First Monitoring Appt

I had my first monitoring appointment today. I was quite pleased with how the appointment went althought I'm not quite sure what is going on. Dr. T measured about 6 follies. 4 on the right and about 2 on the left. He changed my dosage of follistim from 250 down to 125 and then we are to add in the menopur and continue the lupron. I asked him about the amount of CM that I have because that was beginning to worry me. He told me that was normal due to the amount of estrogen that I was producing and not to worry. Our next appointment is on Tuesday. We will find out then if we are ready to trigger, or if I will need to stim longer. I hope I don't have to stim longer because I only have enough Menopur for five days, and Tuesday would be the last day.
My nurse then went over all the stuff we need to know about this cycle. I swear everytime I walk out of that office I end up with like 50 pages of information. First, I didn't know I had to take an enema! I am not exactly looking forward to that. Although, I would rather take the enema than the HCG injection. Then I have to douche twice. I didn't even know they still sold douches. I am "lucky" enough to not have to do the PIO injections. I don't think I could have given myself an injection in the ass everynight and since Mr. P will be leaving to go to AT in March, if this works then that's what I would have been left to do.
Speaking of Mr. P, I just found out today that he will be gone for so long next month. I knew he had AT coming up, but I didn't realize that he would be leaving so soon. That sucks! That means if this cycle is a bust, I will have to deal with this all on my own. This is a very emotional process for me. I am excited, yet I am scared shitless. Not just the IVF not working scares me, but also of the HCG injection, and then also losing hope. I am trying to stay positive, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but it's hard. I am excited though, because this could finally be it! In one week, we will know how many eggs we have and when we are going to transfer them.

I'm beginning to Freak Out!

I am really beginning to freak out about this cycle. I know that I shouldn’t be, but I am. I have spent all morning researching the 2008 SART stats and that has not been good for me. In fact nothing I’ve been doing has been good for me. I am obsessed with this IVF cycle, but it has got to be to a point that is unhealthily. All day I am reviewing what my RE is doing versus what other people I read about on the internet are doing with their RE. I am freaking out that I am going to have a lead follie like I did for my last IUI and that is going to ruin the whole cycle. I am worried that I’m not on enough medication. I am freaking out about everything, but in reality, I don’t know enough to be freaking out so much.

I have felt some sort of “pain” in my left ovary which makes me feel like I have the lead follie.  Because of what happened with my last IUI, I feel that is the concern that I have that is valid. I can’t wait for Friday to get here so that my fears can be calmed by the ultrasound. Although, I am not really sure that my fears will be calmed, so I’m freaking out even more. This is so stupid.

I know why I’m freaking out so much. I’m freaking out because I finally feel like I have a chance to become pregnant with our first child. This cycle will give us the best odds that we have ever had at becoming parents, but it’s not guaranteed. If this doesn’t work, then a part of me is going to wonder if anything will ever work, and I will start to feel as if all hope is lost. Honestly, I almost lose my breath thinking of that option. It scares me that much.  Right now I feel like I still have hope and that there is still a chance, but I feel that if this doesn’t work, then what. I am afraid that I will lose all hope.

WOW, I'm a bad blogger!

But I have what I consider to be a good excuse.

Friday the 21^st I got a call from my RE’s nurse that some of my blood work had come back unusual. They wanted me to repeat my blood work and schedule a follow-up with a GI doctor. I was told that they weren’t worried about anything and that I could still go on with our cycle, or I could postpone it. I choose to post pone. For, one week until my follow up blood work came back, I was freaking myself out that there was something wrong with me. Well, my results came back and everything was fine. I was worried for nothing.

So, we decided to go back on our schedule for the IVF, only I had stopped taking the Lupron. I was still taking the birth control pills however. So I restarted my Lupron and got the new schedule for my IVF. So where do you think my mind went? That’s right, crazy! I have now convinced myself that I have messed up this cycle because of starting and stopping the Lupron and because my dates have had to change. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow and I hope that the ultrasound will calm my fears.

I think another reason that I’m worried, is because I can’t remember what my calendar for this cycle even looks like. I have no idea when I’m going to start my stims, or what I’ll be stimming on when. I’m also irrationally worried because I don’t seem to be on as many meds as so many other women who go through IVF.

Finally worry, Mr. P seems a little too excited to be giving me shots.

So, how has my IVF cycle been so far? So far so good. I started my BCP’s on the 15^th of January and stopped them on February 4^th. I spotted the entire time.
I started Lupron for the 2^nd time on February 1^st, and haven’t had any side effects so far. I’ve heard many women say that they have had hot flashes and I could only wish. I have been freezing! I can’t really contribute that to the Lupron however, because well, it’s the middle of winter.

Okay, reading this, I really didn’t have a good excuse; I’m just a bad blogger.

Mock Transfer

I had my trial transfer today, and it was not at all what I was expecting. I had read several post on an Infertility Board that I frequent about how it was painful for some women and others didn't feel much at all. Since I hate getting a pap smear done I was sure that I was going to pass out when I had my trial transfer done. Mr. P had decided not to go with me to the trial transfer and I told him it was okay. Once I pulled up in the parking lot however I was cussing him and wondering why he wasn't there. That's how afraid I was of this appointment.
When I got into Dr. T's office I was told ushered right back to the room. We stopped on the way so that I could empty my bladder which immediately let me know that they don't do full bladder transfers at my clinic. I didn't think to ask if that meant that my transfer wouldn't be ultrasound guided. Now I wish I would have asked. I don't remember him using the ultrasound today, but, I was trying hard to concentrate on the magazine in my hand.
The trial really wasn't that bad. It hurt a lot less than any of the IUI's or Pap's I've ever had. Once he was done measuring my uterus, he looked at my ovaries. The appointment really only took about 20 min and then we were done.
After Dr. T was done I went to see the IVF nurse to go over my schedule. That was when I found out that my dates were being pushed up. I will only be on the BCP for 2 weeks and I will start the lupron on Tuesday. My ER is now tentatively scheduled for the 15th. The only good thing is that is a Saturday so it's one less day I'll have to miss work.
We did find out that we got our insurance approval. Now I'm just waiting to see how much they will cover of our meds. I have to call tomorrow if I don't hear from them so I'm sure that will be a fun conversation. I'll be sure to update tomorrow.

And now we wait....

My period finally started on Thursday. Usually I get a day of spotting beforehand, but not this time. I woke up around 3 am to pee and had a lovely little surprise waiting for me when I wiped. I wasn't too upset. I expected it. Why would this month be any different? So I called the Dr.'s office when I got to work to let them know. Val went over our tentative timeline and told me what appointments to go ahead and schedule.
Tentatively this is our schedule:
January 15th: Start BCP
January 20th: Mock Transfer
January 31st: Start Lupron
February 10th: Start Stims
February 22nd: ER
February 25th-27th: ET

I think I might be missing a few things.

After she gave me the schedule, she transferred me up front to the insurance coordinator. Herein lies the problem. Mr. P didn't want to get his SA done last month. For some reason he wanted to wait till January to do it. I guess we misunderstood when he needed to have it done by and thought that he just needed it done prior to the ER. Well, we were both wrong. I found out on Thursday when I called that prior to approving our cycle, we have to have the SA results and my CD3 BW results. It takes a week to get the SA results! I was pissed. I did not want to start the BCP's if our insurance is going to deny our IVF and make us do another IUI. But, I didn't really have a choice. So, here we are waiting to see what our insurance company is going to decide.

Money Matters

It kills me when Mr. P and I argue about money. I hate it. Mostly becauase so money matters lead to the demise of so many marriages and because we have such different views on money, we NEVER get anywhere. So here's what happened today. Back story - last August my cell phone stopped working. After I had my car accident in December Mr. P and I decided that I needed to get a new phone.
Last night Mr. P and I were going over our finances. We have recently had an increase in our monthly bills that we really weren't expecting. Mr. P's grace period on his student loans ran out so his payment went up from $28 a month, to $412! I NEVER thought it would go up that much, but I guess this is one that we should have been expecting. My co-pays for physical therapy are running us $280 a month, my co-pays for my RE and my ortho dr. is running us around $150 a month. Because we hadn't really planned for these expenses I determined that we needed to cut some areas on our budget like eating out and our month "free spend" money for a while. This didn't go over so well with Mr. P since he acts like eating out is his life!!
Fast forward to tonight. I was online when I noticed that verizon is about to release the new iphone 4. So in my excitement I scream for Mr. P to come in the room. I simply asked him to guess who was getting a new phone, and he replied "i'm not going to ruin your excitement by saying anything". I already knew what he was referring to, but I asked him to explain anyway. Of course, he doesn't see how me needing a phone and spending money on that is different from spending money on eating out. I get his point, I don't need an iphone, I just need a phone. But, it's time for our upgrade so we won't be paying full price, and we both determinded that I needed a phone prior to hearing that verizon was getting the iphone.

Honestly, I don't really care about the phone. If that's how he feels and if with our upgrade the iphone is still really expensive, I won't get it. This is what pissed me off.  Every time that Mr. P talks about my spendoing, he brings up the fact that I bought a LV dog carrier 4 years ago! He goes on and on about how it was living beyond my means and tonight he used the term "reckless"! Really?? I don't understand that at all. When I bought it, I had just returned from a year long deployment to Iraq. I had $0 credit card debt. My car was paid off, and I could have paid off my student loans but wanted to keep paying on them for a longer credit history. Making the payment didn't put me behind on any of my monthly bills, I still put the same amount in my savings account that month as I always did, and I still paid my rent.

It really pisses me off that he brings it up. Especially when he says dumb shit like "think of where we could have been" when he hasn't contributed to our savings account at all in the last 4 years!! What the fuck gives him the right to say anything? I have built our savings account up from the ground and he hasn't contributed at all, yet he feels like he can talk shit about a purchase I made four years ago?? Really!!

Scared Shitless

I don't think there is another way to describe how I am feeling right now. Not only am I scared, but I am worrying myself so much thinking about the upcoming IVF cycle that I am making myself physically sick. I am just so terrified. What if this doesn't work? We are cleaning out our savings account to try to build our family and there is not guarentee that this will even work. IVF is our last chance at having a baby and I am terrified of it not working. I'm terrified of all the shot's I'll have to give myself or have Mr. P give me.
Mr. P is being so good about all of this. Part of me feels it's because all he really has to do during the IVF is make a deposit, and take a few pills. I have to have all the invasive procedures and tap dance around my work schedule and doctor appointments. I know that isn't fair to think that but I still do.
I really don't know why I'm being such a baby about this. When we agreed to do the IVF I knew what this was going to entail. I guess part of me just thought that we would get a "hail mary" BFP and that we wouldn't need the IVF. I know thats probably stupid but that's what I thought.