I Think It's Happening Again

I am pretty sure, but not 100% sure, that I am having another chemical pregnancy. I don’t even know what to think at this point. Generally I have a rule that I will not test until 17DPO. However, in May, I decided to test at 11DPO. I got a positive and while it was a chemical pregnancy, at 17DPO I still hadn’t started bleeding yet so I decided that testing early didn’t matter. If it wasn’t going to work out, I still would have found out. So, last month I decided in order to save me from spending another $60 on FRER pregnancy test my next cycle, I would test with Wondfo pregnancy test strips. So, I bought 50 and got ready.

I am ashamed to admit it, but this cycle I started testing at 7DPO. I don’t know why, but I did. I got my first positive at 11DPO so I then busted out my one and only FRER to confirm. The line on the FRER was so light, you literally had to hold the test in a certain light and turn the test to see the line. I have NERVER seen a line so light on a test before. When Mr. P got home I asked him to look at the test and he couldn’t see the line until I pointed it out to him. He told me it was negative because the line wasn’t really there.

At 12 DPO I took a few more Wondos (5) and dipped them all using the same sample. Well, some had clear faint lines and some had squinter faint lines, but they were all positive. At that point I decided that I wasn’t testing anymore. I gave Mr. P the remaining test and said “hide these from me”!

So, last night I decided that it was time to test again. I got Mr. P to relinquish one Wondfo and the test was so light that I told him it was negative, followed by a full on ugly cry. At that point we decided that we would try two more cycles and then go back for our frozen embies.

Fast forward to this morning. I fish the test out of the trash and now dry, the line is still there, but still really light. I show Mr. P and tell him that I think it’s happening again. He tells me that that line is just there to show you where the line is supposed to be. I want to punch him. I don’t know what to do. We decide that we will test again in the morning and call my doctor if it is positive. I know what’s going to happen in the AM. I am going to take a test, it is going to be positive, and the line is going to be ridiculously light, and I am going to know for sure what I already know.

I don’t understand this. I don’t get this, I don’t know what I did wrong, I don’t know what to do moving forward, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel. I am so fucking confused. How the hell do I go from not being able to get pregnant, to being able to get pregnant every cycle I have tried this year, but not stay pregnant. I don’t get it. I know what my doctor is going to say. She is going to tell me to go back to the RE. I don’t know how I feel about that. We NEVER had success there. I am scared that we are going to spend all this money, and come out empty handed again. I don’t know what to do.

To add to this shitpile, we found out we are Mr. P is getting reassigned to Kansas. I am excited about the move, but it leaves us with a few problems. First, that I won’t have a job out there. Second, I won’t have insurance coverage for fertility treatment out there. Third, the closest fertility doctors are 2 hours away, and finally, without a job, paying for treatment is going to be hard.

I hate my body right now for this.

Oh, and my RPL results all came back normal.