little man has really rocked my world in the best way possible. I am so thankful for every minute I have with him, I am so blessed to be his mother, and I cherish our nursing sessions so much. I am going to miss this so much. When I first had him I never felt that instant “bond” that they say you get from nursing. I don’t feel that I felt bonded to him through nursing until he was like 10 months old. Now every morning and every night it is like our special time of the day to just hang out and relax. After his bath he will walk over to the chair and start to try to climb into it like he is getting himself ready for his little night cap. He melts my heart.

Day 5 of 30

Quick check in, I can’t say that I’m doing bad this week or that I’m doing good. If I get my run in tomorrow than I will accomplish 4 days of cardio this week which is not what my trainer wanted, but it is better than last week. This is of course also contingent upon me doing my cardio on Saturday, but since I will be at the gym already with no place to go afterwards, I’m sure I’ll get it done. I haven’t eaten perfect this week, but Rome wasn’t built in day. Also, no one said I couldn’t have a piece of candy or sweets they all just said to be smart about it. I think I’ve done that. So far, I’m proud of myself and how I’m doing this week

My 30 Day Challenge Day 3 of 30

I have to do something to take my mind off waiting to start TTC again. Soooo... i have decided that i am going to do a 30 day challenge where I challenge myself to follow the advice of my trainer and my nutritionist and eat better and workout (not daily) for 30 days. What’s the harm? Hopefully I can lose these last ten pounds, and worse case I will be in a better position health wise when we start TTC again.

Speaking of TTC I am really getting annoyed that I have to wait so long to have my RPL panel done. I really don’t see the point of it. I am very aware that in the grand scheme of things that two months is not a long time to wait, but for some reason it seems like an eternity. After I have the bloodwork drawn I will have to wait for the results and then schedule an appointment to talk to Dr. D about it. All that has to be done before I can start to TTC again. Yeah, we could just take the two months off and try again, but I don’t want to risk another CP if there is something that we could do to prevent it. I’m just so glad that we are going to be on vacation for over 50% of July so that hopefully that month will go by. I am going to call Dr. D’s office on Monday and see if I can come in July 8^th to have my BW done at their office. I just think it would be easier and I’m going to be on that side of town that day anyway. Then I will go on vacation and wait.

Back to my challenge….

So, right now I am working with a personal trainer, a wellness coach, and a nutritionist in order to obtain a few goals that I have set for myself.

1.      Lose 15 lbs (I’d be happy with 10)

2.      Tone up

3.      Run a ½ marathon this fall

4.      Distress my life

My biggest obstacle is my diet. I eat a lot of carbs and sugar and not enough fruits and vegetables. I also don’t drink enough water. Next to my diet, I am my biggest obstacle. I have such a negative thought process and I always convince myself that I can’t do something. I have wanted to run a half marathon for over 5 years but I have convinced myself that I can’t do it. So, I am DETERMINED to do it this year. So, my 30 day challenge is simple, follow their advice. I am literally just going to follow their advice for the next 30 days and see where it gets me.

My wellness coach gives me goals to shoot for each week. This week, I am to focus on   

1.       Run for 30 minutes, 3 days this week OR Start the half-marathon training program (Choose whichever you feel comfortable with)

2.       Make a list of breakfast foods (healthy, grab and go options) to put on your fridge and stick to the list

3.        Add more fruits and veggies to your daily diet (fruits- 2 servings, veggies- 3 servings)

4.        Practice saying “No” to sweets and to your co-workers when they offer you sweets….the results may surprise you!

My PT, her list is simple, but I'm not sure it's really that easy – 40 min of cardio 5 x a week, in addition to my workouts with her. She wants me to watch what I’m eating, make better choices in terms of what times of the day I’m eating crap (her term) if I’m going to eat it, and eat more protein.

My nutritionist goals are in line with my wellness coaches.

So how am I doing? Well today is day three. The half marathon training program would have me doing the cardio 5x a week, but in week one of that program you run three miles. I can’t run three consecutive miles yet. I am going to postpone that program for another two weeks and just run three times this week. I made a list of breakfast foods yesterday, but this morning I grabbed a slice of banana bread instead of something that was on the list. I guess I might benefit from pre-portioning my breakfast in a ziplock bag the night before. Adding in fruits and veggies have been easy, but I’m not doing so well with the protein.

So this is where I am right now. Hopefully the rest of the day will go well....